My SN has arrived. How do I feel about it now?

[Sweet Release]

Hey.
Just making a little conversation.
So, I ordered SN and its actually here with me right now!
My decision to CTB was not a snap decision; my life fell apart years ago and at the time I decided to stay alive because I thought that maybe I could heal and rebuild my life.

That was a long time ago now and the trauma has not healed and whilst my my life isn't as bad as it was I am still broken.

I am now in a state of deep contemplation.
I was recently so desperate for it all to be over that I was actually afraid that I wouldn't be able to CTB and would just be stuck here.

Now that I know its possible I feel so much calmer and at peace.
I don't want to do it straight away as I have a few last things to do so I plan to do it in the next few weeks.

I still have a few apprehensions as part of me wonders if its still possible to make my life go right but on the other hand I'm just so tired of this shit.
Anyway, thanks to anyone who has the time to read this.
Hope you all have a great weekend.

 

[xBrialesana]

Message me anytime I understand what you're experiencing. It's sick but I look at my bottle and even hold it longingly because I have to wait a bit. It's all I really have anymore is that bottle and the pills that go with it.

I'm glad you're not being impulsive and giving yourself time to figure things out while still having the comfort of having your bottle. I wish you the best, truly, sending you all the love!

 

[Sweet Release]

Message me anytime I understand what you're experiencing. It's sick but I look at my bottle and even hold it longingly because I have to wait a bit. It's all I really have anymore is that bottle and the pills that go with it.

I'm glad you're not being impulsive and giving yourself time to figure things out while still having the comfort of having your bottle. I wish you the best, truly, sending you all the love!

Thank you, I highly appreciate that.
Yeah it sounds like we're both in the same boat about this.

I think just being able to make the choice whether to leave or not is empowering.
I actually feel in control of my life; something I haven't felt for a long long time.
Sending you my best wishes.

 

[ArtsyDrawer]

It's an amazing feeling, isn't it?
When mine came in with a "discreet package" which looks like something the Unabomber would use, by the way, I had some very mixed feelings.

First of all, just hauling it home.
"Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Cops! Everywhere! Why are there cops everywhere all of a sudden?!?!?! Fuck the fucking cops! FUUUUUUUUUUCK!!!" - translated, and somewhat paraphrased.
Except in my head, of course.
I was shaking like a Hitachi Wand while I was trying to walk home with it unsuspiciously.

Then I opened the bag. Tore it open. And in it were four smaller baggies, in which there are even smaller baggies filled with this white-ish, yellow-ish powder.
I picked one up and just stared at it for a good minute.
"Holy shit, this is it. This is my exit button. This is the stuff!"

I immediately mummified the Unabomber bag with duct tape (ducktape?) but left one baggie out. That one I put in a glass jar with this... mechanism... on it, which closes it. It's supposedly airtight, but I still left that baggie unopened.
Ever so often I open that drawer and kinda pause. Seeing this one baggie is calming. At worst, I mix this with water and... Bon appetite!

Haven't tested the stuff. Don't know how, and now, with the coronavirus outbreak, I can't order anything to test it with.
I know you have to visit an aquarium shop, but there's this ritual to test it, and I don't know what the ritual is and how to perform it.

You think I can trust this?

 

[BPD Barbie]

When mine came it was like a confort blanket had arrived in the post. Even now, having in the same room as me just makes me feel relaxed and like it'll all be ok in the end. Remember though, it's OK if you want to give everything one more try. The SN isn't going anywhere now, you've got it, but this doesn't have to end here

 

[Sweet Release]

It's an amazing feeling, isn't it?
When mine came in with a "discreet package" which looks like something the Unabomber would use, by the way, I had some very mixed feelings.

First of all, just hauling it home.
"Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Cops! Everywhere! Why are there cops everywhere all of a sudden?!?!?! Fuck the fucking cops! FUUUUUUUUUUCK!!!" - translated, and somewhat paraphrased.
Except in my head, of course.
I was shaking like a Hitachi Wand while I was trying to walk home with it unsuspiciously.

Then I opened the bag. Tore it open. And in it were four smaller baggies, in which there are even smaller baggies filled with this white-ish, yellow-ish powder.
I picked one up and just stared at it for a good minute.
"Holy shit, this is it. This is my exit button. This is the stuff!"

I immediately mummified the Unabomber bag with duct tape (ducktape?) but left one baggie out. That one I put in a glass jar with this... mechanism... on it, which closes it. It's supposedly airtight, but I still left that baggie unopened.
Ever so often I open that drawer and kinda pause. Seeing this one baggie is calming. At worst, I mix this with water and... Bon appetite!

Haven't tested the stuff. Don't know how, and now, with the coronavirus outbreak, I can't order anything to test it with.
I know you have to visit an aquarium shop, but there's this ritual to test it, and I don't know what the ritual is and how to perform it.

You think I can trust this?

Wow, you're very articulate and full of character.
Are you a professional writer? You have a great way of describing all the emotions and details.
That aside I wish I could help you in regards to advising on how effective this could be and I am not aware of any ritual or regarding visiting an aquarium.
Hope someone here can help you with that.

When mine came it was like a confort blanket had arrived in the post. Even now, having in the same room as me just makes me feel relaxed and like it'll all be ok in the end. Remember though, it's OK if you want to give everything one more try. The SN isn't going anywhere now, you've got it, but this doesn't have to end here ❤

Thats exactly what I am going through.
Whether I give life one last chance or decide to leave soon, I at least feel like I doing things on my own terms.
Thanks for being supportive and I hope you are at peace with whatever you decide to do.

 

[ArtsyDrawer]

Wow, you're very articulate and full of character.
Are you a professional writer? You have a great way of describing all the emotions and details.
That aside I wish I could help you in regards to advising on how effective this could be and I am not aware of any ritual or regarding visiting an aquarium.
Hope someone here can help you with that.

More like aspiring writer.
I wish I could write nicely on demand. I read a lot on r/writingprompts when the mood is right. Actually wrote maybe three... Things... And those are mediocre at best.
Like, that post? Yeah, it's kinda nice I guess. I was reminiscing on nearly shitting my pants.
If I could write like that on cue, I'd be... well, not a happy, happy man, but at least somewhat happier.

 

[Sweet Release]

More like aspiring writer.
I wish I could write nicely on demand. I read a lot on r/writingprompts when the mood is right. Actually wrote maybe three... Things... And those are mediocre at best.
Like, that post? Yeah, it's kinda nice I guess. I was reminiscing on nearly shitting my pants.
If I could write like that on cue, I'd be... well, not a happy, happy man, but at least somewhat happier.

I knew it!
I really hope you pursue writing, "reminiscing on nearly shitting my pants." LOL!