Story My Significant Other Knows I Want To CTB

[Lotus1818]

This is just a little story for the few people that actually care. I've been with my SO for about 6-7 years now. We have a great healthy relationship and we've been open to eachother all these years. Since I can remember i didnt care if i was alive or dead. These last couple of years and months made my urge to live only go away more.

To give a quick summery
1. I cant see myself working for another 40-50 years. I dont see the purpose in that.
2. I have allot of physical pain which makes working difficult and stressfull.
3. I dont care if im alive of dead and at this moment im more scared of being alive then dead.

I promised her that we would marry next year and that we would go to Japan in Nov next year. And i still wanna do that.
I already ordered my SN and Meto. So i atleast have a ticket for the bus. Its the main reason i want the stuff. Makes me feel sick but also at ease.
This is the only thing i didnt tell her about. But i think shes more accepting by the fact that i wanna kill myself. I made sure to tell her multiple times that its not her fault. It never was.

I have two reasons why i want to marry her. First because i love her very much but i also dont want my parents to inherit my house. If im gonna be gone. I atleast want her to own my house. She can sell it for atleast a 50k profit or just keep it. Atleast i know she wont go hungry if i would be gone.

I know this topic might be a bit strange here because allot of us are lonely so you might not like this thread.

Thank you for reading

 

[sleepy dog]

This is just a little story for the few people that actually care. I've been with my SO for about 6-7 years now. We have a great healthy relationship and we've been open to eachother all these years. Since I can remember i didnt care if i was alive or dead. These last couple of years and months made my urge to live only go away more.

To give a quick summery
1. I cant see myself working for another 40-50 years. I dont see the purpose in that.
2. I have allot of physical pain which makes working difficult and stressfull.
3. I dont care if im alive of dead and at this moment im more scared of being alive then dead.

I promised her that we would marry next year and that we would go to Japan in Nov next year. And i still wanna do that.
I already ordered my SN and Meto. So i atleast have a ticket for the bus. Its the main reason i want the stuff. Makes me feel sick but also at ease.
This is the only thing i didnt tell her about. But i think shes more accepting by the fact that i wanna kill myself. I made sure to tell her multiple times that its not her fault. It never was.

I have two reasons why i want to marry her. First because i love her very much but i also dont want my parents to inherit my house. If im gonna be gone. I atleast want her to own my house. She can sell it for atleast a 50k profit or just keep it. Atleast i know she wont go hungry if i would be gone.

I know this topic might be a bit strange here because allot of us are lonely so you might not like this thread.

Thank you for reading

You don't have to marry somebody for them to inherit the house.

 

[Neverod]

Damn, that sounds like you truly love your S/O a lot, bearing the fear of being alive just enough to marry and go to Japan to create good memories. A kind act by you.

 

[Lotus1818]

Damn, that sounds like you truly love your S/O a lot, bearing the fear of being alive just enough to marry and go to Japan to create good memories. A kind act by you.

Thank you never do your words made me cry but in a good way. Good luck with today I believe in you

 

[lymbo]

dld you try meds for the payn?

 

[Lotus1818]

dld you try meds for the payn?

Yeah I have various painkillers. They work but I can't really see why anyone would want to hold on to life if they have to live with pain there whole life

 

[lymbo]

Yeah I have various painkillers. They work but I can't really see why anyone would want to hold on to life if they have to live with pain there whole life

lm ln cronyc payn too

 

[Nem]

Few people that actually care? I think a lot of people care here, maybe not all but it's a healthy amount. I would just get a will made up and have her as the beneficiary, getting married when you are planning on ctb is not logical and there is no future so it just doesn't make sense.
peace/hugs

 

[Lotus1818]

Few people that actually care? I think a lot of people care here, maybe not all but it's a healthy amount. I would just get a will made up and have her as the beneficiary, getting married when you are planning on ctb is not logical and there is no future so it just doesn't make sense.
peace/hugs

I have my reasons why I want marry. I know it doesn't make sense too people

 

[SelfHatingAspie]

I can see why you want to marry your SO. She sounds incredibly understanding, especially about the ctb part.

The obligations you mentioned ... very relatable. It also sounds like you want/need to get these items ticked off your to-list before you feel comfortable enough to ctb. Also, by being honest with your SO (and yourself) that you won't be getting old together, she can better prepare herself for when the day finally arrives.

If anyone wants to know what rational suicide and pro-choice looks like, this is it.

 

[Sdj]

I'm 100 percent honest with my fiance too. I came down with a bizarre, undiagnosable nervous system disorder effecting every part of my body and brain. The last two years have been hell, but we had an amazing 5 years together before that. I picked her up essentially hitchhiking in New Zealand. In the years after, we travelled the world, lived on boats, opened and ran the first jazz bar in East Timor, bought drugs in Colombian ghettos, slept under bridges,toured with friends bands throughout Europe, taught ourselves to program and design apps while on the road and ended up with 250k a year salary between us. We decided to settle back in my home of Vancouver and almost immediately, whatever happened to me, happened to me. I'm now so fucked up, have seen every doctor, have permanent fire alarm level tinnitus, incredible hearing sensitivity, visual snow, focusing issues, double vision, floaters all over my eyes, burning nerve pain, insomnia, anxiety, depression, joint stiffness and pain. Nobody has any idea what's wrong with me, and I've made it clear to my lady that I'd give it two years.

It's been two years as of early this month. I'm going to make it through the holidays. I already have my SN, benzos, ranitidine, etc, and shes fully aware. All I want to do is make sure shes taken care of as much as possible. I wish I could leave her with more but I've been unable to work and spent 200k trying to figure out my problem... so I'll only be leaving her with about 30k, and shes broke. I want her to continue our travels and know I'll always be with her. Shes taking it very hard, as am I, so I understand your situation.

I think ctb is easier when you have no close loved ones. Both my parents were dead before I was 22 and I loved them both and they loved me. But being in a relationship is a much harder thing to leave behind. In a lot of ways I feel like I've wasted my fiances time. Shes now 36 and has to start all over, and has said she wishes for a short life after I am gone, and that she will never get over it. It breaks my heart. I dont know what to do about it. I want her to continue living our crazy lives for the both of us, and go meet someone amazing, and fall in love all over again.

 

[Lotus1818]

I'm 100 percent honest with my fiance too. I came down with a bizarre, undiagnosable nervous system disorder effecting every part of my body and brain. The last two years have been hell, but we had an amazing 5 years together before that. I picked her up essentially hitchhiking in New Zealand. In the years after, we travelled the world, lived on boats, opened and ran the first jazz bar in East Timor, bought drugs in Colombian ghettos, slept under bridges,toured with friends bands throughout Europe, taught ourselves to program and design apps while on the road and ended up with 250k a year salary between us. We decided to settle back in my home of Vancouver and almost immediately, whatever happened to me, happened to me. I'm now so fucked up, have seen every doctor, have permanent fire alarm level tinnitus, incredible hearing sensitivity, visual snow, focusing issues, double vision, floaters all over my eyes, burning nerve pain, insomnia, anxiety, depression, joint stiffness and pain. Nobody has any idea what's wrong with me, and I've made it clear to my lady that I'd give it two years.

It's been two years as of early this month. I'm going to make it through the holidays. I already have my SN, benzos, ranitidine, etc, and shes fully aware. All I want to do is make sure shes taken care of as much as possible. I wish I could leave her with more but I've been unable to work and spent 200k trying to figure out my problem... so I'll only be leaving her with about 30k, and shes broke. I want her to continue our travels and know I'll always be with her. Shes taking it very hard, as am I, so I understand your situation.

I think ctb is easier when you have no close loved ones. Both my parents were dead before I was 22 and I loved them both and they loved me. But being in a relationship is a much harder thing to leave behind. In a lot of ways I feel like I've wasted my fiances time. Shes now 36 and has to start all over, and has said she wishes for a short life after I am gone, and that she will never get over it. It breaks my heart. I dont know what to do about it. I want her to continue living our crazy lives for the both of us, and go meet someone amazing, and fall in love all over again.

What a tragic but also loving story. Good luck my friend. I understand you completely and I'm so happy that you found someone that is so understanding. Atleast you experienced allot of great things.

 

[Sdj]

Thank you very much. I wish you the best of luck with your situation as well. If there can be anything done about your physical pain, I'd recommend to try it and see if you can get a quality of life you can accept. Everyone has to work though, can't avoid that one...hahah

 

[Sweet emotion]

Yeah I have various painkillers. They work but I can't really see why anyone would want to hold on to life if they have to live with pain there whole life

I couldn't agree more. I have Complex regional pain syndrome. Idk if you have ever heard of that but it's known as the suicide disease. I'm sorry you're in so much physical pain. No one knows the toll it takes on us. Not only do we have physical pain but that physical pain leads to so many mental issues.

 

[Lotus1818]

I've decided to not CTB for atleast a year. I want to see next year in August if my life is any better. I'm still afraid everyday of life. I'm scared of work and especially my boss. He's almost ruling my life at this point. I wish I wasn't so afraid of him

I think I'm gonna recieve my SN next week and I'll just keep it as long as possible.

 

[lymbo]

I've decided to not CTB for atleast a year. I want to see next year in August if my life is any better. I'm still afraid everyday of life. I'm scared of work and especially my boss. He's almost ruling my life at this point. I wish I wasn't so afraid of him

I think I'm gonna recieve my SN next week and I'll just keep it as long as possible.

YOU STYLL HAVE PAYN ?

 

[Lotus1818]

YOU STYLL HAVE PAYN ?

Yeah ofc man. But I just have to hold out for a while for my significant others sake.

 

[lymbo]

I've decided to not CTB for atleast a year. I want to see next year in August if my life is any better. I'm still afraid everyday of life. I'm scared of work and especially my boss. He's almost ruling my life at this point. I wish I wasn't so afraid of him

I think I'm gonna recieve my SN next week and I'll just keep it as long as possible.

Why dont you just change jobs yf your boss ys such an ass

 

[Lotus1818]

Why dont you just change jobs yf your boss ys such an ass

For some reason I see no other place I could work then at my current company. Plus I guess I don't want to bother changing jobs. I don't see the reason for it. Im probably not gonna like my new job anyway and I think life is pointless in general. So why take effort in trying another job

 

[lymbo]

For some reason I see no other place I could work then at my current company. Plus I guess I don't want to bother changing jobs. I don't see the reason for it. Im probably not gonna like my new job anyway and I think life is pointless in general. So why take effort in trying another job

l dont know how byg ys the company you work for . but thys boss does he have people above hym that u can complyn to, why ys he so upset wyth u?

 

[Francois]

Sorry to hear guys.
I am also living with chronic pain.
I use Tramadol every day and it definitely play a role in improving my quality of life.

 

[lymbo]

Sorry to hear guys.
I am also living with chronic pain.
I use Tramadol every day and it definitely play a role in improving my quality of life.

they put me on tremadol recently but l have a feelyng they prescrybed too small mg per day. how much tremadol they put you on , what payn u have?

 

[Francois]

they put me on tremadol recently but l have a feelyng they prescrybed too small mg per day. how much tremadol they put you on , what payn u have?

I have fibromyalgia. I inherited the HLA-B27 genes from my mom.
The pain I have is all over my body, its in my shoulders, elbows, neck, hands, back, hips. Its horrible but Tramadol really helps me.
I use 6 capsules of 50 mg a day, so all in all 300 mg but I know some people use up to 400 mg a day.
For extra pain relieve I also take Oxazepam.

This is all powerful medication and I am not an expert and its crucial to see a specialist before you embark on this.

 

[Lotus1818]

I have fibromyalgia. I inherited the HLA-B27 genes from my mom.
The pain I have is all over my body, its in my shoulders, elbows, neck, hands, back, hips. Its horrible but Tramadol really helps me.
I use 6 capsules of 50 mg a day, so all in all 300 mg but I know some people use up to 400 mg a day.
For extra pain relieve I also take Oxazepam.

This is all powerful medication and I am not an expert and its crucial to see a specialist before you embark on this.

Does the tramedol make you happy and energetic? It does for me. But for my so it makes her very tired

 

[Francois]

Does the tramedol make you happy and energetic? It does for me. But for my so it makes her very tired

It definitely help lift my spirits and I do feel more energetic.
Its really sad that they don't consider Tramadol as an anti-depressant. (I did some forum searches and it seems for a lot of people it helps lift their spirits. )
It does not have a lot of side effects for me at least. It does not make me sleepy or lethargic.
They only side effects I get from it is it lift my blood pressure a bit and it make you itch if you take 300 mg.
So I take a beta blocker with it to relax my heart.

 

[MissNietzsche]

If you marry her just to kys, you're selfish. Paying her off $50K isn't worth it. Please spare her the trouble and break up with her if you truly think you will die

 

[Lotus1818]

If you marry her just to kys, you're selfish. Paying her off $50K isn't worth it. Please spare her the trouble and break up with her if you truly think you will die

What are you talking about. I have my reasons to die. And I want to leave her with as much money as possible. How dare you say something like that

 

[MissNietzsche]

What are you talking about. I have my reasons to die. And I want to leave her with as much money as possible. How dare you say something like that

I'm not saying suicide is selfish, I'm saying marrying her with the intentions of ctb is selfish.

Being a widow is much worse than your ex fiancé dying.

You can give her money without marrying her.

 

[Lotus1818]

I'm not saying suicide is selfish, I'm saying marrying her with the intentions of ctb is selfish.

Being a widow is much worse than your ex fiancé dying.

You can give her money without marrying her.

You really can't in an easy way. You have no idea how a will works in my country. I am not marrying her so she can just get my house. I'm marrying her because she's my soulmate and she deserves my house.

 

[MissNietzsche]

Out of curiosity, does she know your exact timeline? Like that you're planning on ctb'ing shortly after the marriage?