Venting My slowly dwindling obligation to stay alive for others

[helba]

I want to be free of this crushing obligation to take care of others, to continue existing solely so they can feel okay. I do not want to be here, I am tired of trying to make this not the case.

All my attempts to get better at this point and to hold on have been purely for the sake of staying in their lives so they are not hurt. There is always another birthday, another marriage, another [insert milestone life event] that I shouldn't ruin for others by following what I know is the best plan for me. How many years can I go on like this? Caring so much for others feelings that crushes me? I am barely here. I'm being supported by alcoholism and any other mild substance I can find just to cope.

I've suffered so long, for the majority of my life. I have given everything I could into seeking help, trying to recover with enumerable methods. (I calculated it once, and I could have made a good down payment on a house by now with all the money I put into treatment of various kinds.) For myself, I consider my choice of suicide a great act of self love and compassion. Finally doing so would mean that I would be, at last, listening to myself and taking the best action plan to mitigate my pain.

But a nagging voice continues to interrupt me and torture me, telling me that everyone else's feelings matter more. So many times I feel like everyone else is a stakeholder of my very life, and I have no final say in the matter. And so I oscillate.

I want to honor myself and my decision, without the unwanted guest of unbearable guilt and obligation. I think my deepening exhaustion will win one day. Recently in small, unplanned and surprising moments, I can attain this state of mind for a little. I feel freedom and state of self compassion that is otherwise absent in my life. I just want to carry on with this feeling long enough to finally take my exit.



I don't know if this made much sense. I feel like there are so many other thoughts that I can't seem to form into words. But I just wanted to vent, and scream my poorly formed thoughts into the void.

I'm so grateful for this forum and as always, I'm sending love your way.

 

[freevoid]

I want to be free of this crushing obligation to take care of others, to continue existing solely so they can feel okay. I do not want to be here, I am tired of trying to make this not the case.

All my attempts to get better at this point and to hold on have been purely for the sake of staying in their lives so they are not hurt. There is always another birthday, another marriage, another [insert milestone life event] that I shouldn't ruin for others by following what I know is the best plan for me. How many years can I go on like this? Caring so much for others feelings that crushes me? I am barely here. I'm being supported by alcoholism and any other mild substance I can find just to cope.

I've suffered so long, for the majority of my life. I have given everything I could into seeking help, trying to recover with enumerable methods. (I calculated it once, and I could have made a good down payment on a house by now with all the money I put into treatment of various kinds.) For myself, I consider my choice of suicide a great act of self love and compassion. Finally doing so would mean that I would be, at last, listening to myself and taking the best action plan to mitigate my pain.

But a nagging voice continues to interrupt me and torture me, telling me that everyone else's feelings matter more. So many times I feel like everyone else is a stakeholder of my very life, and I have no final say in the matter. And so I oscillate.

I want to honor myself and my decision, without the unwanted guest of unbearable guilt and obligation. I think my deepening exhaustion will win one day. Recently in small, unplanned and surprising moments, I can attain this state of mind for a little. I feel freedom and state of self compassion that is otherwise absent in my life. I just want to carry on with this feeling long enough to finally take my exit.



I don't know if this made much sense. I feel like there are so many other thoughts that I can't seem to form into words. But I just wanted to vent, and scream my poorly formed thoughts into the void.

I'm so grateful for this forum and as always, I'm sending love your way.

Oh hey, are you me? Lifelong suffering? Draining the majority of your money into treatments that were unfruitful?

I relate to your frustration very much. I was supposed to be going very soon but a wedding has popped up sooner than planned in the family and It's just really too close for my comfort to CTB now. This is after I already waited after the holidays last year. It will be a full year since my original decision to CTB that I'll actually get the chance to do so "comfortably" (if my health takes a worse dive before then everyone can go fuck themselves, I'm outta here). I can't even indulge in alcohol or any other outlets because it flares up my health shit. I am so excruciatingly bored, every single day.

Unfortunately society is so brainwashed against suicide, most people would only understand if they were pushed to the position themselves.

Sounds like you've been hanging around for a really long time. I'm sorry it's been so hard for you. Self-compassion is the correct way to describe it. CTB will be the nicest thing I've done to myself in my entire life.

You're very eloquent, you make perfect sense.

I wish things were different.

 

[iwantdeath6969]

i understand, i also am only alive so that others won't be sad when i go. my family keeps having losses, and there was just another one last week, and i keep telling myself to wait so that i don't make them suffer more. it's getting harder and harder for me to keep waiting, but i would be in a better place than if i continue living

 

[SamTam33]

I'm not hanging around for others but I do worry that if I keep putting it off, something may happen to render me unable to ctb on my own.

There are so many people here who need physical assistance in order to die and I keep having this horrible thought that it could eventually be me if I continue to delay it.

Just like there will always be a reason to die, seems like there will always be a reason not to as well.

It's like a game of mental volleyball.

 

[FuneralCry]

It sounds like a difficult situation that you are in, I know that in my case I could never suffer only for the sake of others as after all I was the one who was so unfairly brought here in the first place so of course I could never be obligated to exist. I also see suicide as being an act of compassion as after all death solves everything and it comforts me thought of being unable to suffer. But it does sound really tiring what you have to endure and it sounds like you have suffered a lot. It's true that existing in this world certainly can be torture.

 

[Dominicka]

I want to be free of this crushing obligation to take care of others, to continue existing solely so they can feel okay. I do not want to be here, I am tired of trying to make this not the case.

All my attempts to get better at this point and to hold on have been purely for the sake of staying in their lives so they are not hurt. There is always another birthday, another marriage, another [insert milestone life event] that I shouldn't ruin for others by following what I know is the best plan for me. How many years can I go on like this? Caring so much for others feelings that crushes me? I am barely here. I'm being supported by alcoholism and any other mild substance I can find just to cope.

I've suffered so long, for the majority of my life. I have given everything I could into seeking help, trying to recover with enumerable methods. (I calculated it once, and I could have made a good down payment on a house by now with all the money I put into treatment of various kinds.) For myself, I consider my choice of suicide a great act of self love and compassion. Finally doing so would mean that I would be, at last, listening to myself and taking the best action plan to mitigate my pain.

But a nagging voice continues to interrupt me and torture me, telling me that everyone else's feelings matter more. So many times I feel like everyone else is a stakeholder of my very life, and I have no final say in the matter. And so I oscillate.

I want to honor myself and my decision, without the unwanted guest of unbearable guilt and obligation. I think my deepening exhaustion will win one day. Recently in small, unplanned and surprising moments, I can attain this state of mind for a little. I feel freedom and state of self compassion that is otherwise absent in my life. I just want to carry on with this feeling long enough to finally take my exit.



I don't know if this made much sense. I feel like there are so many other thoughts that I can't seem to form into words. But I just wanted to vent, and scream my poorly formed thoughts into the void.

I'm so grateful for this forum and as always, I'm sending love your way.

I think lots of people can relate to this, I certainly can. But I've overcome it in time. I'm no longer alive for other humans, I'm alive for my cat who needs me. I go when she goes.