Duochrome-Seahorse
I hope I start rotting in my sleep
- Feb 23, 2023
- 60
I'm not gonna lie, it took me a good minute to understand what she was trying to say to me when she said it, and I honestly think it's the worst thing I've ever heard. Just for context, my sister helped me get a job with her. The job itself isn't the problem, it's just my ass taking a while to adapt socially.
I remember I vented to her about what she said to me a few weeks ago, about how me looking younger will make my coworkers think I'm some stupid child. It's been resolved now, but I kind of don't really forgive her for that, because I still feel like a stupid child sometimes. even though I'm an adult, I don't pay rent, have a car, do work and taxes, etc. So in a way I am a child of some sort. I rely a lot on my family and I don't know how to be an adult because no one had told me how. I don't know how to do any of this and she's made me feel like I'm delayed of some sort. Like how the fuck am I supposed to like the life I live if I have everyone on my ear about how long I'm taking to be an adult? I hate this! I wish I was dead! Literally nothing that they mention makes me want to have an adulthood. It just makes me wish that killing myself was a lot easier. But now everyone in my family knows that I'm suicidal and want me to live out my "fullest potential" after kicking me down for so many years. How in the ever loving FUCK am I supposed to do that?
Like seriously, why does my family expect this from me after kicking me down so much? I don't even have a time and place to cry anymore because "this is adulthood?" Why does being an adult have to have so much unnecessary suffering? Why does my family make it seem like this is a mandatory hell I have to go thru? "ohhh this is just how life is, everyone is cruel and no ones to be trusted, but please stop being a loser and go make actual friends and not the ones you have online" are you fucking with me right now. Most of them were people I actually valued. People I can talk to about anything or be myself around. Being myself around the people I have at work or my everyday life has gotten me fucking BULLIED, looked down on, they come off condescending. It is a RARITY to talk to someone who's like me in some way, and every time I do I cherish that fucking moment.
I think my family really wants the best of me, but only the "me" they perceive me as and want projected from me. I want them to look at me at all my sides, but that will do more harm than good. If they want me to not kill myself, they have to give me the time and space to make me figure this out myself. Personally, I see no reason to live past 25, I want to get everything I want to do out of the way without the thought of future responsibilities I might have. i want these final moments to be the best days I ever had in my life. I still want to kill myself even though they're still helping me, but sometimes their way of helping me is fucking harmful.
I'm going to remember that interaction I had with my sister and it's going to hurt for quite possibly a really long time. It's so paradoxal to me, like how the fuck am I supposed to be an adult if I can't even pay for myself anymore??? Money is the only thing that motivates me in some way because I don't have to wait on getting gifts anymore or getting what I need. it feels impulsive to spend money, but I do stupid things because at the end of the fucking day it doesn't even matter. who the actual fuck cares about my decisions that i choose to do in this life? no one! It affects literally no one! consequences don't even feel like consequences anymore! I am a thrill seeker at heart! I will do whatever I want until I die because everyone has failed me from the start. I might as well have fun with it as the world ends
ok rant over I'm getting tired.
I remember I vented to her about what she said to me a few weeks ago, about how me looking younger will make my coworkers think I'm some stupid child. It's been resolved now, but I kind of don't really forgive her for that, because I still feel like a stupid child sometimes. even though I'm an adult, I don't pay rent, have a car, do work and taxes, etc. So in a way I am a child of some sort. I rely a lot on my family and I don't know how to be an adult because no one had told me how. I don't know how to do any of this and she's made me feel like I'm delayed of some sort. Like how the fuck am I supposed to like the life I live if I have everyone on my ear about how long I'm taking to be an adult? I hate this! I wish I was dead! Literally nothing that they mention makes me want to have an adulthood. It just makes me wish that killing myself was a lot easier. But now everyone in my family knows that I'm suicidal and want me to live out my "fullest potential" after kicking me down for so many years. How in the ever loving FUCK am I supposed to do that?
Like seriously, why does my family expect this from me after kicking me down so much? I don't even have a time and place to cry anymore because "this is adulthood?" Why does being an adult have to have so much unnecessary suffering? Why does my family make it seem like this is a mandatory hell I have to go thru? "ohhh this is just how life is, everyone is cruel and no ones to be trusted, but please stop being a loser and go make actual friends and not the ones you have online" are you fucking with me right now. Most of them were people I actually valued. People I can talk to about anything or be myself around. Being myself around the people I have at work or my everyday life has gotten me fucking BULLIED, looked down on, they come off condescending. It is a RARITY to talk to someone who's like me in some way, and every time I do I cherish that fucking moment.
I think my family really wants the best of me, but only the "me" they perceive me as and want projected from me. I want them to look at me at all my sides, but that will do more harm than good. If they want me to not kill myself, they have to give me the time and space to make me figure this out myself. Personally, I see no reason to live past 25, I want to get everything I want to do out of the way without the thought of future responsibilities I might have. i want these final moments to be the best days I ever had in my life. I still want to kill myself even though they're still helping me, but sometimes their way of helping me is fucking harmful.
I'm going to remember that interaction I had with my sister and it's going to hurt for quite possibly a really long time. It's so paradoxal to me, like how the fuck am I supposed to be an adult if I can't even pay for myself anymore??? Money is the only thing that motivates me in some way because I don't have to wait on getting gifts anymore or getting what I need. it feels impulsive to spend money, but I do stupid things because at the end of the fucking day it doesn't even matter. who the actual fuck cares about my decisions that i choose to do in this life? no one! It affects literally no one! consequences don't even feel like consequences anymore! I am a thrill seeker at heart! I will do whatever I want until I die because everyone has failed me from the start. I might as well have fun with it as the world ends
ok rant over I'm getting tired.
