Help My self-hatred has gone delusional and causing bad coping mechanisms.

[Namelesa]

kinda a sequel to this thread. Want to make a new one cus of how concerning it is now and so what to know more advice on this with newly added info about my behavior and thinking and what it has caused.

How can I actually improve as a person without feeling intense guilt for past actions or paranoia about my future actions?

One of the big things causing my suffering and my want to die is that when I make a mistake, no matter how small or big it is, I feel really really intense guilt and shame that overwhelms and consumes me. I feel worthless and hate myself for past actions and being paranoid and very anxious about...

sanctioned-suicide.net

Basically whenever I made a mistake, whether it was little or big or imagined, I would beg the person/people I made the mistake to, to hate me and hurt me back as I felt like I needed punishment to improve as a person. I feel like I need to inflict trauma onto myself for me as to make it more memorable to me to better learn from mistakes. I also felt like if I made an mistake no one should like me in that moment and so would get something out of hurting me for my actions. However people can confuse this begging as an invitation or a way to guilt them to give me sympathy and comfort which wasn't at all my intention when doing this which can mirror abuser behavior. I genuinely wasn't trying to abuse people with this behavior as I thought I was benefiting them by asking them to put their frustrations into me and making me improve but I realize I am wrong now with my thinking now with something that has happened recently.

its unintentionally caused pain onto others to the point where they don't want me anymore cus of this behavior and thinking leading me to say about killing myself in an agrument cus I fully thought I deserved it and people would agree with me. In this I was arguing for that I was unremarkable which was caused by a misunderstanding of with something someone said. I didn't listen to clarifications they gave me cus I fully believed I am to be hated and so their clarifications had to be a lies to me. I am clearly deluded for thinking this and need to change this now cus of what has happened. I know definitely not to beg for hate form others as that often got misunderstood and was annoying to people that didn't want to give me punishment. I should probably trust others more as well as to not let something like that happen again when I do something wrong and actually see the effect my supposedly bad action had on the person and what they think of me by asking just for reassurance.

However I still want to compulsorily hate myself and punish myself on my own as this self-hatred has become a maladaptive coping mechanism where I need to hate myself to feel comfort in knowing I don't repeat mistakes. Obviously this does hurt me more and some people don't want that so I really need to change this but not hating myself feels so scary. I am so paranoid of doing things wrong and feel the need to think everything now to not cause any issues. I am so terrified that if I am comfortable with myself, I will hurt others. Any choice of thinking I feel like I either hurting myself or risking others in more pain.

So yea, what's your opinions on me and my behavior?

 

[derpyderpins]

kinda a sequel to this thread. Want to make a new one cus of how concerning it is now and so what to know more advice on this with newly added info about my behavior and thinking and what it has caused.

How can I actually improve as a person without feeling intense guilt for past actions or paranoia about my future actions?

One of the big things causing my suffering and my want to die is that when I make a mistake, no matter how small or big it is, I feel really really intense guilt and shame that overwhelms and consumes me. I feel worthless and hate myself for past actions and being paranoid and very anxious about...

sanctioned-suicide.net

We had a back and forth in that thread, so I hope you don't mind me giving input again.

Basically whenever I made a mistake, whether it was little or big or imagined, I would beg the person/people I made the mistake to, to hate me and hurt me back as I felt like I needed punishment to improve as a person. I feel like I need to inflict trauma onto myself for me as to make it more memorable to me to better learn from mistakes. I also felt like if I made an mistake no one should like me in that moment and so would get something out of hurting me for my actions. However people can confuse this begging as an invitation or a way to guilt them to give me sympathy and comfort which wasn't at all my intention when doing this which can mirror abuser behavior. I genuinely wasn't trying to abuse people with this behavior as I thought I was benefiting them by asking them to put their frustrations into me and making me improve but I realize I am wrong now with my thinking now with something that has happened recently.

its unintentionally caused pain onto others to the point where they don't want me anymore cus of this behavior and thinking leading me to say about killing myself in an agrument cus I fully thought I deserved it and people would agree with me. In this I was arguing for that I was unremarkable which was caused by a misunderstanding of with something someone said. I didn't listen to clarifications they gave me cus I fully believed I am to be hated and so their clarifications had to be a lies to me. I am clearly deluded for thinking this and need to change this now cus of what has happened. I know definitely not to beg for hate form others as that often got misunderstood and was annoying to people that didn't want to give me punishment. I should probably trust others more as well as to not let something like that happen again when I do something wrong and actually see the effect my supposedly bad action had on the person and what they think of me by asking just for reassurance.

However I still want to compulsorily hate myself and punish myself on my own as this self-hatred has become a maladaptive coping mechanism where I need to hate myself to feel comfort in knowing I don't repeat mistakes. Obviously this does hurt me more and some people don't want that so I really need to change this but not hating myself feels so scary. I am so paranoid of doing things wrong and feel the need to think everything now to not cause any issues. I am so terrified that if I am comfortable with myself, I will hurt others. Any choice of thinking I feel like I either hurting myself or risking others in more pain.

So yea, what's your opinions on me and my behavior?

There's a lot here, right? Sounds like a stressful situation to say the least, with layers to unpack.

• You make a mistake
• You beg for punishment, to "improve as a person", as a corrective measure
• Also, you think that person should take pleasure in punishing you

Let's pause here. This word, like in your last post, "mistake," is at odds with punishment or purposefully inflicted trauma as corrective retribution.

A mistake is an action, decision, or judgment that produces an unwanted or unintentional result. The lack of intention is key. In law we call it mens rea because we're assholes who need codewords to confuse people, but whether you meant to hurt someone matters a lot.

And of course, you aren't talking about a crime. You're talking about a day-to-day social interaction (presumably). Household tasks, meetings, social rules. (I'm guessing). Broke a lamp, forgot we were meeting, brought up a subject I shouldn't have, forgot to close the garage door, left something on the floor and someone stubbed their toe. I'm guessing we're in that category and severity, is that about right?

Since these don't break laws, they fall under social rules we've come up with, but don't write down. Even if there's a very bad unforeseen consequence (eg, the person doesn't just stub their toe, they trip and break a bone), we've largely decided that when there is no ill-intent, such things don't even rise to the level of being a wrong committed against someone else.

That's all pedantic, but it's necessary foundation for this next part:

• People get confused when you ask for punishment for these things
• They've speculated that you actually seeking attention in this way
• Being pressured to hurt you, when they didn't want to, caused them distress

I relate to this. There was a time where I brought up killing myself and while I didn't direct it as a threat, that was the ultimate message. It is abusive, in a way. And, if I'm being honest, it was somewhat about attention.

Their distress, their confusion, is reasonable, and I think you need to try and understand why rather than just accepting it as a truth for unknown reason. That link with the definition of "mistake" gives some examples of its use:

• "I'm not blaming you - we all make mistakes."
• "It was just a silly mistake - no need to apologize."

Those are defined examples of reactions when someone makes a mistake: don't blame them, acknowledge that we all make mistakes, tell them there is no need to apologize. So, your friends began following this standard procedure, and you went to the infliction of trauma and suicide, two things considered extreme in a situation considered benign.

This is going to be some tough love, but as I said it's a lesson I've had to learn, too. Your friends were then put in a situation where they asked themselves: 'why is this person behaving in a way that is radically outside the normally expected reaction in this benign situation?' The answer to this question is often that the person wants attention. I'm not saying you were, just that they have reason to suspect it.

Now, it is okay to want attention. We're all human. We need to be loved. When we resort to not great ways to get it, that's because there is a need somewhere that is really not being met, like how when you're hungry enough you may eat food that's gone bad or something.

I think it's great that you really don't want to harm others and are trying to learn from - wait for it - mistakes. I go through every detail of your post partially because I'm autistic and have no self-control and partially because you expressed confusion, and as silly as it may be to examine the definitions of words, I find it can help when "normal" isn't making sense.

We're almost done, but I think the last things you said are super important. That you want to punish yourself as a "maladaptive coping mechanism" combined with your earlier statement that you really think you deserve this treatment.

As far as deserving hate and bad treatment, this is also something I've had to learn, but - honestly - we're probably neither special enough to deserve hate, lol. There are really especially bad people who do actually gruesome and awful things, and then most of us - even if clumsy or mistake-prone or mildly annoying - are just somewhere in the range of average. Yes, if you form relationships with others, you will both hurt each other, at least a tiny bit, at some point. That's normal, though. It was wrong for me to throw the idea of suicide out there to someone who cared about me and - even if it wasn't my exact intention - using it to influence them. I hurt them. I can say, though, I don't deserve hatred for it. I felt remorse and tried to correct, I can now accept that I deserve forgiveness. Try saying that about yourself. It's true.

But I think it's great that you acknowledge it as a coping mechanism. The fact that you want the punishment shows that it's not about correcting your bad behavior like training a lab rat. It's a form of self-harm. Emotional self-harm. In that way, unintentionally, by asking others to partake, it's like you asking them to partake in your self-harm.

That's just my long-winded take.

 

[anonymouswebuser]

kinda a sequel to this thread. Want to make a new one cus of how concerning it is now and so what to know more advice on this with newly added info about my behavior and thinking and what it has caused.

How can I actually improve as a person without feeling intense guilt for past actions or paranoia about my future actions?

One of the big things causing my suffering and my want to die is that when I make a mistake, no matter how small or big it is, I feel really really intense guilt and shame that overwhelms and consumes me. I feel worthless and hate myself for past actions and being paranoid and very anxious about...

sanctioned-suicide.net

Basically whenever I made a mistake, whether it was little or big or imagined, I would beg the person/people I made the mistake to, to hate me and hurt me back as I felt like I needed punishment to improve as a person. I feel like I need to inflict trauma onto myself for me as to make it more memorable to me to better learn from mistakes. I also felt like if I made an mistake no one should like me in that moment and so would get something out of hurting me for my actions. However people can confuse this begging as an invitation or a way to guilt them to give me sympathy and comfort which wasn't at all my intention when doing this which can mirror abuser behavior. I genuinely wasn't trying to abuse people with this behavior as I thought I was benefiting them by asking them to put their frustrations into me and making me improve but I realize I am wrong now with my thinking now with something that has happened recently.

its unintentionally caused pain onto others to the point where they don't want me anymore cus of this behavior and thinking leading me to say about killing myself in an agrument cus I fully thought I deserved it and people would agree with me. In this I was arguing for that I was unremarkable which was caused by a misunderstanding of with something someone said. I didn't listen to clarifications they gave me cus I fully believed I am to be hated and so their clarifications had to be a lies to me. I am clearly deluded for thinking this and need to change this now cus of what has happened. I know definitely not to beg for hate form others as that often got misunderstood and was annoying to people that didn't want to give me punishment. I should probably trust others more as well as to not let something like that happen again when I do something wrong and actually see the effect my supposedly bad action had on the person and what they think of me by asking just for reassurance.

However I still want to compulsorily hate myself and punish myself on my own as this self-hatred has become a maladaptive coping mechanism where I need to hate myself to feel comfort in knowing I don't repeat mistakes. Obviously this does hurt me more and some people don't want that so I really need to change this but not hating myself feels so scary. I am so paranoid of doing things wrong and feel the need to think everything now to not cause any issues. I am so terrified that if I am comfortable with myself, I will hurt others. Any choice of thinking I feel like I either hurting myself or risking others in more pain.

So yea, what's your opinions on me and my behavior?

you've put a lot of thought into your behavior and its impact both on yourself and others and that level of self-reflection is not easy. what you've described shows a history of trying to hold yourself accountable but in a way that has spiraled into self-destruction and unintentional harm to others. that's important to acknowledge not to shame you but to help you separate intent from impact

what you've been doing —begging for hate, inviting punishment, and contemplating suicide as a form of accountability— isn't justice it's trauma reenactment. you're trying to process guilt by turning yourself into a scapegoat. it feels like it's about fairness, but it's actually about survival specifically surviving a world where you've internalized the idea that mistakes mean you lose love, safety, or worth

here's a little truth:
punishment doesn't always equal growth when it's consistent, damaging your life and without a little time to think about your mistake and how to hold accountability in another way, it just reinforces fear and the desire to never commit a mistake ever again (which is impossible)


what you're doing is trying to self-regulate in the only way you currently trust (through pain) you equate suffering with learning, and that's understandable if somewhere along the way you were taught that love or value is conditional on being flawless or on self-sacrifice but this pattern of hyper-accountability is not sustainable, not fair to yourself and not effective in the long run
the people around you aren't looking for a martyr, they want connection

and as for your fear of being comfortable with yourself when you've associated comfort with danger—when confidence feels like the first step toward slipping up—it's hard to imagine self-trust not ending in regret but comfort and complacency aren't the same thing you can accept yourself without excusing harmful behavior
also i'm sure if someone you care about was in your place you wouldn't really want them hurting themselves over all mistakes like this but instead try to connect and find a solution another way


and a final perspective:
you're not irredeemable. you're not evil. you're someone trying (too hard perhaps) to never do harm. but ironically in trying to never hurt anyone again you're hurting yourself and driving people away. that means the solution isn't doubling down on self-punishment it's learning to trust your ability to repair and to grow without violence (internal or external)