Introduction:
My name is…Mary. I would put my real name but you can never be too vulnerable. This might be found in the hands of the wrong people and I would rather be safe. So, you might be wondering…why am I writing this? Well, it's to detail a story. A story of suicide. Story where I make ending my life its own goal. And in doing so, I discover something more. This is the story of how I learned to live.
Chapter 1: Dreary Night
"Fuck you dad, I mother fucking hate you!"
"Just shut up and stay in your room!"
This is my reality. At 23 years old my life should be filled with promise. Promise of independence. Promise of one day having my own job, spending time with friends and even having a boyfriend. But most of all, to grow. To grow and to live. Sadly, that isn't the case. Because right now I am trapped. Trapped in a family situation that ceases to get better. In a situation where I am forced into adulthood at a rate I shouldn't. It adds to my depression and BPD, both of which leave me in a highly vulnerable state of mine. A state that leaves me in a position to want to take my own life out of desperation. Sadly with no job, degree, or any way out I am to stay here till I can get out. Whenever that is. By this rate it might be a few more years. But…I can tough it out I think-
"Fuck you dad I hope you go die in a hole!"
Never mind. Thankfully I have plan B. Jesus, I am about to cry now. I don't want to die but I don't know what else to do. In a fucked up way, I know I have to do this. Because if not, I will suffer. So tonight is the night that I commit suicide
Chapter 2: The Fall of Impulsivity
Immediately, with a horrible headache and tears streaming down my face, I decide to start packing. Since I am going to die, I really don't need much. A metro card, clothes, my phone, and that's really it. As I change quickly and grab my phone and card I stop in my tracks. I always told myself that, if I were to commit suicide, I would leave behind a suicide note. Meant to act as revenge against those who pushed me to this level. However, I know if I do that now it would only make things worse. All I can do is hope that my suicide reaches those who hurt me and maybe, just maybe, they might give a shit. Or not.
I open my bedroom door slowly. I listen closely. The arguing seems to have stopped. As I solely tip toe my way out, I see my father's body on the ground. Asleep on his futon. Sighing some relief, I carefully walk towards the door. However, my footing makes a creaking noise on the ground. As my heart drops a tired voice utters "Mary…is that you?". My father is awake. How the hell do I deal with this situation? "Mary, what are you doing? Where are you going?" Shit shit shit! What the fuck do I do now?! If I stay, I am forced to answer but if I go it'll make everything worse. My flight response kicks in and I rush for the door. In my heightened state I fumble to open the door. But after a few seconds I unlock the door and make my way out. I start running down the hallway and eventually down the stairs. It is only when I get outside that I take time to breathe. At this moment there really is no turning back. Suicide is my only option
Chapter 3: Running Away
After double checking that I have my card and phone, I make a race down the block. I have 5 blocks total to cover in this freezing weather. I'm not even halfway down and I already start feeling the cold on my body. With no coat, scarf, hat, or mittens, I feel like an ice block. I could turn back now and go into my comfy bed. Yet, what does that matter if my home environment is unhealthy? The comfiness will be met with trauma and abuse, so it's not even worth it. I decide to push on.
With enough effort I manage to get towards the end of the street. I am met with a red light, so I am forced to wait. As I sigh heavily, I notice the ground beneath me. It is covered in white fluffy snow. I look up and see the snow falling. It is both painful, yet beautiful. Painful because I could literally die of hypothermia, but beautiful in that snow casts an amazing color on the ground. As I continue to marvel at the snow while shivering, a feel a tap on my shoulder from behind. Frightened, I turn around. It's…my neighbor. I can't be dealing with this. I was hoping I wouldn't have to bump into anyone I knew, anyone at all. And now her?! "Ah…" I am at a loss for words. What the hell do I do?! Confused she responds "Mary, what are you doing out here in this freezing weather? And especially with no coat or hat on? Is everything alright? Did you get into a fight with your dad and brother again?". I am overwhelmed with emotion. I clenched my numb fists tightly "Leave…" No, I can't curse her out. But wait…of course I can. I am going to die so nothing matters. I'll just curse at her in such a way she won't even want to follow me. "Look…just leave me…the fuck alone!" I say without staring at her face. She seemed at a loss for words. Turning back around I see that the light has changed. And with that I take off once again.