My SN Arrived.

[WirriumDank]

This is so surreal. I finally have something I can control in my life as ironic as that sounds. I could end it anytime I want and yet something is holding me back and I don't know what it is. What's holding you guys back from ending it all? I'm just curious.

 

[Dawn0071111]

Sometimes all we need is that power. I will NEVER get rid of my method. The best thing about attepting suicide and coming close to death for me is knowing that I have the MEANS. Sure the SI kicks in, but if I really need to I can overcome it. Its kina like the little box that says "in case of emergency break glass"--------- maybe you will never have to break glass, maybe you will, but at least you have the tool behind the glass. For me, I am waiting until I am in a position where I will not be a financial burden on anyone.

 

[milorddd]

For me thinking of my loved ones ( the one still actually cares for me ). I also have mine ready, every night I want to CTB, it always cross my mind. Makes it a lot harder for me anyway.

 

[WirriumDank]

Sometimes all we need is that power. I will NEVER get rid of my method. The best thing about attepting suicide and coming close to death for me is knowing that I have the MEANS. Sure the SI kicks in, but if I really need to I can overcome it. Its kina like the little box that says "in case of emergency break glass"--------- maybe you will never have to break glass, maybe you will, but at least you have the tool behind the glass. For me, I am waiting until I am in a position where I will not be a financial burden on anyone.

I'm the exact same way, I understand that completely. It feels so good to have that peacefulness that comes with the thought of you could leave any time you wanted to. I guess my reason for being around is that I just want to do some good before I leave now that I think about it.

For me thinking of my loved ones ( the one still actually cares for me ). I also have mine ready, every night I want to CTB, it always cross my mind. Makes it a lot harder for me anyway.

That's wholesome. Cherish your time with this person. I lost everyone I ever cared about in the span of 3 months, and trust me, you don't want to know what that's like. Make every second count. I'm very happy to hear you still have someone left that cares for you.

 

[SuicidalSymphonies]

My date is in April. Away from all of the special holidays and birthdays. Doesn't help my dad's birthday is two days before mine. That's all that's keeping me or I'd go sooner.

 

[not-2-b-the-answer]

Fear and hurting family & friends. I think mostly fear.

 

[milorddd]

That's wholesome. Cherish your time with this person. I lost everyone I ever cared about in the span of 3 months, and trust me, you don't want to know what that's like. Make every second count. I'm very happy to hear you still have someone left that cares for you.

I'm sorry to hear that. I would definetely have done it, if it wasn't for this person.
But somehow in my case, it makes it complicated because I know If I keep going I will be a nuisance to this person in the future.

 

[FeelingSinister]

When reading through people's answers, I feel like the weirdest creature on Earth, and like there's something seriously wrong with me (well, there is, of course...). Am I the only one on this forum who loves her life, a lot actually, but just can't stand the pain depression brings? Is everyone else robbed of their love and lust for life?

My pain won. Today I ordered my N. But unfortunately, what keeps me here is everything in my life, everything I managed to nurture as much as my mental illness allowed me to. What pushes me "there" is the unbearable pain of my trauma. The conflict between them makes me fully-fledged crazy at times.

Having the means will be a bliss, though. I will be able to end it whenever I get to the floor-crawling stage again.

 

[woxihuanni]

Have mine ready, too. There are so many bottles sitting around having a stare contest with SI.

What keeps me here is that I love myself, my friends and the life I have managed to build. That life is broken, but I fight still to glue it together. Any day it may be over, though.

If that bottle was not sitting there, I would have gone crazy.

 

[FeelingSinister]

Have mine ready, too. There are so many bottles sitting around having a stare contest with SI.

What keeps me here is that I love myself, my friends and the life I have managed to build. That life is broken, but I fight still to glue it together. Any day it may be over, though.

If that bottle was not sitting there, I would have gone crazy.

I love my friends, my dog, and my life, but I hate myself :). The feeling of "any day may be over" is very powerful.

 

[Thanatos]

Was @Dawn0071111 banned?:( the last post was the one here

 

[FeelingSinister]

Was @Dawn0071111 banned?:( the last post was the one here

No, I think she changed her name for some reason.

 

[woxihuanni]

I love my friends, my dog, and my life, but I hate myself :). The feeling of "any day may be over" is very powerful.

I would wish any of us to come to love our selves before we leave. And I don't know how it happened, but at last it happened. When death put emotions, reactions, regrets in puny contrast, maybe. All these come and go but I have never done an unforgivable crime. I don't think any of us here has.

 

[lofistos345]

This is so surreal. I finally have something I can control in my life as ironic as that sounds. I could end it anytime I want and yet something is holding me back and I don't know what it is. What's holding you guys back from ending it all? I'm just curious.

How does it looks like?

 

[WirriumDank]

How does it looks like?

White, yellowish powder. Just as described.

 

[JTG1972]

Mine arrived recently too. I keep shifting between excitement and hope, and a quiet almost sickly sort of feeling about it. Having it feels like a relief, but also causes some stress because my wife is very, very observant and so I have to hide it (currently in the garage) and hope she doesn't come upon it.

 

[woxihuanni]

Mine arrived recently too. I keep shifting between excitement and hope, and a quiet almost sickly sort of feeling about it. Having it feels like a relief, but also causes some stress because my wife is very, very observant and so I have to hide it (currently in the garage) and hope she doesn't come upon it.

It sat by the side of the bed for a while where my ex-partner could see it when they stuck their head in. They also picked up the package and handed it to me. No questions asked. I was not being careless, I knew they wouldn't 'see' anything right in front of their eyes and I was right.

 

[MeltingHeart]

No, I think she changed her name for some reason.

I wonder what the purpose of that would be? I cant figure it out

 

[Rachel74]

I wonder what the purpose of that would be? I cant figure it out

You have to self ban if you either want to change your name and start a new account.

 

[MeltingHeart]

You have to self ban if you either want to change your name and start a new account.

But for what reason would you need to start a new account I mean

 

[Rachel74]

But for what reason would you need to start a new account I mean

To change your name. There is no way to change your username so you have to start a new profile.

 

[MeltingHeart]

To change your name. There is no way to change your username so you have to start a new profile.

ahh ok. I guess if yr worried someone might 'find' you on here or something I suppose

 

[Rachel74]

ahh ok. I guess if yr worried someone might 'find' you on here or something I suppose

Yes, don't use your real name lol

 

[Bagger]

This is so surreal. I finally have something I can control in my life as ironic as that sounds. I could end it anytime I want and yet something is holding me back and I don't know what it is. What's holding you guys back from ending it all? I'm just curious.

I have mine too. I thought when i finally gather all my resources i will feel SOMETHING but nah... I felt nothing. Getting meto was fun, cuz I've got lovely letter with it, getting SN was just three clicks + 2 days of waiting. No excitement or sadness, or anything else. THIS was surreal. I was alone almost 2 month, struggling with overcoming fucking SI and THAT special day when i was almost ready someone miraculously recollected that i exist, came to me, talk to me, smoke with me, drive me off far away from my town, and gave me some hope i was desperately looking for. I forgot about everything bad for couple of hours, and this was the event that stopped me from doing it. For now i don't regret postponing, but in the future who knows... So I've stashed my "means" close... Just in case...

 

[Rachel74]

I have mine too. I thought when i finally gather all my resources i will feel SOMETHING but nah... I felt nothing. Getting meto was fun, cuz I've got lovely letter with it, getting SN was just three clicks + 2 days of waiting. No excitement or sadness, or anything else. THIS was surreal. I was alone almost 2 month, struggling with overcoming fucking SI and THAT special day when i was almost ready someone miraculously recollected that i exist, came to me, talk to me, smoke with me, drive me off far away from my town, and gave me some hope i was desperately looking for. I forgot about everything bad for couple of hours, and this was the event that stopped me from doing it. For now i don't regret postponing, but in the future who knows... So I've stashed my "means" close... Just in case...

That's so lovely to hear

 

[Daniela]

Getting meto was fun, cuz I've got lovely letter with it,

How did you get meto?

 

[Bagger]

How did you get meto?

I've got it from one of the very caring SS member. Unfortunately i cannot say more... Hope you will understand.

 

[*KNAZ*]

My SN arrived last Friday. I was so relieved to have it in my hands finally. I was almost happy. I took a break from this site and went camping to let my mind settle some. Now I'm back in town and it's the same shit. I don't want to go into work tomorrow. I want to pack my clothes and personal belongings up and leave them in the closet in the room I'm renting from a stranger. Make it easy when the time comes and someone wants what's left of my stuff.

Then take a backpack and make one last trip into the mountains. I have some $2000 in savings I was going to transfer electronically to my ex husbands checking account. I basically ruined his life when he was the only person who really loved me. He still is there for me but I feel such awful guilt at the things I've done.

He is taking care of my two dogs for me and he will bear the brunt with them getting older and passing. He lives in a separate town from me because I couldn't find a job there. I get up maybe once a month to see them. And I can't keep them with me where I am renting a room.

I left him all of my life insurance but they won't pay out in cases where people CTB? So my savings are all I can leave him meager as they may be.

I have the Sunday blues and the coffeehouse where I'm writing from is playing that song "suicide is painless". I got my SN ticket.