Venting My s/o really thinks I can just be fixed

[Moon Flower]

He thinks that just because I smile sometimes it means I can still feel happiness, and if I can still feel happiness he just needs to make it frequent enough to outweigh any pain or trauma. As if it were so simple. I have c-ptsd, major depression, and have planned to ctb for at least 10 years now. His naivete is both sweet and frustrating. He's trying his best but his lack of genuine understanding is very alienating and only makes me want to ctb more, and I still fully intend to do so. He's pretty much stuck to me since he found out what I was gonna do on the 7th though. He even keeps his phone on him at work and if I don't respond to texts he makes his mom check on me. At this rate I may never have the chance again.

 

[FTL.Wanderer]

I can relate. I don't have a partner, but people who care about us can be frustratingly difficult to talk to about what we're going through. They can perceive it as a threat to what matters to them. Other than other people who're suicidal at the moment, I've never, ever found others to really listen if I'm being honest. It's like a switch flips in their minds and turns off the audio to what we're actually saying. And you're absolutely right: "[their] lack of genuine understanding is very alienating and only makes [you] want to ctb more." Guess this is why a lot of us keep coming back here. It's nearly the only place we can be honest about being in pain AND being suicidal. :(

 

[Sweet emotion]

No one realises how easy it is to out on a fake smile. That's what I do when I go to pain management. I want to scream to the doctors that they need to find help for my condition because people who have it are offing themselves left and right. My doctor keeps saying.... Audriana, when you're in your 80s.....and I want to punch him in the throat. When I'm in my 80s?!?! I've had Complex regional pain syndrome which is the highest ranking pain condition in medical history, for over 14 years now! Since I was 20! Which is a very young age to get it. No one understands my case because everyone who has it is married with kids and all that. I never found out what love feels like. I've never had a career or travelled and did what j wants with my life. But these people have. I want to scream to the doctor...do you know ow I've been saving pills to that I can kill myself? Are you that stupid to think that I'd want to live in misery and isolation until I die naturally?!?! What do you think I do all day? Watch TV and eat bon boobs?!? No I cater to this damn disease. I fight depression and the worst physical pain you can imagine! So yes it's very easy to put on a disguise. And yes sometimes I do smile at things and I'll laugh but that is just a momentary thing. It doesn't mean there is hope for me or that Im getting better.

Wow planning your suicide for ten years! That's a long time. It's so unfortunate because you've probably spent so much time thinking about dying that you haven't lived. I truly wish you peace.

 

[SoupSnakes]

I think it's very easy to see it from their side though. This is someone who loves you unconditionally (whether that be partner, family, whomever), so what your SO is saying, they're probably hoping is the truth. He obviously loves you very much and doesn't want anything to happen to you so in his mind, what he is doing is just taking care of you.

I know it can feel very alienating (I have a family who do the exact same when I don't text back after 3 seconds) but have you told him that? I had a serious sit down chat with my family and said it was suffocating and not helping, they backed off enough for me not to feel that way.

I don't think anyone who doesn't feel they want to CTB can ever understand how we feel on a daily basis, as much as they try and understand. But unfortunately that's the role of a loved one; to love. I can't imagine you'll get away from the situation but definitely worth a really good chat about it.

 

[snowman626]

No one realises how easy it is to out on a fake smile. That's what I do when I go to pain management. I want to scream to the doctors that they need to find help for my condition because people who have it are offing themselves left and right. My doctor keeps saying.... Audriana, when you're in your 80s.....and I want to punch him in the throat. When I'm in my 80s?!?! I've had Complex regional pain syndrome which is the highest ranking pain condition in medical history, for over 14 years now! Since I was 20! Which is a very young age to get it. No one understands my case because everyone who has it is married with kids and all that. I never found out what love feels like. I've never had a career or travelled and did what j wants with my life. But these people have. I want to scream to the doctor...do you know ow I've been saving pills to that I can kill myself? Are you that stupid to think that I'd want to live in misery and isolation until I die naturally?!?! What do you think I do all day? Watch TV and eat bon boobs?!? No I cater to this damn disease. I fight depression and the worst physical pain you can imagine! So yes it's very easy to put on a disguise. And yes sometimes I do smile at things and I'll laugh but that is just a momentary thing. It doesn't mean there is hope for me or that Im getting better.

Wow planning your suicide for ten years! That's a long time. It's so unfortunate because you've probably spent so much time thinking about dying that you haven't lived. I truly wish you peace.

I hate it when ppl say this "when youre 80" bullshit like hell im gonna stick around tilll then!! My mother says this all the time and i constantly tell her im gonna ctb before then and shes like " whyy? You should just be happy"

 

[Return2Dust]

I hate it when ppl say this "when youre 80" bullshit like hell im gonna stick around tilll then!! My mother says this all the time and i constantly tell her im gonna ctb before then and shes like " whyy? You should just be happy"

Just be happy, you have so much to be grateful for, other people have it worse. Blah, blah, blah. My favorite - have you thought about taking up a hobby?

 

[SoupSnakes]

Just be happy, you have so much to be grateful for, other people have it worse. Blah, blah, blah. My favorite - have you thought about taking up a hobby?

Gosh, yeah.. PAINTING! Why didn't I think of something like that? That'll fix me!

 

[WhiteDespair]

At least you have a SO to stand by your side. Many people don't have that.

Gosh, yeah.. PAINTING! Why didn't I think of something like that? That'll fix me!

Did you try watercolors?

 

[SoupSnakes]

At least you have a SO to stand by your side. Many people don't have that.


Did you try watercolors?

Damn, I think that's where I've been going wrong.

 

[WhiteDespair]

Damn, I think that's where I've been going wrong.

They don't tell you that. You have to learn that on the inside.

 

[snowman626]

Just be happy, you have so much to be grateful for, other people have it worse. Blah, blah, blah. My favorite - have you thought about taking up a hobby?

Or "maybe if u smile more you'll be happier".. oh the anger that gives me