Well, actually it arrived several weeks ago, but since I've been laid up b/c I got hit by a car, I couldn't pick it up at the mailbox. Finally, my partner picked it up. I convinced him that it was for something else other than for CTB and, being a gullible person that he is, he believed me and handed it over. I do feel guilty about lying to him, but I don't know what else I could have done. I told him not to open the package, stating that it wouldn't be good if our small children got into it. I was concerned for their safety since they are all under the age of six, but I was also worried about his fingerprints getting on the bottle and him possibly getting investigated if I do decide to CTB and the cops found his prints on the bottle. It feels really unreal to have an actual viable suicide method in my house. I just sat there, holding the little four-ounce bottle and thinking "This is really real! I have it now! FINALLY!" I even shook it a little just to hear the powdery sound of it hitting the bottle, but didn't shake it too much. I'm blind, so I rely on my hearing to really make things vivid and real for me. Today, my suicidal urges are really strong. I don't know if it's my bipolar driving me mad or if it's because I know I have an actual method I can use right now if I so choose. I don't have the ant-acid or metoclopromide, so that's what's mainly stopping me. Also, I guess I must admit it, I'm a bit of a chicken shit and the SI is kind of fucking with me, too. To feel more in control of the situation, I did actually start writing suicide notes today, one to one of my aunts, and to my grandma on my mom's side. It felt good, but it was also kind of tiring. I feel good that I have the SN now, but I also really want to CTB a lot more, to and an ant-acid. Well anyway, thanks for reading. Sorry this thread's all on one line. If I don't write it this way, my computer puts my sentences in weird places throughout my posts, making them very hard to read, as I'm sure some of you have discovered. Bye for now, and thanks for always being here. I love all of you, hope that's ok to say that. Cupcake I like Stan's idea about going to the doctor, stating that I have a migraine and need a stronger anti-emetic. I think I'll do that since most sites aren't too accessible with my computer and I just don't have the smarts to navigate Ebay or another place that might sell it. I do have Ondancitron at home, but I read somewhere on here that it's not as effective, so I guess I should try and wait to see if I can get meto.
Cupcake,
I haven't had the opportunity to meet you, but having read your last few posts, about the car injury, I am sure glad you are back at your computer. Which by the way, your computer is writing just fine on the reading end, there is no problem in reading your post. I mostly am responding to this post about your SN being in your hands. I know with everything else you had going on, especially in a hospital, that to have your package "out there" had to be so maddening. I am that way with regular mail, and with a package like that, well I would be a nervous wreck if I could not get to it. I'm glad that issue is now solved for you. Good luck with your doctor and the meto quest.
I haven't had the opportunity to meet you, but having read your last few posts, about the car injury, I am sure glad you are back at your computer. Which by the way, your computer is writing just fine on the reading end, there is no problem in reading your post. I mostly am responding to this post about your SN being in your hands. I know with everything else you had going on, especially in a hospital, that to have your package "out there" had to be so maddening. I am that way with regular mail, and with a package like that, well I would be a nervous wreck if I could not get to it. I'm glad that issue is now solved for you. Good luck with your doctor and the meto quest.
Jean4
Remember. I am ALWAYS right.... until I’m not
- Apr 28, 2019
- 7,557
If you have any questions, we are here for you.
https://sanctioned-suicide.net/threads/stans-guide-to-sn.27535/
Thanks for your replies. I'm glad that my posts don't look messed up and are easy to read. Yeah, it was maddening to know that the SN was in the mailbox but that I couldn't get to it. It was also nerve-wracking because I wasn't sure I'd be able to convince my partner that it wasn't for CTB, especially because he knows I'm suicidal off and on. Mostly on, but he doesn't know that part. Anyway, it was very hard not having it on several days post surgery because, when my body was trying to get used to the metal plate they put inside of my leg, I had constant fevers and I literally couldn't get comfortable for twenty-four hours. I was either too hot or too cold. If I'd had the SN then, I would have taken it, and I honestly don't think I would have had an issue with the survival instinct, that's how bad my suffering was. But, all ended well. I have the SN now, and now need to figure out how to get meto. Thanks for the SN guide to the second member who replied to my post, it really is an informative guide. I really do hope the SN method is peaceful. I'd prefer to take N honestly, but it's too risky to buy, and I've read on here that A might not be legit anymore, so meh on the N method for right now. Well, take care all, and thanks for caring enough to reply. I love all of you and am so grateful for the existance of this community. I hope it never gets shut down like the Reddit SS community did. It would literally break my heart into a thousand irrepairable pieces.
Sorry I'm confused if blind how can read and write on here or is it partial ? I pray u find happiness
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