ijustwishtodie
death will be my ultimate bliss
- Oct 29, 2023
- 4,194
This is just me venting about the events that happened today and how it impacted me. A policewoman arrived to my house today and gave the news that my sister died. This made all of my family members in tears especially my mum who is still crying non stop even hours after the death has been announced. My sister died from a heart attack and, well, I honestly don't feel a damn thing. I tried to pretend to be sad in front of my family members but... I just can't. I simply don't care. Right now I feel like the character douma from demon slayer as I simply am apathetic. It isn't like I feel guilty or bad for not caring either; it's more so that I'm conflicted at why I don't care.
Logically, I shouldn't care because death is inevitable anyway and this was going to happen regardless. However, the world isn't a logical place as it's full of emotions hence I should also be affected by these emotions. In theory, no amount of logic should prevent grief from happening, right? Maybe it's because I see death differently?
What I do know is that a lot of members here would also cry and grieve in the same way my family members did if they heard that their loved ones have died. After all, people here get really sad and emotional when seeing goodbye threads from strangers so they'd probably feel like shit if their loved ones died (though of course I know that not everybody here has loved ones). The one member that I know of who is the exception to this is FC.
Actually, I relate to FC on this matter. My feelings are aligning with what FC would feel. Whilst my sister didn't kill herself and didn't want death, she was suffering a lot in life due to various issues but now she's at peace. She is no longer suffering and that makes me relieved. I actually envy her and wish that it was me with the heart attack instead of her... but I have to pretend otherwise.
I guess my neurotype is just designed like this to make me not care about other people dying in the same way that others do?
Logically, I shouldn't care because death is inevitable anyway and this was going to happen regardless. However, the world isn't a logical place as it's full of emotions hence I should also be affected by these emotions. In theory, no amount of logic should prevent grief from happening, right? Maybe it's because I see death differently?
What I do know is that a lot of members here would also cry and grieve in the same way my family members did if they heard that their loved ones have died. After all, people here get really sad and emotional when seeing goodbye threads from strangers so they'd probably feel like shit if their loved ones died (though of course I know that not everybody here has loved ones). The one member that I know of who is the exception to this is FC.
Actually, I relate to FC on this matter. My feelings are aligning with what FC would feel. Whilst my sister didn't kill herself and didn't want death, she was suffering a lot in life due to various issues but now she's at peace. She is no longer suffering and that makes me relieved. I actually envy her and wish that it was me with the heart attack instead of her... but I have to pretend otherwise.
I guess my neurotype is just designed like this to make me not care about other people dying in the same way that others do?