Hello, everyone. This will be a long read and some parts could be a bit weird since I cannot think coherently right now. I was on a break from the site as I was overwhelmed with emotions at that time. I have gone through a reflective period and now I am even more determined to end it all. I really wanted to do this by seaside, but I do not think that I can arrange that now. I am currently living with my sister, one of the four people who I truly care about, so I will use SN in the first week of January when she will be out of the country. I will write a suicide letter to deter my family from notifying the media outlets. I do not want people to reduce my death to shallow reasons just to criticize the government as if a few thousand liras would convince me to stay here for longer. I believe that some actions could have prevented me from becoming who I am if they had been offered to me when I was younger but now it is too late. Now, onto some topics that were harder for me to settle:
The first issue I always had was the metaphysical dimension of existence. I still believe that some type of God exists (and I promise that I will not annoy anyone with my foolish arguments anymore) but I cannot believe in any of the currently available religions. I am not really sure about the existence of an afterlife but, I am not scared of it. If there is nothingness, then it is all good. In fact, if there is truly nothingness, my wish is that the current way of life would disappear into nothingness. However, if there is something, then I am ready to take full responsibility for my actions. If I will truly be judged by a divine being of some sort, then I will explain the hell which my existence has turned into. If such a divine being cannot respond with compassion, then I cannot bring myself to trust their judgement and I would love to be put in hell. The world has turned into the monster that it is today due to lack of compassion after all. I will be happier if I am further away from condescending beings without pity who has no idea they are as wicked as the Satan. At least the Satan is honest about who they are. To sum up, the afterlife is not a barricade for me now as I am completely fine with whatever happens.
I have also gone over my decision to ensure that this is really what I want, and I will not regret it. To do that, I kept reflecting on my life to find that hope everyone else seems to have but all the hopeful scenarios sound life a mere dream to me. The modern happiness is only a sugarcoated nightmare. That is why it needs to be taught starting from the age of 6. Otherwise, nobody would believe in it. All the images of happiness that I have in my mind are useless paintings of material wellness. I do not believe that they can cure the problem of my psyche. My psyche is way too damaged to be fixed through material means alone and all the metaphysical cures only ended up convincing me end my life even more.
Finally, I also tried to decide if I could maintain my happiness if I ever manage to achieve it (which is somehow related to the previous paragraph). I realized that even if I can embrace happiness at individual level, it will be tentative because the society cannot support it. Our society is dying and only chaos can ensue in the following years. It is ridiculous that we live in times so cruel that hundreds of millions of people lack access to their basic needs, yet this is justified. I am not naïve enough to claim that it used to be better or that it will necessarily be better under another economic model because material wellness has always been a gamble between us and the nature. However, what differentiates our time, and our economic model are the cruel ways people use to justify these things. Our current way of life has only emphasized the worst part of the human nature. Nash equilibrium model coupled with Freudian perspective on psyche and biological depiction of humans as merely information processors completely concealed the positive parts of our nature. It is just as foolish to claim that people are completely self-interested animals as it is to romanticize the human nature and cite the bankers as the only evil in the world. This, I believe, is the root of the evil of our times. People are either unnecessarily pessimistic about humans and behave in the meanest way possible or they are unnecessarily optimistic about their own nature and behave in the meanest way possible to people who they deem as others. As opposed to the assumption of these two types of people, the society was built on unconditional cooperation and trust, and it shall fall when the cooperation fails and that is exactly what is happening right now (at least in Turkey). I see no reason to stick around just to watch the society around me fall.
Finally, I believe that I should close this post by apologizing for this weird burst of ideas and emotions since some parts could be annoying. I have been debating on whether to post this or not and I decided to do it since I want my account to be deleted after I am gone (and I will notify you when that happens). I do not want people to go through my internet history and blame this community. I will format my computer, but I panic about my internet provider sharing my history with my parents (as I am not sure about the privacy laws in Turkey). I also do not want to close my account prior to my attempt since I might fail, and I might need support to minimize the mistakes that can occur. I genuinely like the community here too because people here do not lie about the hell that our existence have turned into. This site even helped me postpone the date, reflect on my decision, and find a safer method. I would have probably jumped into random lake and be rescued last year in September if I had not found this site. I want to end my weird post with a long quote from Gore Verbinski's A Cure for Wellness because it really sums up my stance on life in a poetic way:
"A man cannot unsee the truth. He cannot willingly return to darkness or go blind once he has the gift of sight any more than he can be unborn.
We are the only species capable of self-reflection. The only species with the toxin of self-doubt written into our genetic code.
Unequal to our gifts we build, we buy, we consume. We wrap ourselves in the illusion of material success. We cheat and deceive as we claw our way to the pinnacle of what we define as achievement. Superiority to other men…
There is a sickness inside us. Rising like the bile that leaves that bitter taste at the back of our throats. We deny its existence until one day the body rebels against the mind and screams out <I am not a well man>.
But the truth cannot be ignored. For only we may know what ails us, can we hope to find a cure…"
The first issue I always had was the metaphysical dimension of existence. I still believe that some type of God exists (and I promise that I will not annoy anyone with my foolish arguments anymore) but I cannot believe in any of the currently available religions. I am not really sure about the existence of an afterlife but, I am not scared of it. If there is nothingness, then it is all good. In fact, if there is truly nothingness, my wish is that the current way of life would disappear into nothingness. However, if there is something, then I am ready to take full responsibility for my actions. If I will truly be judged by a divine being of some sort, then I will explain the hell which my existence has turned into. If such a divine being cannot respond with compassion, then I cannot bring myself to trust their judgement and I would love to be put in hell. The world has turned into the monster that it is today due to lack of compassion after all. I will be happier if I am further away from condescending beings without pity who has no idea they are as wicked as the Satan. At least the Satan is honest about who they are. To sum up, the afterlife is not a barricade for me now as I am completely fine with whatever happens.
I have also gone over my decision to ensure that this is really what I want, and I will not regret it. To do that, I kept reflecting on my life to find that hope everyone else seems to have but all the hopeful scenarios sound life a mere dream to me. The modern happiness is only a sugarcoated nightmare. That is why it needs to be taught starting from the age of 6. Otherwise, nobody would believe in it. All the images of happiness that I have in my mind are useless paintings of material wellness. I do not believe that they can cure the problem of my psyche. My psyche is way too damaged to be fixed through material means alone and all the metaphysical cures only ended up convincing me end my life even more.
Finally, I also tried to decide if I could maintain my happiness if I ever manage to achieve it (which is somehow related to the previous paragraph). I realized that even if I can embrace happiness at individual level, it will be tentative because the society cannot support it. Our society is dying and only chaos can ensue in the following years. It is ridiculous that we live in times so cruel that hundreds of millions of people lack access to their basic needs, yet this is justified. I am not naïve enough to claim that it used to be better or that it will necessarily be better under another economic model because material wellness has always been a gamble between us and the nature. However, what differentiates our time, and our economic model are the cruel ways people use to justify these things. Our current way of life has only emphasized the worst part of the human nature. Nash equilibrium model coupled with Freudian perspective on psyche and biological depiction of humans as merely information processors completely concealed the positive parts of our nature. It is just as foolish to claim that people are completely self-interested animals as it is to romanticize the human nature and cite the bankers as the only evil in the world. This, I believe, is the root of the evil of our times. People are either unnecessarily pessimistic about humans and behave in the meanest way possible or they are unnecessarily optimistic about their own nature and behave in the meanest way possible to people who they deem as others. As opposed to the assumption of these two types of people, the society was built on unconditional cooperation and trust, and it shall fall when the cooperation fails and that is exactly what is happening right now (at least in Turkey). I see no reason to stick around just to watch the society around me fall.
Finally, I believe that I should close this post by apologizing for this weird burst of ideas and emotions since some parts could be annoying. I have been debating on whether to post this or not and I decided to do it since I want my account to be deleted after I am gone (and I will notify you when that happens). I do not want people to go through my internet history and blame this community. I will format my computer, but I panic about my internet provider sharing my history with my parents (as I am not sure about the privacy laws in Turkey). I also do not want to close my account prior to my attempt since I might fail, and I might need support to minimize the mistakes that can occur. I genuinely like the community here too because people here do not lie about the hell that our existence have turned into. This site even helped me postpone the date, reflect on my decision, and find a safer method. I would have probably jumped into random lake and be rescued last year in September if I had not found this site. I want to end my weird post with a long quote from Gore Verbinski's A Cure for Wellness because it really sums up my stance on life in a poetic way:
"A man cannot unsee the truth. He cannot willingly return to darkness or go blind once he has the gift of sight any more than he can be unborn.
We are the only species capable of self-reflection. The only species with the toxin of self-doubt written into our genetic code.
Unequal to our gifts we build, we buy, we consume. We wrap ourselves in the illusion of material success. We cheat and deceive as we claw our way to the pinnacle of what we define as achievement. Superiority to other men…
There is a sickness inside us. Rising like the bile that leaves that bitter taste at the back of our throats. We deny its existence until one day the body rebels against the mind and screams out <I am not a well man>.
But the truth cannot be ignored. For only we may know what ails us, can we hope to find a cure…"
