tonyspitstain
Member
- Dec 2, 2024
- 18
I struggle a lot with feeling like I want my life to be over already, but I don't know if these circumstances are enough to justify this feeling although people say that any reason is enough to justify it. I used to be someone who loved life and I still do sometimes. My perspective is that it's amazing to live in a time period where you can eat food from any culture, meet people from any country, travel almost anywhere, and have a comfortable life without having to struggle too much as long as you are able-bodied.
But I also think that you need a solid foundation to be able to enjoy life to the fullest and I don't think my parents gave me that.
I think my happiness ended when I first got my period. People don't understand that what happens to you after this is pure body horror. I couldn't deal with this change in a healthy way, and this was the first time my mom started to shame me for my body. I felt extreme discomfort in using menstrual pads and I felt like they limited the things I could do at school, especially during recess and gym class, it was stressful. I started to collect tampons by taking the free ones in the nurse's office, ordering free samples online, taking them from random public bathrooms. My mother found them in my room and threw all of them out and told me I am never allowed to use them. I couldn't believe that she would take them away from me when I found them to be so much more comfortable and easier to manage... I was 12/13 years old and that made me feel disgusting for existing.
At this age I was severely lonely and it was difficult to feel like I had friends or a community because I lived in the suburbs and my mom more or less refused to invest in an after school activity for me. I had a lot of interests and would have loved to pursue a sport or a hobby with other kids, but my mom constantly complained about costs and prices so I felt unworthy to ask. I couldn't really leave the house and there were no kids in the neighborhood who liked me, so I was isolated. I started to hang around a boy who was a year older than me and I was so happy to talk to him, I called him up on the phone and texted him but I didn't realize this person actually really didn't like me. He ended up taking advantage of me at school and sexually assaulting me multiple times which I allowed because I was so lonely. My friends encouraged me to report this to the school so I did, and he ended up getting some consequences. But what bothers me a decade later is that my mother was called to the school and I was forced to recount every detail of what happened in front of her and my assistant principal and she just stared at me. I went home and she told me not to speak of it to anyone. My siblings didn't know, my dad didn't know, and my mom ignored me and refused to get me any sort of counseling or help. I was deeply ashamed and didn't tell my siblings and dad it ever happened until this year, 10 years after the incident. I spent the rest of middle school and high school in fear because I had to see this person in the hallway and they would talk about me and it would get back to me and there was nothing I could do.
The worst thing they have done to me is deny me access to healthcare. The experience of feeling discomfort in my body and not being able to do anything about it because my parents didn't care is just awful. I developed nodular cystic acne at around 13/14 and all I can remember is the shame. My parents constantly shamed and made fun of me for not being able to take care of myself, accused me of not washing my face, blamed my diet (the food they bought for me), blamed me for picking at my skin. I was under so much stress and I begged and cried for help and they did nothing. I don't know how to explain how this is body horror to other people because people will say "well, it's acne and everyone gets acne." But can you imagine waking up to painful cysts on your face that ooze and hurt to sleep on? People at school treat you like you have a disease, you're embarrassed to go outside, looking in the mirror is a source of fear, you never feel good about yourself. I didn't know what cystic acne was because my pediatrician did nothing to help me and my parents straight up refused to take me to a derm. At one point I tried cutting so many things out of my diet and drinking 50 oz of water everyday which left me severely underweight at 85lbs and still covered in acne. At 18 I was finally able to figure out that I needed accutane which changed my life but it was too late. I already had holes and scars in my face and I developed severe rosacea from chronic inflammation. For the past 4 years I've spent nearly $10k trying to correct the scars which would have cost my parents pocket money to prevent. I am stuck with this for the rest of my life. I look in the mirror and see holes and I want to die. I used to be beautiful and now I hate leaving my house out of embarrassment. The rosacea flares from heat, sunlight, embarrassment, exerting energy, literally anything. My face is burning and itchy and I constantly feel like I'm having an allergic reaction literally every single day... and there's no cure.
This is getting long and there's more but I'm tired of typing lol. But anyway I've had to manage my health completely on my own forever and I couldn't figure it out until it was too late. Managing my medication, doctor's appointments, symptoms, treatments, all on my own has been something that I mentally cannot ever recover from. Trying to be an adult with this amount of baggage has honestly been impossible for me. Every relationship I have, every job I have, I'm so terrified of people seeing my face and getting to know me that I struggle immensely. It's shocking, I have one life and one face and I have to be afraid everyday.... for eternity? I realized this year that none of what I experienced is normal or an acceptable way to treat a child, ever. How the fuck am I supposed to live with this?
But I also think that you need a solid foundation to be able to enjoy life to the fullest and I don't think my parents gave me that.
I think my happiness ended when I first got my period. People don't understand that what happens to you after this is pure body horror. I couldn't deal with this change in a healthy way, and this was the first time my mom started to shame me for my body. I felt extreme discomfort in using menstrual pads and I felt like they limited the things I could do at school, especially during recess and gym class, it was stressful. I started to collect tampons by taking the free ones in the nurse's office, ordering free samples online, taking them from random public bathrooms. My mother found them in my room and threw all of them out and told me I am never allowed to use them. I couldn't believe that she would take them away from me when I found them to be so much more comfortable and easier to manage... I was 12/13 years old and that made me feel disgusting for existing.
At this age I was severely lonely and it was difficult to feel like I had friends or a community because I lived in the suburbs and my mom more or less refused to invest in an after school activity for me. I had a lot of interests and would have loved to pursue a sport or a hobby with other kids, but my mom constantly complained about costs and prices so I felt unworthy to ask. I couldn't really leave the house and there were no kids in the neighborhood who liked me, so I was isolated. I started to hang around a boy who was a year older than me and I was so happy to talk to him, I called him up on the phone and texted him but I didn't realize this person actually really didn't like me. He ended up taking advantage of me at school and sexually assaulting me multiple times which I allowed because I was so lonely. My friends encouraged me to report this to the school so I did, and he ended up getting some consequences. But what bothers me a decade later is that my mother was called to the school and I was forced to recount every detail of what happened in front of her and my assistant principal and she just stared at me. I went home and she told me not to speak of it to anyone. My siblings didn't know, my dad didn't know, and my mom ignored me and refused to get me any sort of counseling or help. I was deeply ashamed and didn't tell my siblings and dad it ever happened until this year, 10 years after the incident. I spent the rest of middle school and high school in fear because I had to see this person in the hallway and they would talk about me and it would get back to me and there was nothing I could do.
The worst thing they have done to me is deny me access to healthcare. The experience of feeling discomfort in my body and not being able to do anything about it because my parents didn't care is just awful. I developed nodular cystic acne at around 13/14 and all I can remember is the shame. My parents constantly shamed and made fun of me for not being able to take care of myself, accused me of not washing my face, blamed my diet (the food they bought for me), blamed me for picking at my skin. I was under so much stress and I begged and cried for help and they did nothing. I don't know how to explain how this is body horror to other people because people will say "well, it's acne and everyone gets acne." But can you imagine waking up to painful cysts on your face that ooze and hurt to sleep on? People at school treat you like you have a disease, you're embarrassed to go outside, looking in the mirror is a source of fear, you never feel good about yourself. I didn't know what cystic acne was because my pediatrician did nothing to help me and my parents straight up refused to take me to a derm. At one point I tried cutting so many things out of my diet and drinking 50 oz of water everyday which left me severely underweight at 85lbs and still covered in acne. At 18 I was finally able to figure out that I needed accutane which changed my life but it was too late. I already had holes and scars in my face and I developed severe rosacea from chronic inflammation. For the past 4 years I've spent nearly $10k trying to correct the scars which would have cost my parents pocket money to prevent. I am stuck with this for the rest of my life. I look in the mirror and see holes and I want to die. I used to be beautiful and now I hate leaving my house out of embarrassment. The rosacea flares from heat, sunlight, embarrassment, exerting energy, literally anything. My face is burning and itchy and I constantly feel like I'm having an allergic reaction literally every single day... and there's no cure.
This is getting long and there's more but I'm tired of typing lol. But anyway I've had to manage my health completely on my own forever and I couldn't figure it out until it was too late. Managing my medication, doctor's appointments, symptoms, treatments, all on my own has been something that I mentally cannot ever recover from. Trying to be an adult with this amount of baggage has honestly been impossible for me. Every relationship I have, every job I have, I'm so terrified of people seeing my face and getting to know me that I struggle immensely. It's shocking, I have one life and one face and I have to be afraid everyday.... for eternity? I realized this year that none of what I experienced is normal or an acceptable way to treat a child, ever. How the fuck am I supposed to live with this?
but since my mom stole so much from me I just don't know how much longer I can keep pushing
