thatguyakira123
Experienced
- Apr 10, 2018
- 217
Figured I'd post this here as well. Fair warning, it's a long read.
I was born literally becuase my parents had a troubled child, my older brother, and literally these idiots listened to all the old people in thinking that he needed a brother to be fixed. Cuz therapy isn't a logical step at that age.
My older brother made my life a living hell, he'd abuse me physically and mentally by emotionally blackmailing me, beating me and doing other things with me. There was this one time where he tricked me into hanging myself when I was 3. I would've been dead if my mom didn't find me(honestly I regret that she did). Most of the time I would hide my abuse from my parents, cuz they had problems on their own, with my dad's mental illness and my mom having to deal with father's family.
My father's family saw my older brother as the golden child, he could do no wrong and they would always tell me to be more like him. My mother's family only cares about her well being. I'm virtually non existent. The only time life was good for me during this time was when I was with my parents alone, when I was with friends or when I was in school. Even though the good times seemed to outweigh the bad, it wouldn't last.
When I became 13, I had to go to a new school and in my country you change school plenty times. It's horrible because you lose friends and just when you think you've got new ones you have to start over again. At this point the protective veils that my parents had on me were gone due to reality. I was fat, an outcast and was bullied every time I went to school. It was around this time I started having suicidal thoughts brought on by depression and anxiety. I even tried being a sellout to try to fit in, but I only was made to be the village idiot of the school. I hated them and I also hated myself for being so different and being gay. And due to a combination of what my brother used to do to me and me trying to find my sexuality, I started to develop my addiction at this age.
During my teen hood my brother was getting worse, he was abusive to me and my parents and my parents would forgo my happiness just so they don't piss him off. Hell I used to sell out my parents just so that my brother would love me and I wouldn't feel alone. When I got older and started thinking for myself, I worked hard to be on the right side while pretending to be on his just to survive and for him to just leave them alone. Time alone with my parents during this point was getting rare. I was alone though and I knew it. There were probelms with me that I couldn't even tell them. And I always had to fight my problems alone.
In my late teens - 23 I used to do everything in my power to help people. I needed people's approval and sympathy so bad. It was all just so that I wouldn't feel alone. Even then so I still had to be censored around them. This resulted in a lot of people using and abusing me and I still had to deal with things on my own. The only good there was during this was when I started seeing my cousin's son more often and when I had a true friend who lived close to me. My cousin's son gave me the strength to at least give up my addiction and for me to tolerate my mental illness. We were more like brothers, I considered him my kid brother. But ofcouse like anybody who came into my life, they eventually left. My friend died and two weeks later my kid brother died. Then a couple of years after my dad died.
Later on in my 20s things seemed to be going well for me. I managed to go back to school and passed most of the subjects I've failed in before while also passing some new ones. I accepted being alone, accepted my sexuality and decided not to care about other people and not care what they thought about me. I lost all my weight and I started to be my own person. I'd only relapse on my addiction every once in a while, but it wasn't anything serious. I even stopped talking to my brother and pretend he doesn't exists, for the most part. That hasn't stopped him from baiting me into a fight with him almost choking me to death twice.
But even then so I couldn't fully enjoy it because the pain of loosing so much would always catch up with me. My depression and anxiety would play games with me thus making me lose most of the jobs I've had. And while I am an introvert, the pain of not having true friends and not having someone in reality to be completely uncensored with always gets to me. I went to therapy but the therapist was more concern on pushing her religion on me (I'm an atheist but never told her that) and sessions with my family were more patronizing than hallmark cards. My brother knows how to manipulate people so well that my extended family and my therapist thinks I'm the bad guy. My mother sent me to a psychiatrist, she thought my symptoms was because of how my dad died (admitidly that's the lie I was pusing). The psychiatrist did our session in front of my mom and even then so he was being patronizing and pushed pills on me that only made me feel sleepy and suicidal.
And now we reach today. 27, 28 next months and these couple of years is the worst for me. My depression and anxiety are getting worse. I have to try hard just so that I can make the voices of irrational thinking and irrational paranoia to shut up. I have no job, not that there're much options in this small shitty country I'm living in. The only thing I'm good at is Graphic Arts and the job opportunities for that here is rare and unfortunately moving out of the country to another is a lot of red tape. Though I doubt I'll make it on my own in another country anyways. I honestly don't want a job because I've had 7 before and my experience with other people have always been bad. I really don't want to be a wage slave and don't want to be a person who has to pretend to like someone and care about their bullshit.
I use to get some relief by smoking weed, but even then so the person of whom I use to get it from is no longer in the picture. Recently I relapsed hard on my addiction. I wish it were drugs so that I could eventually die, but it's not. There was two lines in that addiction that I swore never to cross. The first line was crossed a month ago, the 2nd one was today.
So in the end of the day, for a person where therapy, family and friends have failed me. Where my depression, anxiety and addiction is getting worse the only logical exit from the pain, regret and guilt is to catch the bus. I wish it wasn't though. I wish I had a better body, better mind and a better life. I regret being born and I see myself as a monster.
I was born literally becuase my parents had a troubled child, my older brother, and literally these idiots listened to all the old people in thinking that he needed a brother to be fixed. Cuz therapy isn't a logical step at that age.
My older brother made my life a living hell, he'd abuse me physically and mentally by emotionally blackmailing me, beating me and doing other things with me. There was this one time where he tricked me into hanging myself when I was 3. I would've been dead if my mom didn't find me(honestly I regret that she did). Most of the time I would hide my abuse from my parents, cuz they had problems on their own, with my dad's mental illness and my mom having to deal with father's family.
My father's family saw my older brother as the golden child, he could do no wrong and they would always tell me to be more like him. My mother's family only cares about her well being. I'm virtually non existent. The only time life was good for me during this time was when I was with my parents alone, when I was with friends or when I was in school. Even though the good times seemed to outweigh the bad, it wouldn't last.
When I became 13, I had to go to a new school and in my country you change school plenty times. It's horrible because you lose friends and just when you think you've got new ones you have to start over again. At this point the protective veils that my parents had on me were gone due to reality. I was fat, an outcast and was bullied every time I went to school. It was around this time I started having suicidal thoughts brought on by depression and anxiety. I even tried being a sellout to try to fit in, but I only was made to be the village idiot of the school. I hated them and I also hated myself for being so different and being gay. And due to a combination of what my brother used to do to me and me trying to find my sexuality, I started to develop my addiction at this age.
During my teen hood my brother was getting worse, he was abusive to me and my parents and my parents would forgo my happiness just so they don't piss him off. Hell I used to sell out my parents just so that my brother would love me and I wouldn't feel alone. When I got older and started thinking for myself, I worked hard to be on the right side while pretending to be on his just to survive and for him to just leave them alone. Time alone with my parents during this point was getting rare. I was alone though and I knew it. There were probelms with me that I couldn't even tell them. And I always had to fight my problems alone.
In my late teens - 23 I used to do everything in my power to help people. I needed people's approval and sympathy so bad. It was all just so that I wouldn't feel alone. Even then so I still had to be censored around them. This resulted in a lot of people using and abusing me and I still had to deal with things on my own. The only good there was during this was when I started seeing my cousin's son more often and when I had a true friend who lived close to me. My cousin's son gave me the strength to at least give up my addiction and for me to tolerate my mental illness. We were more like brothers, I considered him my kid brother. But ofcouse like anybody who came into my life, they eventually left. My friend died and two weeks later my kid brother died. Then a couple of years after my dad died.
Later on in my 20s things seemed to be going well for me. I managed to go back to school and passed most of the subjects I've failed in before while also passing some new ones. I accepted being alone, accepted my sexuality and decided not to care about other people and not care what they thought about me. I lost all my weight and I started to be my own person. I'd only relapse on my addiction every once in a while, but it wasn't anything serious. I even stopped talking to my brother and pretend he doesn't exists, for the most part. That hasn't stopped him from baiting me into a fight with him almost choking me to death twice.
But even then so I couldn't fully enjoy it because the pain of loosing so much would always catch up with me. My depression and anxiety would play games with me thus making me lose most of the jobs I've had. And while I am an introvert, the pain of not having true friends and not having someone in reality to be completely uncensored with always gets to me. I went to therapy but the therapist was more concern on pushing her religion on me (I'm an atheist but never told her that) and sessions with my family were more patronizing than hallmark cards. My brother knows how to manipulate people so well that my extended family and my therapist thinks I'm the bad guy. My mother sent me to a psychiatrist, she thought my symptoms was because of how my dad died (admitidly that's the lie I was pusing). The psychiatrist did our session in front of my mom and even then so he was being patronizing and pushed pills on me that only made me feel sleepy and suicidal.
And now we reach today. 27, 28 next months and these couple of years is the worst for me. My depression and anxiety are getting worse. I have to try hard just so that I can make the voices of irrational thinking and irrational paranoia to shut up. I have no job, not that there're much options in this small shitty country I'm living in. The only thing I'm good at is Graphic Arts and the job opportunities for that here is rare and unfortunately moving out of the country to another is a lot of red tape. Though I doubt I'll make it on my own in another country anyways. I honestly don't want a job because I've had 7 before and my experience with other people have always been bad. I really don't want to be a wage slave and don't want to be a person who has to pretend to like someone and care about their bullshit.
I use to get some relief by smoking weed, but even then so the person of whom I use to get it from is no longer in the picture. Recently I relapsed hard on my addiction. I wish it were drugs so that I could eventually die, but it's not. There was two lines in that addiction that I swore never to cross. The first line was crossed a month ago, the 2nd one was today.
So in the end of the day, for a person where therapy, family and friends have failed me. Where my depression, anxiety and addiction is getting worse the only logical exit from the pain, regret and guilt is to catch the bus. I wish it wasn't though. I wish I had a better body, better mind and a better life. I regret being born and I see myself as a monster.
