Story My spiritual journey with my suicide

[BlueButterfly111]

Sorry if I offend anyone with spirituality talk, I advise you not to read if you don't want to. I'm just making this post because I've been reflecting on a lot of things before my life will hopefully come to an end soon. I don't have all the answers, and I don't know what will happen after I die, but I consider myself an agnostic spiritualist. And these are just some of my feelings about my life.

I feel like I had a past life, or maybe multiple lives here before, and perhaps somewhere else. I'm only 22 but feel like I have a very old soul. I feel like I've lived 1000 different lifetimes. I also feel very old and have difficulty working with my body feeling tired and weak. Whenever I tell anybody about this, they just laugh it off or think I'm just being dramatic. Or they believe that I'm just depressed.

I also never felt human in this lifetime, I feel like an alien amongst humans. No one ever understood me and I never could understand anyone else, due to being autistic. I feel like my soul just belongs somewhere else. But at the same time, life on this Earth feels very familiar, like I've been here before in another lifetime. I also believe that this lifetime that I'm living now, might've already been planned and suicide is in my soul contract. My mother said that when I was a child, all I did was cry, and I've always been very sensitive. I feel like it's because my soul already knew that I didn't belong here and I didn't want to be here. I believe this because I've had multiple psychic experiences, and I've seen the future before it happened. For example, I had a dream about my boyfriend passing away, a few months before he passed away.

I've seen multiple theories online that neurodivergent people might be from a different dimension, but I'm only gonna speak for myself. I've always felt uncomfortable in my human body, and I've always had this feeling of wanting to go "home" in this lifetime. This lifetime never felt right to me, and I don't know why I came here or was sent here. I always longed for a home or family that wasn't here. I never felt connected to my real family or my life in general in this lifetime. Well that was until my boyfriend passed away, then I believed that he was probably part of my soul group. Maybe the purpose was for my boyfriend and I to find each other in our short lives but idk. He was also neurodivergent, but he was bipolar and had schizophrenia. I didn't even know this until his sister told me after he passed away. I feel like maybe he was from another dimension as well, because he also felt a lot of the same ways that I did.

And my entire experience this past year with my boyfriend passing away, made me realize my own spirituality again. There are so many things that happened with him that can't just be a coincidence. I feel like we were both supposed to die young, and that we were meant to find each other. I'm thinking/hoping I'll find him again in the cosmos or another dimension/lifetime. I probably already met him before in a past timeline due to how familiar he felt.

I felt like both of our souls knew that he was about to pass away. One time, shortly before he passed, he said something like, "you'll be okay, with me or without me." I also would feel very worried and concerned about him a lot.

So, my boyfriend passed away almost 7 months ago. I feel like he was my soulmate, or twinflame, I just felt like my soul is connected to his. There's a lot of spiritual signs that I got from him, from both when he was alive and after he passed away.

One time, shorty after I met him, he called me the nickname hunny bunny. My mom and family used to call me hunny bunny when I was little, and my mom said she called me that before I was born, but she didn't know why.

I took a picture of a cloud that looked like a teddy bear after he passed away, his sister said it was him sending me a gift, a teddy bear. I took the picture at the park that he and I used to walk at.

Both of our Birthdays are on the 8th, he was shot 8 times by a police officer while he was having a mental health crisis.

I played a song for him that just came to me a few weeks before he passed away, and I played it for him the very last time we were together, and I held him.

I was wearing the same outfit I had on when I first met him, the very last time I seen him. He noticed it and said, "isn't that the outfit you had on the first time we met", and I said yes. Then he said "That outfit was made for you."

I might be missing a few at the moment, I just felt like my soul was connected to him in some way. I even told him that I believed that he was my soulmate.

I really miss him in a way you would miss a part of your soul that you needed. He was so much more than a boyfriend, and this was so much more than a relationship, he was my soul partner in this lifetime.

I remember the very last time I was with him I was just telling him over and over again how much I loved him. I told him I loved him before obviously, but not as much as I did that night. I was feeling very in love and happy with him.

I'm hoping that when I die I can go to a different universe/dimension/realm. Hoping I can find my actual home. But more than anything I'm hoping I can go find my boyfriend again somewhere in an afterlife.

I would really appreciate it if there are no mean comments telling me that I'm delusional or something like that. Like I said before, you didn't have to read and I gave a warning! Thanks for reading! I just wanted to share my thoughts! This was probably all over the place, and I'm probably missing details.

 

[unworthy_]

Hello Blue Butterfly. I hear you and feel your pain of losing your boyfriend. The pain must be unimaginable because we could never see them again. As an agnostic myself. I hope rainbow bridge and afterlife are real therefore we could see our loved ones once more. If it is real, I hope I could still protect them from the other side if I am gone

 

[before20]

First of all, I'm so sorry about the loss of your boyfriend and particularly the way he died. It's just inhumane what people to do to those with mental health struggles; especially after so much supposed effort put forth into educating them about how "beautiful" life is. But I digress.

I admit I could never convince myself into believing anything spiritual/religious, but that's because I've never had experiences like yours. The signs/dreams you had do seem too good to be coincidental, particularly the revival of the old nickname, that was quite beautiful. I hope for your sake, there is an afterlife or another world where you can meet again.

 

[toxicjester]

Your spiritual experiences feel like they speak a lot to me. I don't know if maybe because I'm also autistic but everything in this world feels so out of place. I've found myself so often wanting to go "home" but not having a place that fits the description. I feel like I've had the universe show me signs of the future before or when shitty stuff is going to happen.

A while ago my gf attempted to ctb. The weekend of the attempt I was away for family matters and I kept getting this sinking feeling. I also kept getting signs about it being that my gf would ctb. It wasn't until I got home that all of this was confirmed.

For me these feelings also the feeling that this isn't my timeline. I've talked so much about this in other posts but basically I had a dream that I chose between two different rooms with my family in each one and then from there on our everything feels wrong.

I know when I pass I want to be a harp seal. I want an easier life. But maybe even more than that, if my gf goes before I do, I want to find her in the next life, and maybe we can be seals together

I hope I'm not detailing your post, I just wanted to express that I feel such a strong connection to everything you said, and I'm so sorry about your bf, he sounds wonderful. I hope you can find him in the next experience you have

 

[BlueButterfly111]

First of all, I'm so sorry about the loss of your boyfriend and particularly the way he died. It's just inhumane what people to do to those with mental health struggles; especially after so much supposed effort put forth into educating them about how "beautiful" life is. But I digress.

I admit I could never convince myself into believing anything spiritual/religious, but that's because I've never had experiences like yours. The signs/dreams you had do seem too good to be coincidental, particularly the revival of the old nickname, that was quite beautiful. I hope for your sake, there is an afterlife or another world where you can meet again.

Thank you so much for the kinds words! I agree with you! Yeah, before I met him, I never really had a spiritual experience quite like that! Thank you so much

Your spiritual experiences feel like they speak a lot to me. I don't know if maybe because I'm also autistic but everything in this world feels so out of place. I've found myself so often wanting to go "home" but not having a place that fits the description. I feel like I've had the universe show me signs of the future before or when shitty stuff is going to happen.

A while ago my gf attempted to ctb. The weekend of the attempt I was away for family matters and I kept getting this sinking feeling. I also kept getting signs about it being that my gf would ctb. It wasn't until I got home that all of this was confirmed.

For me these feelings also the feeling that this isn't my timeline. I've talked so much about this in other posts but basically I had a dream that I chose between two different rooms with my family in each one and then from there on our everything feels wrong.

I know when I pass I want to be a harp seal. I want an easier life. But maybe even more than that, if my gf goes before I do, I want to find her in the next life, and maybe we can be seals together

I hope I'm not detailing your post, I just wanted to express that I feel such a strong connection to everything you said, and I'm so sorry about your bf, he sounds wonderful. I hope you can find him in the next experience you have

I'm so glad to hear that I'm not alone in that experience! Have you heard of something called a starseed? If not I would advise you to research about it!

It also sounds like you may have psychic abilities, or at least a spiritual connection to your girlfriend! Thanks for sharing, that's so interesting!

And wow I'm so happy to hear that you have had a similar experience to me, makes me feel less alone! Thank you so much for sharing!

I feel like I might've been a different species in my past life! Seals are so cute! Awww

And no I appreciate you so much for commenting/ sharing your experience with me! It really means a lot! Thank you, and I hope you will be able to go home, and reconnect with your gf too. Just whatever will bring you peace and happiness.

 

[divinemistress36]

Ive heard older souls have harder lives. I believe in past lives to. My human brain cant understand why we would choose such difficult lives but I guess our higher selves think different. I think we do go to another dimension after we die and Im sure your love will be waiting for you on the otherside he sounds like he is a true soulmate

 

[BlueButterfly111]

Ive heard older souls have harder lives. I believe in past lives to. My human brain cant understand why we would choose such difficult lives but I guess our higher selves think different. I think we do go to another dimension after we die and Im sure your love will be waiting for you on the otherside he sounds like he is a true soulmate

Thank you so much for saying that about my soulmate! Im almost certain he will be there too, and is still with me now. Well if it's true that old souls have harder lives than that makes sense, why some of us might suffer so much. Maybe it will all make much more sense on the other side. Maybe we can find our true peace and happiness. This life definitely just doesn't feel like home to me, but he did, so maybe we would both go to our home together!

 

[divinemistress36]

Thank you so much for saying that about my soulmate! Im almost certain he will be there too, and is still with me now. Well if it's true that old souls have harder lives than that makes sense, why some of us might suffer so much. Maybe it will all make much more sense on the other side. Maybe we can find our true peace and happiness. This life definitely just doesn't feel like home to me, but he did, so maybe we would both go to our home together!

Channeling Erik youtube is interesting to watch about the otherside

 

[BlueButterfly111]

Channeling Erik youtube is interesting to watch about the otherside

I'll have to check it out, thanks!

 

[Valhala]

Linear temporality, that is, the so-called "vulgar concept of time" (Heidegger) in the phenomenological sense is not an objective given, but exclusively a product of the convergent reflection of our mind in relation to the existential environment. In this sense, I also have the feeling that after "passing" I would find myself again with her, my love, despite the fact that she is alive and would still be alive in this dimension after my "passing".

 

[BlueButterfly111]

Linear temporality, that is, the so-called "vulgar concept of time" (Heidegger) in the phenomenological sense is not an objective given, but exclusively a product of the convergent reflection of our mind in relation to the existential environment. In this sense, I also have the feeling that after "passing" I would find myself again with her, my love, despite the fact that she is alive and would still be alive in this dimension after my "passing".

Wow, very interesting. I feel like he's still with me, I've seen many signs and symbols that I believe are from him. I also can still feel him, his energy, his love and light. Now I hope I will be with him again when I die hopefully soon. Thanks so much for the information!

 

[Languish]

I too have an old soul. Hence my name. I feel frail, weak. Every step I take is a step I lack the strength to take. It feels as if gravity is so much more intense for me. Others walk as if feathers on a soft breeze, light and effortless. I walk as though my legs were mountains in which I had to rip from the earth with every step, oh how easily they come crashing down, though.

To be an old soul is to often carry a weight beyond what any mortal body could endure. I worry that if I die, all my pain in this life will only make my soul heavier in the next.

I seek a better, kinder life. One in which I feel human. One in which love lasts, and isn't lost to death early. One in which my steps are like falling snow. One in which I feel alive, rather than akin to a walking corpse. This life is a hollow one.

There was a quote I always loved. "Do you know why the rose is beautiful? Because you pluck it before it withers." - unfortunately I am already withered. My soul is rotten. Yet.. the one I lost, who died too young.. if there is one comfort I have in her death, it is that at least it was plucked before her soul could wither as mine has. I did not wish for my rot to spread and taint her.

 

[melancholymoonjuice]

Sorry if I offend anyone with spirituality talk, I advise you not to read if you don't want to. I'm just making this post because I've been reflecting on a lot of things before my life will hopefully come to an end soon. I don't have all the answers, and I don't know what will happen after I die, but I consider myself an agnostic spiritualist. And these are just some of my feelings about my life.

I feel like I had a past life, or maybe multiple lives here before, and perhaps somewhere else. I'm only 22 but feel like I have a very old soul. I feel like I've lived 1000 different lifetimes. I also feel very old and have difficulty working with my body feeling tired and weak. Whenever I tell anybody about this, they just laugh it off or think I'm just being dramatic. Or they believe that I'm just depressed.

I also never felt human in this lifetime, I feel like an alien amongst humans. No one ever understood me and I never could understand anyone else, due to being autistic. I feel like my soul just belongs somewhere else. But at the same time, life on this Earth feels very familiar, like I've been here before in another lifetime. I also believe that this lifetime that I'm living now, might've already been planned and suicide is in my soul contract. My mother said that when I was a child, all I did was cry, and I've always been very sensitive. I feel like it's because my soul already knew that I didn't belong here and I didn't want to be here. I believe this because I've had multiple psychic experiences, and I've seen the future before it happened. For example, I had a dream about my boyfriend passing away, a few months before he passed away.

I've seen multiple theories online that neurodivergent people might be from a different dimension, but I'm only gonna speak for myself. I've always felt uncomfortable in my human body, and I've always had this feeling of wanting to go "home" in this lifetime. This lifetime never felt right to me, and I don't know why I came here or was sent here. I always longed for a home or family that wasn't here. I never felt connected to my real family or my life in general in this lifetime. Well that was until my boyfriend passed away, then I believed that he was probably part of my soul group. Maybe the purpose was for my boyfriend and I to find each other in our short lives but idk. He was also neurodivergent, but he was bipolar and had schizophrenia. I didn't even know this until his sister told me after he passed away. I feel like maybe he was from another dimension as well, because he also felt a lot of the same ways that I did.

And my entire experience this past year with my boyfriend passing away, made me realize my own spirituality again. There are so many things that happened with him that can't just be a coincidence. I feel like we were both supposed to die young, and that we were meant to find each other. I'm thinking/hoping I'll find him again in the cosmos or another dimension/lifetime. I probably already met him before in a past timeline due to how familiar he felt.

I felt like both of our souls knew that he was about to pass away. One time, shortly before he passed, he said something like, "you'll be okay, with me or without me." I also would feel very worried and concerned about him a lot.

So, my boyfriend passed away almost 7 months ago. I feel like he was my soulmate, or twinflame, I just felt like my soul is connected to his. There's a lot of spiritual signs that I got from him, from both when he was alive and after he passed away.

One time, shorty after I met him, he called me the nickname hunny bunny. My mom and family used to call me hunny bunny when I was little, and my mom said she called me that before I was born, but she didn't know why.

I took a picture of a cloud that looked like a teddy bear after he passed away, his sister said it was him sending me a gift, a teddy bear. I took the picture at the park that he and I used to walk at.

Both of our Birthdays are on the 8th, he was shot 8 times by a police officer while he was having a mental health crisis.

I played a song for him that just came to me a few weeks before he passed away, and I played it for him the very last time we were together, and I held him.

I was wearing the same outfit I had on when I first met him, the very last time I seen him. He noticed it and said, "isn't that the outfit you had on the first time we met", and I said yes. Then he said "That outfit was made for you."

I might be missing a few at the moment, I just felt like my soul was connected to him in some way. I even told him that I believed that he was my soulmate.

I really miss him in a way you would miss a part of your soul that you needed. He was so much more than a boyfriend, and this was so much more than a relationship, he was my soul partner in this lifetime.

I remember the very last time I was with him I was just telling him over and over again how much I loved him. I told him I loved him before obviously, but not as much as I did that night. I was feeling very in love and happy with him.

I'm hoping that when I die I can go to a different universe/dimension/realm. Hoping I can find my actual home. But more than anything I'm hoping I can go find my boyfriend again somewhere in an afterlife.

I would really appreciate it if there are no mean comments telling me that I'm delusional or something like that. Like I said before, you didn't have to read and I gave a warning! Thanks for reading! I just wanted to share my thoughts! This was probably all over the place, and I'm probably missing details.

I am spiritual and neurodivergent as well. I've always had the same feeling of not belonging here and longing to go home. I am so sorry that you had to go through all that pain.