The biggest regret in my life is not succeeding at my last suicide attempt, 15 years ago. I've done nothing but tread water and go through the motions, and for what? To make my family and friends feel better about something that affects me first, and even that's a joke, because I know I've been more of a burden than anything else my entire life.
I went to therapy for over a year, and worked through all kinds of stuff from my childhood, like blaming myself for not being able to protect my family from my abusive and violent drunk father. And you know what the kicker is? That's just shit that happened to me, and it's not why I want to die. I want to die because as long as I can remember, existence has caused me pain. I wake up, and my first impulse is to harm myself, every day for the last 35 years. I shake it off, and I go about my business, because that's what I'm "supposed" to do. But it's not what I want to do. I want to put myself to sleep.
People always try and tell me "It gets better", or my personal favorite, "I/We don't want to see you suffer", yet these are the same people who insist I keep existing, just so they don't have to face their own mortality. Because that's the real reason suicide is taboo. Those same people who "supported" me are the first ones to cut bait when I don't "get better". I had a group discord, a so-called "support" group, and all six of them cut me loose and blocked me on every shared platform Friday. No reason, no warning, just dropped me like a bad habit. I've been hanging on by a thread for a month now, and it feels like that thread just got cut.
These are people I've known for years, people who claimed to be there if I needed them. It's fucking bullshit. No one cares about anyone but themselves, the "normal" ones just like shaming those of us who don't have a survival instinct for reminding them of death. "People get sick of you being sick", I think someone once said. It's the truest thing I know. Everyone wants to change you, no one has the fortitude to sit with you while you deal with your pain. This is just going to keep happening at this rate unless I succeed and end it finally. I can't keep going in these loops of lying to myself and finding "support", only to have people realize that I'm just a pile of shit that wants to die, and short of a chemical lobotomy, that won't change.
I have people in my life that I love to pieces, it makes me sad that they don't love me enough to put bullet in the back of my head and let me rest. I don't even know why I posted all this, but thanks for letting me leave my shit here. It might end up being the only proof I existed if I fix the mistake I've regretted for the last 15 years.
