los3r
Member
- Nov 2, 2025
- 20
Hi, I'm new here and I want to share my relationship with suicide.
I've always had some extremist ideas. In elementary school, I had the brilliant idea of writing on a bench that I wanted to do a school shooting.
There was a small investigation, and I had to go to a psychologist because of it. I suffered a bit of bullying for being overweight, not obese.
Then this fat kid was the first in the class to have a girlfriend.
My life continued as normal (aside from some traumatic experiences I was exposed to)
After finishing high school,
I started dating the girl I thought was going to be the woman I would marry.
There was a lot of casual sex throughout high school, and I felt ready to face marriage and an adult life
But apparently my girl didn't, so she cheated on me and left me after we went on vacation.
I cried a lot but finally accepted it. During that time I dedicated myself to taking cocaine and sleeping with easy girls.
That's where I had my first suicidal thoughts.
Life wasn't bad, but I had no plans anymore and I felt empty. I went on like that until I was 25, when I fell in love with a young girl.(16)
Let me clarify the relationship was real and genuine, because it was revealed and due to social pressure I couldn't finalize it. (now i know its wrong)
this got uploaded and I was extremely publicly shamed and defamed, for this not by her, but by other idiots who hated me.
what happened next?
I got a job at a hospital, but I felt emotionally devastated and super ashamed, so I took several ampoules of opioids and started injecting them.
I became erratic, I didn't die, and I really enjoyed those trips, but...
I continued using cocaine recklessly.
One day, I came home after consuming 5 grams of cocaine in a couple of hours, having a psychotic episode.
I looked for a cigarette in the trash and found one that was half-smoked and soaked with tramadol.
The result was a chemical burn that left a nodule in my throat.
My throat hardened, and I remembered pricking that cigarette with a short needle.
My throat stiffened, and when I touched it from side to side, I felt something break.
I never knew if it was from the burn or if I actually swallowed something, but something still bothers me inside,
And so here I am, with my mom's support and being kept safe, but not knowing if I'll die by my own hand or by accident. >_<
The truth is, I'm not having a great time right now. Living and dying are the same to me...
What I really don't want is to go through horrible pain before I do it.
Thanks for the space
I've always had some extremist ideas. In elementary school, I had the brilliant idea of writing on a bench that I wanted to do a school shooting.
There was a small investigation, and I had to go to a psychologist because of it. I suffered a bit of bullying for being overweight, not obese.
Then this fat kid was the first in the class to have a girlfriend.
My life continued as normal (aside from some traumatic experiences I was exposed to)
After finishing high school,
I started dating the girl I thought was going to be the woman I would marry.
There was a lot of casual sex throughout high school, and I felt ready to face marriage and an adult life
But apparently my girl didn't, so she cheated on me and left me after we went on vacation.
I cried a lot but finally accepted it. During that time I dedicated myself to taking cocaine and sleeping with easy girls.
That's where I had my first suicidal thoughts.
Life wasn't bad, but I had no plans anymore and I felt empty. I went on like that until I was 25, when I fell in love with a young girl.(16)
Let me clarify the relationship was real and genuine, because it was revealed and due to social pressure I couldn't finalize it. (now i know its wrong)
this got uploaded and I was extremely publicly shamed and defamed, for this not by her, but by other idiots who hated me.
what happened next?
I got a job at a hospital, but I felt emotionally devastated and super ashamed, so I took several ampoules of opioids and started injecting them.
I became erratic, I didn't die, and I really enjoyed those trips, but...
I continued using cocaine recklessly.
One day, I came home after consuming 5 grams of cocaine in a couple of hours, having a psychotic episode.
I looked for a cigarette in the trash and found one that was half-smoked and soaked with tramadol.
The result was a chemical burn that left a nodule in my throat.
My throat hardened, and I remembered pricking that cigarette with a short needle.
My throat stiffened, and when I touched it from side to side, I felt something break.
I never knew if it was from the burn or if I actually swallowed something, but something still bothers me inside,
And so here I am, with my mom's support and being kept safe, but not knowing if I'll die by my own hand or by accident. >_<
The truth is, I'm not having a great time right now. Living and dying are the same to me...
What I really don't want is to go through horrible pain before I do it.
Thanks for the space
