starsofevernight
doot doot!
- Oct 13, 2025
- 5
trigger warnings for some heavy stuff, mentions of s/a, homelessness, abuse, self harm, etc.
and if you know me irl, you'll know exactly who I am. my story and experience is painfully specific.
hi, everyone. I'm an Australian 18 year old who had a nightmare of an abusive family, a history of sexual assault, and am very mentally ill. my family is Asian, rich, kind to strangers, and played the "you just don't understand my culture" card when confronted with abuse from CPS. oh, and the police officer I went to beat her kids, so she didn't think my situation was bad at all. plus, I'm male, and my mother was the perpetrator of the sexual assault, so there was no physical evidence along with me not being taken seriously so…yeah
I've been living without my parents since age 15, couch surfing, hotel surfing, on the street, in a temporary unofficial foster arrangement (with a really sweet and well-off family who were also familiar with the psychiatric system—I managed to get a diagnosis of autism, complex post traumatic stress disorder and dissociative identity disorder that way. Yes, teenagers fake DID a lot. No, it's nothing like having a million fictional characters in your head.) I finally managed to have a homelessness charity subsidise part of the rent for transitional housing…and then I developed a first episode of psychosis/schizophreniform disorder, leading me to be so paranoid I couldn't go outside.
I'm not psychotic anymore, but Seroquel is so energy draining. I'm lucky to live in Australia and have a good public mental health team, but since I'm leaving high school, they need to transfer me out…but private psychiatry is not affordable at all. Also, due to active homelessness and then acute psychosis back to back, I missed so much school in the first semester of year 12 I just, feel like I messed up my future. In my state, Year 12 is the only year that matters, and all the exams culminate in an ATAR (from 30.0 to 99.95). Luckily I was able to put in the work to catch up and go to a selective, academically rigorous school, so my estimation ended up being 92.35 from the penultimate set of exams.
I'm not… completely trying to die because I feel worthless. I'm pretty smart, I started learning quantum theory at age 14 and have done an unpaid internship and 3 small research projects in quantum software (which I will happily talk about for hours on end). I have friends, but it's like. I'm no one's favourite. My school is very competitive, but I'm still ranked near the bottom. I struggle so bad with BPD symptoms, splitting, obsession-devaluation, mood swings, cutting and burning myself, impulsivity—a day ago, my girlfriend said something that I thought implied she saw someone as a direct upgrade to me, and I couldn't take it. I don't feel irreplaceable to anyone. We did talk it out, and it's okay now, but still… I've threatened to break up with her during my splits and she recognises it and just goes "nuh uh"
And life… life is difficult. Dissociative amnesia, losing time, during my critical exam period, not knowing what my alters are doing, plus all the PTSD flashbacks and hypervigilace… it's debilitating. I'm scared, and I'm so stressed, and I don't feel like life is worth living. I've been having daily panic attacks. I just want it all to stop. I wish I was someone's best friend, so I could feel valuable without dismissing it as "obligation" or "physical/romantic attraction".
I guess on the brighter side, sometimes when I have good food or a sweet drink, life fleetingly feels worth the pain, if just for a moment. But outside of those moments… I'm just so tired. And I have no safety net, no parents to move back in with. I can't see a future after this final block of exams, happening this month. It's either full suspension hanging or a psych ward. I've tried to CTB 3 times before, and all 3 I was hospitalised. I've only been in adolescent inpatient though, so even the psych ward (now adult) scares me.
Oh, and I just want to say, anyone who knows me decently well IRL will recognise me instantly. There's not that many Selective school kids in my state in Australia with my exact trauma/life story (and everyone in my grade knows…my friends were asking around if anyone's family could take me in when I was homeless), doing research in quantum computing, with my exact combination of mental illnesses. So to those people… hello. Please message me and let me know why you're on here. I may want to die, but you still have something to live for. I want you to live.
And finally, if anyone plays Honkai: Star Rail, Arcaea, Rhythm Doctor/ADOFAI, or is interested in quantum computing, please say hi. I'm lonely. I want to talk to people who understand me.
I'm sorry this is so long and insufferable. I just wanted to say all this somewhere. I hope my departure is pleasant. I know I said hanging, but I can find pentobarbital, that'll be my way to CTB.
Also, my girlfriend and my relationship is doomed. Before anyone says anything about that.
final note, for the ppl who know me irl, don't actually message me here, do it in the channel you already communicate with me by. And when I request "talk to me", I mean in the replies. Just clarifying in case it comes off as me breaking a rule.
and if you know me irl, you'll know exactly who I am. my story and experience is painfully specific.
hi, everyone. I'm an Australian 18 year old who had a nightmare of an abusive family, a history of sexual assault, and am very mentally ill. my family is Asian, rich, kind to strangers, and played the "you just don't understand my culture" card when confronted with abuse from CPS. oh, and the police officer I went to beat her kids, so she didn't think my situation was bad at all. plus, I'm male, and my mother was the perpetrator of the sexual assault, so there was no physical evidence along with me not being taken seriously so…yeah
I've been living without my parents since age 15, couch surfing, hotel surfing, on the street, in a temporary unofficial foster arrangement (with a really sweet and well-off family who were also familiar with the psychiatric system—I managed to get a diagnosis of autism, complex post traumatic stress disorder and dissociative identity disorder that way. Yes, teenagers fake DID a lot. No, it's nothing like having a million fictional characters in your head.) I finally managed to have a homelessness charity subsidise part of the rent for transitional housing…and then I developed a first episode of psychosis/schizophreniform disorder, leading me to be so paranoid I couldn't go outside.
I'm not psychotic anymore, but Seroquel is so energy draining. I'm lucky to live in Australia and have a good public mental health team, but since I'm leaving high school, they need to transfer me out…but private psychiatry is not affordable at all. Also, due to active homelessness and then acute psychosis back to back, I missed so much school in the first semester of year 12 I just, feel like I messed up my future. In my state, Year 12 is the only year that matters, and all the exams culminate in an ATAR (from 30.0 to 99.95). Luckily I was able to put in the work to catch up and go to a selective, academically rigorous school, so my estimation ended up being 92.35 from the penultimate set of exams.
I'm not… completely trying to die because I feel worthless. I'm pretty smart, I started learning quantum theory at age 14 and have done an unpaid internship and 3 small research projects in quantum software (which I will happily talk about for hours on end). I have friends, but it's like. I'm no one's favourite. My school is very competitive, but I'm still ranked near the bottom. I struggle so bad with BPD symptoms, splitting, obsession-devaluation, mood swings, cutting and burning myself, impulsivity—a day ago, my girlfriend said something that I thought implied she saw someone as a direct upgrade to me, and I couldn't take it. I don't feel irreplaceable to anyone. We did talk it out, and it's okay now, but still… I've threatened to break up with her during my splits and she recognises it and just goes "nuh uh"
And life… life is difficult. Dissociative amnesia, losing time, during my critical exam period, not knowing what my alters are doing, plus all the PTSD flashbacks and hypervigilace… it's debilitating. I'm scared, and I'm so stressed, and I don't feel like life is worth living. I've been having daily panic attacks. I just want it all to stop. I wish I was someone's best friend, so I could feel valuable without dismissing it as "obligation" or "physical/romantic attraction".
I guess on the brighter side, sometimes when I have good food or a sweet drink, life fleetingly feels worth the pain, if just for a moment. But outside of those moments… I'm just so tired. And I have no safety net, no parents to move back in with. I can't see a future after this final block of exams, happening this month. It's either full suspension hanging or a psych ward. I've tried to CTB 3 times before, and all 3 I was hospitalised. I've only been in adolescent inpatient though, so even the psych ward (now adult) scares me.
Oh, and I just want to say, anyone who knows me decently well IRL will recognise me instantly. There's not that many Selective school kids in my state in Australia with my exact trauma/life story (and everyone in my grade knows…my friends were asking around if anyone's family could take me in when I was homeless), doing research in quantum computing, with my exact combination of mental illnesses. So to those people… hello. Please message me and let me know why you're on here. I may want to die, but you still have something to live for. I want you to live.
And finally, if anyone plays Honkai: Star Rail, Arcaea, Rhythm Doctor/ADOFAI, or is interested in quantum computing, please say hi. I'm lonely. I want to talk to people who understand me.
I'm sorry this is so long and insufferable. I just wanted to say all this somewhere. I hope my departure is pleasant. I know I said hanging, but I can find pentobarbital, that'll be my way to CTB.
Also, my girlfriend and my relationship is doomed. Before anyone says anything about that.
final note, for the ppl who know me irl, don't actually message me here, do it in the channel you already communicate with me by. And when I request "talk to me", I mean in the replies. Just clarifying in case it comes off as me breaking a rule.
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