-nobodyknows-
I will face my fate.
- Jun 16, 2024
- 599
In the end, when I am dead and buried, I wonder if they will understand. Those people that knew that I struggled with suicidal feelings in the past… will they be able to understand why I chose to lie to them? Why I chose to put on a brave face, and act as if everything was okay? Why I decided to pursue things that I knew I would never finish?
I am certain that they will hate me for this. Truly, doing this is probably one of the most vile things I could do to the people who care about me. I am simply stringing them along, giving them the expectation that I worked through things, when in reality, I know that cord is about to snap.
What a twisted person I am. What a cruel person I am. What kind of monster would do such a thing to the people who matter most to them? To give them hope, only to then tear it away. Pretending to recover… it really is the most evil thing I have ever done.
Why would I do such a thing? The answer is, frankly, not a good one. I envied the lives that others had. I wanted it. I craved it. I wanted friends. I wanted a purpose. I wanted to be loved by someone. I wanted to live a meaningful life. I refused to accept the hand I was dealt. I refused to shy away from the light. It was just too beautiful, too tempting. I could not bear to live my life without such things, even if doing so would have allowed me to survive.
And yet, despite knowing how this will end, I continue down this path to my inevitable destruction. I know I won't survive. I know the pain I will cause. But I can't stop. I don't want to stop. I want to live, even if only for a moment. I don't want to see anyone look at me the way they did when they found out that I had tried to kill myself ever again. Even though I know that I will inevitably cause them to one day feel something so much worse.
I am chasing the normal life that I was never meant to have. I know that pursuing it will kill me. I can feel it. Every day, the cracks grow. I will soon shatter. And yet, even so, I won't turn back. I will not allow myself to wither away, completely cut off from the beautiful world I love so much. I would rather die.
So even if you hate me, even if you despise me, I cannot stop. I love you too much for that. I want to remain among you until I shatter completely. I cannot be honest with you, because if I were, you would not be able to stand it. I have seen what my honesty has done to the people I care about. I will not allow it to hurt you. And so I will lie. I will lie for as long as I can.
And when everything falls apart, when I cause you to feel a pain far worse than my words have caused you, I know you will not forgive me. I know you will hate me. And that's okay. In fact, that's probably the best thing for you to do.
However, there is one thing I hope you do realize: I do not want that to happen. I am hoping for something that one could only describe as a miracle. Something so powerful, so life-changing, that it would allow me to live. Even now, I keep watch for it. And, I promise you, I will do so until that very last moment, until I reach the point that I can no longer hold back my despair.
And so, I shall put on a small smile, and wait.
I am certain that they will hate me for this. Truly, doing this is probably one of the most vile things I could do to the people who care about me. I am simply stringing them along, giving them the expectation that I worked through things, when in reality, I know that cord is about to snap.
What a twisted person I am. What a cruel person I am. What kind of monster would do such a thing to the people who matter most to them? To give them hope, only to then tear it away. Pretending to recover… it really is the most evil thing I have ever done.
Why would I do such a thing? The answer is, frankly, not a good one. I envied the lives that others had. I wanted it. I craved it. I wanted friends. I wanted a purpose. I wanted to be loved by someone. I wanted to live a meaningful life. I refused to accept the hand I was dealt. I refused to shy away from the light. It was just too beautiful, too tempting. I could not bear to live my life without such things, even if doing so would have allowed me to survive.
And yet, despite knowing how this will end, I continue down this path to my inevitable destruction. I know I won't survive. I know the pain I will cause. But I can't stop. I don't want to stop. I want to live, even if only for a moment. I don't want to see anyone look at me the way they did when they found out that I had tried to kill myself ever again. Even though I know that I will inevitably cause them to one day feel something so much worse.
I am chasing the normal life that I was never meant to have. I know that pursuing it will kill me. I can feel it. Every day, the cracks grow. I will soon shatter. And yet, even so, I won't turn back. I will not allow myself to wither away, completely cut off from the beautiful world I love so much. I would rather die.
So even if you hate me, even if you despise me, I cannot stop. I love you too much for that. I want to remain among you until I shatter completely. I cannot be honest with you, because if I were, you would not be able to stand it. I have seen what my honesty has done to the people I care about. I will not allow it to hurt you. And so I will lie. I will lie for as long as I can.
And when everything falls apart, when I cause you to feel a pain far worse than my words have caused you, I know you will not forgive me. I know you will hate me. And that's okay. In fact, that's probably the best thing for you to do.
However, there is one thing I hope you do realize: I do not want that to happen. I am hoping for something that one could only describe as a miracle. Something so powerful, so life-changing, that it would allow me to live. Even now, I keep watch for it. And, I promise you, I will do so until that very last moment, until I reach the point that I can no longer hold back my despair.
And so, I shall put on a small smile, and wait.
