My story - it's never enough and happiness does not exist

[Glaski]

There is no other place I can tell this story, I'm not expecting anyone to read it. Just the act of typing it out is cathartic.

I had a unsuccessful attempt about 7 years ago, it's not that I didn't have plans; I just lost control one night and tried to rush it. I woke up in the hospital alone, after 5 days of being out. The only company I had was a nurse with tears in her eyes as she handed me divorce papers from my ex wife. She was upset because I found out she cheated on me with a principal of a local school, and a judge (that would eventually oversee the case). It was destined to be a slam dunk for her and my attempt gave her the last little bit of ammo she needed. The state ran me through the ringer and took everything I've ever owned including my class ring from high school, my business, house, cars, even my damn blanket. I spent the next 4 years living with what I could carry, eating what I could find. I avoided cities and developed areas, mindlessly floating through life numb to everything.

Eventually I found comfort in Marijuana, was able to get a good career with excellent pay and bought another house. If I don't smoke at night suicide consumes my mind, making plans and perfecting them for every conceivable circumstance. Out camping? I got a plan. At home? I got a plan. Running a staff meeting? I've got a plan. I can't even imagine a scenario where I die from something other than suicide. I'm just simply incompatible with this world.

I've been rich and poor, in love and hateful, housed and sleeping in the middle of the woods. It's never changed my mindset, I just don't get it.

This obsession in my mind has shaped my whole life, I find myself working so hard for the smallest amount of satisfaction and it never comes. All I want out of life from this point on is to make a positive impact, when I feel that has been done I will finally get some relief and find this elusive bus. I just hope it doesn't take to much longer.

Is it really possible that some people just aren't made to be alive? It feels like a big galactic joke, and I'm the punchline.

 

[AbusedInnocent]

and a judge (that would eventually oversee the case).

At that point you must have felt that the universe is conspiring against you, how unlucky do you have to be?

Having failed or backed out of a few attempts I've felt like some higher power is trying to fuck me over and enjoys watching me suffer.

Wish you the best of luck in whatever you choose to do.

 

[doneforlife]

There is no other place I can tell this story, I'm not expecting anyone to read it. Just the act of typing it out is cathartic.

I had a unsuccessful attempt about 7 years ago, it's not that I didn't have plans; I just lost control one night and tried to rush it. I woke up in the hospital alone, after 5 days of being out. The only company I had was a nurse with tears in her eyes as she handed me divorce papers from my ex wife. She was upset because I found out she cheated on me with a principal of a local school, and a judge (that would eventually oversee the case). It was destined to be a slam dunk for her and my attempt gave her the last little bit of ammo she needed. The state ran me through the ringer and took everything I've ever owned including my class ring from high school, my business, house, cars, even my damn blanket. I spent the next 4 years living with what I could carry, eating what I could find. I avoided cities and developed areas, mindlessly floating through life numb to everything.

Eventually I found comfort in Marijuana, was able to get a good career with excellent pay and bought another house. If I don't smoke at night suicide consumes my mind, making plans and perfecting them for every conceivable circumstance. Out camping? I got a plan. At home? I got a plan. Running a staff meeting? I've got a plan. I can't even imagine a scenario where I die from something other than suicide. I'm just simply incompatible with this world.

I've been rich and poor, in love and hateful, housed and sleeping in the middle of the woods. It's never changed my mindset, I just don't get it.

This obsession in my mind has shaped my whole life, I find myself working so hard for the smallest amount of satisfaction and it never comes. All I want out of life from this point on is to make a positive impact, when I feel that has been done I will finally get some relief and find this elusive bus. I just hope it doesn't take to much longer.

Is it really possible that some people just aren't made to be alive? It feels like a big galactic joke, and I'm the punchline.

How did you rebuild your career ? What is your profession ? Do you get to meet people in your job ? May be your wife cheating has sent you down a rabbit hole ? Can you connect with people and make friends?

 

[rokonie]

it's amazing that you managed to go from homeless to secure. Sorry to hear that it didn't ease the thoughts but im glad to hear that you have a place to sleep at least. I also greatly respect that you still want to leave a good impact on the world before you make your exit, despite people like your ex treating you horribly. I wish you luck in finding some satisfaction in whatever you do.

 

[Moroze]

I also feel like happiness doesn't exist, just moments of irrational euphoria. We are bags of chemical fluids, nothing else.

 

[FuneralCry]

I also see myself as not meant for existing, in my case I certainly never should have existed, but anyway best wishes, I hope that you eventually find what you search for.

 

[Glaski]

How did you rebuild your career ? What is your profession ? Do you get to meet people in your job ? May be your wife cheating has sent you down a rabbit hole ? Can you connect with people and make friends?

I work in business administration, specifically manufacturing. I meet people but don't really care, I spend my most of time time in my office making sure I'm a ancillary character in people's lives.

 

[doneforlife]

I work in business administration, specifically manufacturing. I meet people but don't really care, I spend my most of time time in my office making sure I'm a ancillary character in people's lives.

Ok. I don't know, but this may be a phase. You might be having some passion or activities you like doing? May be try to indulge in those..that makes you happy.

 

[Themogger]

Damn

 

[Glaski]

How did you rebuild your career ? What is your profession ? Do you get to meet people in your job ? May be your wife cheating has sent you down a rabbit hole ? Can you connect with people and make friends?

I work in business administration, specifically manufacturing. I meet people but don't really care, I spend my most of time time in my office making sure I'm a ancillary character in people's