FormerlyFe(IV)
Snapped.
- Jun 27, 2023
- 419
I've struggled with depression for a very long time, since my first year of highschool. It's been over ten years, and in some form or another, I'm always still broken. Some months are better, some months are worse.
I couldn't handle COVID. I managed to work from home from an year (2020) but I completely shut myself off from the world the next year. I lost my job, I stopped messaging anybody on my phone, I was living off savings. I had a bad shrooms trip, I got super paranoid, and I have no idea why I didn't CTB. But after COVID, I gave life a try again and was kinda successful? Got a job and working in an office, for me, was leagues better than seeing people from a screen.
So 2022 goes around, I end up not holding my job for too long (I wonder why
) but at least I still respond to texts and I go to my college classes. Until, around Christmas time, I snap. I spiral back into that same void of nothingness, of depression, and of paranoia, that led me to shut in. No contact, failed classes, who cares. But for some goddamn reason, this time was different.
I was paranoid to the point that I couldn't open my emails in fear of seeing what was going on in the outside world. Turns out, this paranoia led me into not paying my rent. My mother caught wind of the situation and tried contacting me in person. She must have rang my apartment doorbell for what felt like an hour, shouting my name from the doors or windows to see if I gave off a sign of life. The sound of my doorbell is BURNED into my memory. I sometimes wake up thinking I heard it. My heart stops when my neighbors doorbell rings. A micro trauma. Yay.
So at least it was a wake up call that I had to connect to the outside world, and I had no idea why yet. Must be the emails. To try and get my noggin running, I took 200mg of caffeine, to kick in my energy, and 300mg of 5-HTP. 5-HTP is supposed to metabolize to serotonin and it worked for a week for me before the effect subsided, so I had some. BAD IDEA. I ended up frantically screaming and crying in the shower feeling bad with all the guilt of the world upon my shoulders. Massive breakdown, and to boot I vomited it all up in the bath.
I was NOT in a good place. I ran to reddit for some kind of validation. Some kind of tool or website or worksheet that could help me find any positive quality in myself. Because I truly am a PIECE OF SHIT.
BAD IDEA
Not only did no one respond on reddit, apparently my sibling was keeping track of my internet use. Because I posted on the subreddit "SuicideWatch", their response... wasn't proportionate.
The next day, in the evening, POLICE OFFICERS AND MY FAMILY showed up on my front door. I mean, I guess I finally got wellness-check'd, huh? I'll say that I'm okay and I'm not going to off myself anytime soon and they'll be in their merry way, right?
WRONG??? Apparently, Brasil doesn't have any idea of a "wellness check". These MOTHERFUCKERS brandished their FUCKING GUNS in their hands at all times, playing with them. Because I'm supposedly suicidal, I needed the threat of being shot? WTF??? No, they were going to take me away, and I had ZERO say on the matter. That's right. I live on my own, isolated myself, AND STILL am somehow not safe?
They told me to pack because I had no option. I eventually gave in. I got a charger, coat, a change of clothes, and a book in a backpack if I'm not mistaken. They had the FUCKING AUDACITY to just walk into my apartment while my back was toward them. BITCH YOU DIDN'T EVEN ASK, DO I HAVE NO CONSENT???
Yeah. No wellness checks. Got taken away by armed intimidation. Because of a fucking post on reddit.
Of course, there was an ambulance waiting for me outside of the apartment complex. Now EVERYONE knows my brain is mush. I'm escorted to a "wellness center" in bumfuck nowhere. I wait a while, my sibling pissed at me and being snappy, cutting off even my mother trying to talk to me and explain WTF was going on. I have a consult with a doctor there. He wants to give me benzos to calm down. BITCH I'M NERVOUS BECAUSE I WAS ABDUCTED??? Fuck no. I said I'm not going to take benzos and that I'm not suicidal. He obviously listened.
I got escorted into the ward. No belongings. No backpack, no phone. I had no ID. No connection to the outside world? Okay. By this point, it was around 10-11 PM, so it was bedtime. I was going to share a room with a rando dude in his 40's. A BIG male nurse comes to talk to me, with benzos in hand. I try to reason with him. I ask for the dosage, effects, anything? Do I have an option?
He gave me two options. Either I take the benzos voluntarily, or they would strap me down and give them via IV. Great. Now I'm TAKING DRUGS AGAINST MY WILL. Here I am, completely sane, as composed as can be, understandably nervous. Is it the sketchy drug dealer or school friends that would force me to take drugs? Nope. The fucking medical system. I feel gross typing this. Almost as if I was raped. I did not want to take them.
I wake up in looney jail. Apparently my roommate went psycho and invaded someone's home "in a big misunderstanding". The main hall has nothing. Just some chairs and a faraway TV. I swear to god that the people in the movie One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest had it better than me. That's all we had, and a small "outside area" with a tree where people periodically went out to smoke. That was it. I asked a doctor if I could read anything. No books. Print me a page of anything? Description of some medication? Nada. Just sit in a chair and do bumfuck nothing.
No wonder people smoked so much. It was either smoke or rot in a chair or in bed. Every half hour they were bumming a smoke from the nurses, or pleading for a cigarette from their personal inventory. If I stayed there longer, I would have picked up the habit as well. Absolutely nothing to do.
At one point in the afternoon, a woman in her late 30's got the a-ok and was clear to go. Apparently she had some anger management issues at work and home and BOY if they were letting her go what the in the flying fuck was I doing there? Except there was a catch. No phones. No IDs. They simply cannot let you go. They need someone else to pick you up, and that was her brother-in-law or something. And she was WAILING, BEGGING for help because that brother said he wouldn't be able to pick her up that day. All she wanted was a phone call to reason with him. NOPE. Not only she couldn't call, the doctors had to call for her, and they were being pissy and not fucking calling and telling her to chill. JFL.
So I was taken, against my will, with no ID, and I was at the mercy of whoever put me here to take me out.
INDEPENDENCE IS A LIE. I CAN TRUST NOBODY.
That's just fucked up. What the fuck? Anyone can call and say I'm suicidal, and I can be taken from my home at a whim? I can be left to rot in the medical prison system? Do I share my address with absolutely NOBODY? Can I not exist and rot in peace, on my own terms??? Do I have to be ABDUCTED, PHYSICALLY REMOVED from my own HOME? Do I have to be ABUSED, being GIVEN DRUGS AGAINST MY WILL? When the fuck did I sign up for this??? And this is normal, everyday procedure for some? Also, by the way, NOWHERE NEAR CIVILIZATION. If I tried to run away I wouldn't know where I was. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Eventually, after talking to two or three doctors, after talking to a social worker, telling them all that I'm chill and don't even believe in CTB cuz I'm an atheist and no afterlife yadda yadda yadda, I get the clear. Like way into the afternoon. Thankfully my mother was better than that woman's brother in law. My sibling appeared but quickly stormed out as I was both confused, furious, agitated, and they wouldn't fucking apologize for the hell I went through.
My mother at least was sane enough to agree that it was way too far and she thought it could have been a wellness check. After talking I agreed to going to a psychiatrist. In her words, "I was going too far in one direction, and warding me up was too far in the other direction. Let's find a middle ground". I caved in and have been taking meds for the past 2 or 3 months already? Something like that. Obviously not having a miraculous effect seeing that I found myself to these forums very recently.
It took me at least a month to get over it. Everytime I was alone in my thoughts, walking to the supermarket and so, I could only go "WTF that was messed up" over and over again. How the fuck do I even process an event like that. Eventually, maybe because of the meds (Lexapro), and time, my resentment and paranoia quieted down.
FUCK MY SIBLING THOUGH, IT WAS THEIR IDEA.
Ahem.
Moral of the story? Don't be suicidal in Brasil? Don't trust even your address to trusted ones? Don't dare post about this stuff on the normie web? I don't know anymore.
I really needed to vent about this. If you read all of my post, thank you. Stay safe.
I couldn't handle COVID. I managed to work from home from an year (2020) but I completely shut myself off from the world the next year. I lost my job, I stopped messaging anybody on my phone, I was living off savings. I had a bad shrooms trip, I got super paranoid, and I have no idea why I didn't CTB. But after COVID, I gave life a try again and was kinda successful? Got a job and working in an office, for me, was leagues better than seeing people from a screen.
So 2022 goes around, I end up not holding my job for too long (I wonder why
) but at least I still respond to texts and I go to my college classes. Until, around Christmas time, I snap. I spiral back into that same void of nothingness, of depression, and of paranoia, that led me to shut in. No contact, failed classes, who cares. But for some goddamn reason, this time was different.I was paranoid to the point that I couldn't open my emails in fear of seeing what was going on in the outside world. Turns out, this paranoia led me into not paying my rent. My mother caught wind of the situation and tried contacting me in person. She must have rang my apartment doorbell for what felt like an hour, shouting my name from the doors or windows to see if I gave off a sign of life. The sound of my doorbell is BURNED into my memory. I sometimes wake up thinking I heard it. My heart stops when my neighbors doorbell rings. A micro trauma. Yay.
So at least it was a wake up call that I had to connect to the outside world, and I had no idea why yet. Must be the emails. To try and get my noggin running, I took 200mg of caffeine, to kick in my energy, and 300mg of 5-HTP. 5-HTP is supposed to metabolize to serotonin and it worked for a week for me before the effect subsided, so I had some. BAD IDEA. I ended up frantically screaming and crying in the shower feeling bad with all the guilt of the world upon my shoulders. Massive breakdown, and to boot I vomited it all up in the bath.
I was NOT in a good place. I ran to reddit for some kind of validation. Some kind of tool or website or worksheet that could help me find any positive quality in myself. Because I truly am a PIECE OF SHIT.
BAD IDEA
Not only did no one respond on reddit, apparently my sibling was keeping track of my internet use. Because I posted on the subreddit "SuicideWatch", their response... wasn't proportionate.
The next day, in the evening, POLICE OFFICERS AND MY FAMILY showed up on my front door. I mean, I guess I finally got wellness-check'd, huh? I'll say that I'm okay and I'm not going to off myself anytime soon and they'll be in their merry way, right?
WRONG??? Apparently, Brasil doesn't have any idea of a "wellness check". These MOTHERFUCKERS brandished their FUCKING GUNS in their hands at all times, playing with them. Because I'm supposedly suicidal, I needed the threat of being shot? WTF??? No, they were going to take me away, and I had ZERO say on the matter. That's right. I live on my own, isolated myself, AND STILL am somehow not safe?
They told me to pack because I had no option. I eventually gave in. I got a charger, coat, a change of clothes, and a book in a backpack if I'm not mistaken. They had the FUCKING AUDACITY to just walk into my apartment while my back was toward them. BITCH YOU DIDN'T EVEN ASK, DO I HAVE NO CONSENT???
Yeah. No wellness checks. Got taken away by armed intimidation. Because of a fucking post on reddit.
Of course, there was an ambulance waiting for me outside of the apartment complex. Now EVERYONE knows my brain is mush. I'm escorted to a "wellness center" in bumfuck nowhere. I wait a while, my sibling pissed at me and being snappy, cutting off even my mother trying to talk to me and explain WTF was going on. I have a consult with a doctor there. He wants to give me benzos to calm down. BITCH I'M NERVOUS BECAUSE I WAS ABDUCTED??? Fuck no. I said I'm not going to take benzos and that I'm not suicidal. He obviously listened.
I got escorted into the ward. No belongings. No backpack, no phone. I had no ID. No connection to the outside world? Okay. By this point, it was around 10-11 PM, so it was bedtime. I was going to share a room with a rando dude in his 40's. A BIG male nurse comes to talk to me, with benzos in hand. I try to reason with him. I ask for the dosage, effects, anything? Do I have an option?
He gave me two options. Either I take the benzos voluntarily, or they would strap me down and give them via IV. Great. Now I'm TAKING DRUGS AGAINST MY WILL. Here I am, completely sane, as composed as can be, understandably nervous. Is it the sketchy drug dealer or school friends that would force me to take drugs? Nope. The fucking medical system. I feel gross typing this. Almost as if I was raped. I did not want to take them.
I wake up in looney jail. Apparently my roommate went psycho and invaded someone's home "in a big misunderstanding". The main hall has nothing. Just some chairs and a faraway TV. I swear to god that the people in the movie One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest had it better than me. That's all we had, and a small "outside area" with a tree where people periodically went out to smoke. That was it. I asked a doctor if I could read anything. No books. Print me a page of anything? Description of some medication? Nada. Just sit in a chair and do bumfuck nothing.
No wonder people smoked so much. It was either smoke or rot in a chair or in bed. Every half hour they were bumming a smoke from the nurses, or pleading for a cigarette from their personal inventory. If I stayed there longer, I would have picked up the habit as well. Absolutely nothing to do.
At one point in the afternoon, a woman in her late 30's got the a-ok and was clear to go. Apparently she had some anger management issues at work and home and BOY if they were letting her go what the in the flying fuck was I doing there? Except there was a catch. No phones. No IDs. They simply cannot let you go. They need someone else to pick you up, and that was her brother-in-law or something. And she was WAILING, BEGGING for help because that brother said he wouldn't be able to pick her up that day. All she wanted was a phone call to reason with him. NOPE. Not only she couldn't call, the doctors had to call for her, and they were being pissy and not fucking calling and telling her to chill. JFL.
So I was taken, against my will, with no ID, and I was at the mercy of whoever put me here to take me out.
INDEPENDENCE IS A LIE. I CAN TRUST NOBODY.
That's just fucked up. What the fuck? Anyone can call and say I'm suicidal, and I can be taken from my home at a whim? I can be left to rot in the medical prison system? Do I share my address with absolutely NOBODY? Can I not exist and rot in peace, on my own terms??? Do I have to be ABDUCTED, PHYSICALLY REMOVED from my own HOME? Do I have to be ABUSED, being GIVEN DRUGS AGAINST MY WILL? When the fuck did I sign up for this??? And this is normal, everyday procedure for some? Also, by the way, NOWHERE NEAR CIVILIZATION. If I tried to run away I wouldn't know where I was. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Eventually, after talking to two or three doctors, after talking to a social worker, telling them all that I'm chill and don't even believe in CTB cuz I'm an atheist and no afterlife yadda yadda yadda, I get the clear. Like way into the afternoon. Thankfully my mother was better than that woman's brother in law. My sibling appeared but quickly stormed out as I was both confused, furious, agitated, and they wouldn't fucking apologize for the hell I went through.
My mother at least was sane enough to agree that it was way too far and she thought it could have been a wellness check. After talking I agreed to going to a psychiatrist. In her words, "I was going too far in one direction, and warding me up was too far in the other direction. Let's find a middle ground". I caved in and have been taking meds for the past 2 or 3 months already? Something like that. Obviously not having a miraculous effect seeing that I found myself to these forums very recently.
It took me at least a month to get over it. Everytime I was alone in my thoughts, walking to the supermarket and so, I could only go "WTF that was messed up" over and over again. How the fuck do I even process an event like that. Eventually, maybe because of the meds (Lexapro), and time, my resentment and paranoia quieted down.
FUCK MY SIBLING THOUGH, IT WAS THEIR IDEA.
Ahem.
Moral of the story? Don't be suicidal in Brasil? Don't trust even your address to trusted ones? Don't dare post about this stuff on the normie web? I don't know anymore.
I really needed to vent about this. If you read all of my post, thank you. Stay safe.
