AresCohere
Professional Insomniac
- Apr 10, 2023
- 158
Im just barely holding on anymore. Only recently have I found out that the way I've felt my entire life isn't normal, and the knowledge that, because of things I can and cannot control, it wont ever get better. Mounting traumas and issues have brought me here, and while I've discussed this to a smaller extent under other threads, I believe it deserves its own just so I can get it out.
For context, im just finishing my Senior hear of high school, and I live in a fairly rural part of America.
1: Family
My family, for here I'll stick to the ones "close" to me, have always made me believe I am a failure for not being able to reach their standards, and just not being good enough for them. This is usually academically, but also with several things outside of school such as generally not doing much (I can't even get up in the morning anymore, and are late to almost everything). My grades arent bad, im a B and A student, but it nothing special. Yeah im "above average" but so is every other person around here. My mom would constantly compare me to others that are leagues ahead of me, and, in some form, say how I'm a disgrace for not being that way. For not getting (X) award or for not doing (Y) thing, etc etc. I already have nearly a dozen separate major tasks floating above my head at all times, and I already can't handle half of them. To be honest, their idea of me being a failure isn't wrong, and I have accepted the fact that I am one.
2: Mounting Stresses
Building upon the last one, when it comes to college soon (and, as im American, the over 100k+ in student loan debt in about to be in), to constant testing in and out of school, to a new job im starting soon that j am woefully underprepared soon, to even other crap thats been pushed onto me. It seme like what I have to do is solve every major crisis the world has ever seen, in a long afternoon. Yeah, not gonna happen. Somehow I've managed to fib my ass through life and, oops, now you have to do all this shit your brain can't handle or comprehend. Stress isn't just lame school shit, but also out-of-school factors like trying to keep in contact with friends online (of which I am constantly losing), to trying to manage the million thoughts in my head all the time, all constantly tugging on me. Its become impossible to focus, no project is ever done, and I've dug myself into an inescapable pit of despair, perpetually scared of the future, and rightfully so.
3: Being gay in Rural America
I know, lame reason, but it just stacks upon everything else like some cruel game of CTB-Jenga. I have not come out to anyone irl, and for good reasons. Around here, being gay is pretty much the worst thing you can be. This is the part of America with "Trump 2024" posters everywhere and where every house has more guns in it than people. I am forced to sit between people at lunch who openly discuss how the government should "kill all those dirty ass f*gs." And while yes, living isn't really what I want, I would prefer it come to an end at my own hand peacefully and not in sole torturing by a lynch mob. I'm pretty sure my dad found out at some point, as he has been making comments that make me extremely uncomfortable at home. Shit like "I like seeing your cute as when you lean over like that" and it adds to how unsafe I feel in my own home.
4: Blame for the Deaths of Others
Throughout the years, several of my online friends have CTB'd, and to be honest, I blame myself for it. While I do believe, especially for people in a situation similar to mine, CTB is the right way out (recovery wont remove trauma after all), it is at least partially my fault they felt that way to start with. Knowing that I made them feel such pain, a pain I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy, constantly fills me with guilt. I give off a generally negative aura to everyone I meet, and I cause immense suffering everywhere I go.
5: Additional Traumas/Reasons
There are several of these, so I will list them individually to make it easier to understand.
- My mom, who already has caused enough pain for me, was way too post-happy with nude/partially nude images of me as a child on Facebook. This caused my uncle (who had just gotten out of prison for his first CP charge), to download said images and distribute them, along with (from what I've heard) thousands of others. My mom takes no responsibility for this, and just knowing the fact there is CP of me out there just constantly grosses my mind out, and adds to my paranoia of everyone and everything.
- For four months or so during a gym class in school not too long ago, I was SA'd by this guy, a guy who is much larger than me in every way. This SA would involve him grabbing at my chest, butt, thighs, etc. He would also corner me and do this, often mocking how I was hopeless to stop him. He would also make regular suggestive comments toward me, along with (soft, if that even works here) rape and kidnapping threats. And yes, he got away with this easily. But hey, there was an investigation j to me for weeks a few hears ago for a false SA claim on me just because some girl didn't like sitting next to me. (Oh yeah, the constant fear of being imprisoned for some stupid false rape or SA claim also adds to my paranoia).
- Making this its own thing even though I've talked about it several times, but my paranoia. Constantly being watched, hearing everything, auditory hallucinations of footsteps, my name being called out, scratching from inside the walls of my room. And its all getting worse all the time. And it is 100% justified. I am worried that the therapist I am forced to go to of my school psychologist will find out about my plans to CTB and send me to a ward (prison) to try to stop me. Also just knowing that everyone I meet/know irl disposes me also adds to the paranoia everywhere.
- My appearance is also just, terrible. While in general my hair and hygiene are mostly okay, due to a lack of motivation to move, stress eating, and a slow metabolism, I have become increasingly overweight throughout the years. I hate how I look, I hate how I act, I hate how I think, I just hate myself, and its easy to hate me. Even my room is a mess as I am unable to find the time to clean it.
Now, there are two things keeping me alive at the moment, but both are slowly going away.
1: This cute guy that I met on discord. I love him, and he makes me so happy when we talk, but just knowing that he loves others more than me just hurts. While he is a net positive in my life, I'm not sure for how much longer he will be around for. To Delta (and yes you DeltaThree if you see this), this is not your fault, its mine.
2: Just the primal instinct to live and fear if death. There is nothing good ahead of me in life, but there is some tiny part of me refusing to give in just saying how the nothingness of the void is worse than whatever hell I'm in now. Luckily for me, this had been slowly going away, and I know this as I've been subconsciously putting myself into increasingly mote dangerous situations and not even noticing.
This leads to today, where I stare into the abyss that most hope to never see. I stare into it, and I smile. I stare into it, and it fills me with hope.
Hope that soon enough, it will be over…
For context, im just finishing my Senior hear of high school, and I live in a fairly rural part of America.
1: Family
My family, for here I'll stick to the ones "close" to me, have always made me believe I am a failure for not being able to reach their standards, and just not being good enough for them. This is usually academically, but also with several things outside of school such as generally not doing much (I can't even get up in the morning anymore, and are late to almost everything). My grades arent bad, im a B and A student, but it nothing special. Yeah im "above average" but so is every other person around here. My mom would constantly compare me to others that are leagues ahead of me, and, in some form, say how I'm a disgrace for not being that way. For not getting (X) award or for not doing (Y) thing, etc etc. I already have nearly a dozen separate major tasks floating above my head at all times, and I already can't handle half of them. To be honest, their idea of me being a failure isn't wrong, and I have accepted the fact that I am one.
2: Mounting Stresses
Building upon the last one, when it comes to college soon (and, as im American, the over 100k+ in student loan debt in about to be in), to constant testing in and out of school, to a new job im starting soon that j am woefully underprepared soon, to even other crap thats been pushed onto me. It seme like what I have to do is solve every major crisis the world has ever seen, in a long afternoon. Yeah, not gonna happen. Somehow I've managed to fib my ass through life and, oops, now you have to do all this shit your brain can't handle or comprehend. Stress isn't just lame school shit, but also out-of-school factors like trying to keep in contact with friends online (of which I am constantly losing), to trying to manage the million thoughts in my head all the time, all constantly tugging on me. Its become impossible to focus, no project is ever done, and I've dug myself into an inescapable pit of despair, perpetually scared of the future, and rightfully so.
3: Being gay in Rural America
I know, lame reason, but it just stacks upon everything else like some cruel game of CTB-Jenga. I have not come out to anyone irl, and for good reasons. Around here, being gay is pretty much the worst thing you can be. This is the part of America with "Trump 2024" posters everywhere and where every house has more guns in it than people. I am forced to sit between people at lunch who openly discuss how the government should "kill all those dirty ass f*gs." And while yes, living isn't really what I want, I would prefer it come to an end at my own hand peacefully and not in sole torturing by a lynch mob. I'm pretty sure my dad found out at some point, as he has been making comments that make me extremely uncomfortable at home. Shit like "I like seeing your cute as when you lean over like that" and it adds to how unsafe I feel in my own home.
4: Blame for the Deaths of Others
Throughout the years, several of my online friends have CTB'd, and to be honest, I blame myself for it. While I do believe, especially for people in a situation similar to mine, CTB is the right way out (recovery wont remove trauma after all), it is at least partially my fault they felt that way to start with. Knowing that I made them feel such pain, a pain I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy, constantly fills me with guilt. I give off a generally negative aura to everyone I meet, and I cause immense suffering everywhere I go.
5: Additional Traumas/Reasons
There are several of these, so I will list them individually to make it easier to understand.
- My mom, who already has caused enough pain for me, was way too post-happy with nude/partially nude images of me as a child on Facebook. This caused my uncle (who had just gotten out of prison for his first CP charge), to download said images and distribute them, along with (from what I've heard) thousands of others. My mom takes no responsibility for this, and just knowing the fact there is CP of me out there just constantly grosses my mind out, and adds to my paranoia of everyone and everything.
- For four months or so during a gym class in school not too long ago, I was SA'd by this guy, a guy who is much larger than me in every way. This SA would involve him grabbing at my chest, butt, thighs, etc. He would also corner me and do this, often mocking how I was hopeless to stop him. He would also make regular suggestive comments toward me, along with (soft, if that even works here) rape and kidnapping threats. And yes, he got away with this easily. But hey, there was an investigation j to me for weeks a few hears ago for a false SA claim on me just because some girl didn't like sitting next to me. (Oh yeah, the constant fear of being imprisoned for some stupid false rape or SA claim also adds to my paranoia).
- Making this its own thing even though I've talked about it several times, but my paranoia. Constantly being watched, hearing everything, auditory hallucinations of footsteps, my name being called out, scratching from inside the walls of my room. And its all getting worse all the time. And it is 100% justified. I am worried that the therapist I am forced to go to of my school psychologist will find out about my plans to CTB and send me to a ward (prison) to try to stop me. Also just knowing that everyone I meet/know irl disposes me also adds to the paranoia everywhere.
- My appearance is also just, terrible. While in general my hair and hygiene are mostly okay, due to a lack of motivation to move, stress eating, and a slow metabolism, I have become increasingly overweight throughout the years. I hate how I look, I hate how I act, I hate how I think, I just hate myself, and its easy to hate me. Even my room is a mess as I am unable to find the time to clean it.
Now, there are two things keeping me alive at the moment, but both are slowly going away.
1: This cute guy that I met on discord. I love him, and he makes me so happy when we talk, but just knowing that he loves others more than me just hurts. While he is a net positive in my life, I'm not sure for how much longer he will be around for. To Delta (and yes you DeltaThree if you see this), this is not your fault, its mine.
2: Just the primal instinct to live and fear if death. There is nothing good ahead of me in life, but there is some tiny part of me refusing to give in just saying how the nothingness of the void is worse than whatever hell I'm in now. Luckily for me, this had been slowly going away, and I know this as I've been subconsciously putting myself into increasingly mote dangerous situations and not even noticing.
This leads to today, where I stare into the abyss that most hope to never see. I stare into it, and I smile. I stare into it, and it fills me with hope.
Hope that soon enough, it will be over…
