Venting My reasons for wanting to die. Are these unreasonable?

[SuicidalDream]

I was hesitant to post this but I think your opinions might be more useful to me than the annoying platitudes my counselor always recites. Maybe someone can relate to some of this. I hope it isn't too boring or pathetic but I need to vent. I feel shallow even admitting to some of these. Behold, in no particular order, my shitty reasons.

Reason 1: I don't want to get old. I'm terrified of old age. I don't want to look old, and I don't want the physical difficulties and pain of having an old body. I'm only 21, so I know I have time before this becomes an issue. However, I'm afraid that allowing myself more time will increase my survival instinct and I won't be able to push myself over the edge when the time comes. Also, my grandmother has dementia and seeing it get worse, watching her become more and more confused and upset, is scaring me. I never want to become like that. If aging was the only reason, I would probably wait at least a decade, likely longer, before committing suicide. The other reasons on this list make me want to ctb much sooner.

Reason 2: I'm a lesbian and I'm scared to come out of the closet. I know my parents would accept me. I'm out to a few of my friends and they're totally supportive. I'm uncomfortable with the idea of other people (even my parents) finding out though, which will be a problem if I decide to start dating. I live in the United States (in a liberal state), so I feel like I shouldn't be so afraid and uncomfortable with coming out, but I still am.

Reason 3: A relatively minor reason. I guess this is sort of a continuation of the previous one. I'm questioning my political beliefs and I think that will be a problem when dating. Most LGBT people are left-wing, usually further left than normal leftists. I'm not sure what I am, and have been questioning whether I might be a fascist. I very recently began learning about fascism and it resonates with me a little more than other ideas I've explored. This would not be accepted by any LGBT people I know, not even the conservative ones. I'm scared that I'll either never find love or never be able to tell people about my beliefs. I'm usually brutally honest with the people I trust, so this is a difficult position to be in.

Reason 4: I'm very insecure about my intelligence/lack thereof. I took IQ tests a few times when I was a kid. I don't remember the exact numbers but I think all were between 110 and 115. I know these scores are above average. A lot of people tell me that I'm intelligent even if they don't know my IQ. But I know IQ isn't as important as it's sometimes made out to be. Still, I think I've given myself unrealistic expectations of what I should be able to accomplish intellectually. Every time I can't figure something out, or someone thinks of a good idea before I do, I feel stupid. It's gotten to the point where I get so anxious in anticipation of feeling stupid that I often don't let myself try to think. I struggled in my chemistry class last semester because I could rarely bring myself to do the math problems. I started crying during some tests because I felt like I was unintelligent. I also used to enjoy learning to code, but it now takes a lot of motivation for me to do any programming because I always feel like I should be better at it.

Reason 5: Depression and anxiety. I've had these issues for as long as I can remember. Sometimes the depression gets a little better for a few weeks or so, but it always comes back. I deal with at least mild (often worse) anxiety on a daily basis.

Reason 6: My main reason. I feel like a burden on my family and friends. I don't have a job. I feel like I should get a job but I always get so anxious during interviews that nobody wants to hire me. My parents pay for most of my things, including gas and car insurance. I hate being so dependent on them. I also feel like I burden my friends when I talk about my feelings. They seem to genuinely want the best for me, and I can tell that I'm causing them a lot of stress. I can pretend I'm okay but they often see right through it. They ask me what's wrong and won't take "nothing" for an answer. These are only the few friends that stuck around for a while. Most friends stop talking to me when I have barely even scratched the surface of how I feel. They ask what's wrong all the time and eventually I give in and give them an honest answer, then they say they'll be there for me, then they leave me.

This post was much longer than I expected and I can't believe I'm actually posting this. This is probably a mistake. Time to be judged by the few random strangers who actually feel inclined to read this crap!

 

[ExitTheDay]

I don't think there is any unreasonable excuse to die, we all think there is because society has engraved it into our minds that certain norms are right and wrong based on their "standards" and that's fucked up, by the way vent all you want we are all here to listen and help you, dont think you ever owe anyone anything based on the reasons you want to die because you dont, no matter how much they try to tell you

 

[stillwoozy]

No reason is automatically "unreasonable" imo. Only you know if ctb is truly your best option.

 

[not_a_robot]

I was hesitant to post this but I think your opinions might be more useful to me than the annoying platitudes my counselor always recites. Maybe someone can relate to some of this. I hope it isn't too boring or pathetic but I need to vent. I feel shallow even admitting to some of these. Behold, in no particular order, my shitty reasons.

Reason 1: I don't want to get old. I'm terrified of old age. I don't want to look old, and I don't want the physical difficulties and pain of having an old body. I'm only 21, so I know I have time before this becomes an issue. However, I'm afraid that allowing myself more time will increase my survival instinct and I won't be able to push myself over the edge when the time comes. Also, my grandmother has dementia and seeing it get worse, watching her become more and more confused and upset, is scaring me. I never want to become like that. If aging was the only reason, I would probably wait at least a decade, likely longer, before committing suicide. The other reasons on this list make me want to ctb much sooner.

Reason 2: I'm a lesbian and I'm scared to come out of the closet. I know my parents would accept me. I'm out to a few of my friends and they're totally supportive. I'm uncomfortable with the idea of other people (even my parents) finding out though, which will be a problem if I decide to start dating. I live in the United States (in a liberal state), so I feel like I shouldn't be so afraid and uncomfortable with coming out, but I still am.

Reason 3: A relatively minor reason. I guess this is sort of a continuation of the previous one. I'm questioning my political beliefs and I think that will be a problem when dating. Most LGBT people are left-wing, usually further left than normal leftists. I'm not sure what I am, and have been questioning whether I might be a fascist. I very recently began learning about fascism and it resonates with me a little more than other ideas I've explored. This would not be accepted by any LGBT people I know, not even the conservative ones. I'm scared that I'll either never find love or never be able to tell people about my beliefs. I'm usually brutally honest with the people I trust, so this is a difficult position to be in.

Reason 4: I'm very insecure about my intelligence/lack thereof. I took IQ tests a few times when I was a kid. I don't remember the exact numbers but I think all were between 110 and 115. I know these scores are above average. A lot of people tell me that I'm intelligent even if they don't know my IQ. But I know IQ isn't as important as it's sometimes made out to be. Still, I think I've given myself unrealistic expectations of what I should be able to accomplish intellectually. Every time I can't figure something out, or someone thinks of a good idea before I do, I feel stupid. It's gotten to the point where I get so anxious in anticipation of feeling stupid that I often don't let myself try to think. I struggled in my chemistry class last semester because I could rarely bring myself to do the math problems. I started crying during some tests because I felt like I was unintelligent. I also used to enjoy learning to code, but it now takes a lot of motivation for me to do any programming because I always feel like I should be better at it.

Reason 5: Depression and anxiety. I've had these issues for as long as I can remember. Sometimes the depression gets a little better for a few weeks or so, but it always comes back. I deal with at least mild (often worse) anxiety on a daily basis.

Reason 6: My main reason. I feel like a burden on my family and friends. I don't have a job. I feel like I should get a job but I always get so anxious during interviews that nobody wants to hire me. My parents pay for most of my things, including gas and car insurance. I hate being so dependent on them. I also feel like I burden my friends when I talk about my feelings. They seem to genuinely want the best for me, and I can tell that I'm causing them a lot of stress. I can pretend I'm okay but they often see right through it. They ask me what's wrong and won't take "nothing" for an answer. These are only the few friends that stuck around for a while. Most friends stop talking to me when I have barely even scratched the surface of how I feel. They ask what's wrong all the time and eventually I give in and give them an honest answer, then they say they'll be there for me, then they leave me.

This post was much longer than I expected and I can't believe I'm actually posting this. This is probably a mistake. Time to be judged by the few random strangers who actually feel inclined to read this crap!

yeah, sorry for being suspicious of you earlier. New accounts are often trolls.
I sympathize with all your reasons but only you can decide if they are worth ctb.
Your fear about survival instinct increasing as you age is valid though. Every day I wish I had done it when I was younger. Good luck either way.

 

[GeorgeJL]

1. Just do like me. I plan to CTB when I am an old man. I have my N stored away until that faithful day.

2. If you know your parents would support you then your fear is unjustified.

3. Don't talk politics then, I'm a rideshare driver and the other day in a car full of strangers someone asked "so what about this Trump guy?" After a pause I said. "As the designated rideshare guy I have no comment on Trump." Everyone burst out laughing. So really you can just make fun of everyone that gets caught up into the whole political thing. Or just date people that are centrist. You sound centrist yourself.

4. Learning to code is a takes a very specific type of mind to do that sort of thing. My brother has a bachelors in computer programming at one of the top universities in the country and my other brother is almost computer illiterate. I'm somewhere in the middle. And my brothers wife that now has a bachlors as a dietitian said that she couldn't do computer programming like my brother. Point being someone could be very smart but unable to code.

5. Have you tried psychedelics or several types of medication for that? If you think there might be hope I recommend the self authoring program. https://www.selfauthoring.com If not, then you know where the nearest rope is. The choice is yours.

6. Same as answer number 5.

 

[LastFlowers]

There's a lot of reasons that I would not commit suicide for, but for other people they are valid. And vice versa.
Only you can know what are good enough reasons for you to permanently end your life.
The right decision is right when you have considered it deeply and rationally and when you, yourself are the one making it.

 

[TAW122]

I don't think they are invalid or unreasonable at all. For some people, what may seem insignificant may seem like a major problem to another, vice versa.

 

[Kikoo Loool]

There's no good or bad reason. At the very end it will be your own choice. Just take the time to think about it and talk here, you're not alone and people will listen to you.

 

[Meretlein]

I think there's still hope for you.

You're only 21, you won't be old for awhile. You can collect information on suicide so it will always been an option when the time comes.

I'm also a queer woman who almost never talks about it. I'm guessing it is an urge to be seen as normal? You can start going to LGBT meetups and hang out in some forums and discords. Coming out may become easier once you get some LGBT friends. Even if you don't come out, it will be nice to have people you relate to.

The politics thing is tricky but you could always just avoid talking about it. There's a reason people warn others about bringing politics and religion up in social settings. I choose not to call out fake asexuals for this reason.

You don't seem stupid. Depression and not studying will make the best of us fail. Don't beat yourself for not magically knowing some very difficult concepts. Even the smartest people still have to work to learn. It's really normal for people in their early 20s to be dependent on their parents. The economy has changed a lot, you're not alone here.

 

[Shamana]

I was hesitant to post this but I think your opinions might be more useful to me than the annoying platitudes my counselor always recites. Maybe someone can relate to some of this. I hope it isn't too boring or pathetic but I need to vent. I feel shallow even admitting to some of these. Behold, in no particular order, my shitty reasons.

Reason 1: I don't want to get old. I'm terrified of old age. I don't want to look old, and I don't want the physical difficulties and pain of having an old body. I'm only 21, so I know I have time before this becomes an issue. However, I'm afraid that allowing myself more time will increase my survival instinct and I won't be able to push myself over the edge when the time comes. Also, my grandmother has dementia and seeing it get worse, watching her become more and more confused and upset, is scaring me. I never want to become like that. If aging was the only reason, I would probably wait at least a decade, likely longer, before committing suicide. The other reasons on this list make me want to ctb much sooner.

Reason 2: I'm a lesbian and I'm scared to come out of the closet. I know my parents would accept me. I'm out to a few of my friends and they're totally supportive. I'm uncomfortable with the idea of other people (even my parents) finding out though, which will be a problem if I decide to start dating. I live in the United States (in a liberal state), so I feel like I shouldn't be so afraid and uncomfortable with coming out, but I still am.

Reason 3: A relatively minor reason. I guess this is sort of a continuation of the previous one. I'm questioning my political beliefs and I think that will be a problem when dating. Most LGBT people are left-wing, usually further left than normal leftists. I'm not sure what I am, and have been questioning whether I might be a fascist. I very recently began learning about fascism and it resonates with me a little more than other ideas I've explored. This would not be accepted by any LGBT people I know, not even the conservative ones. I'm scared that I'll either never find love or never be able to tell people about my beliefs. I'm usually brutally honest with the people I trust, so this is a difficult position to be in.

Reason 4: I'm very insecure about my intelligence/lack thereof. I took IQ tests a few times when I was a kid. I don't remember the exact numbers but I think all were between 110 and 115. I know these scores are above average. A lot of people tell me that I'm intelligent even if they don't know my IQ. But I know IQ isn't as important as it's sometimes made out to be. Still, I think I've given myself unrealistic expectations of what I should be able to accomplish intellectually. Every time I can't figure something out, or someone thinks of a good idea before I do, I feel stupid. It's gotten to the point where I get so anxious in anticipation of feeling stupid that I often don't let myself try to think. I struggled in my chemistry class last semester because I could rarely bring myself to do the math problems. I started crying during some tests because I felt like I was unintelligent. I also used to enjoy learning to code, but it now takes a lot of motivation for me to do any programming because I always feel like I should be better at it.

Reason 5: Depression and anxiety. I've had these issues for as long as I can remember. Sometimes the depression gets a little better for a few weeks or so, but it always comes back. I deal with at least mild (often worse) anxiety on a daily basis.

Reason 6: My main reason. I feel like a burden on my family and friends. I don't have a job. I feel like I should get a job but I always get so anxious during interviews that nobody wants to hire me. My parents pay for most of my things, including gas and car insurance. I hate being so dependent on them. I also feel like I burden my friends when I talk about my feelings. They seem to genuinely want the best for me, and I can tell that I'm causing them a lot of stress. I can pretend I'm okay but they often see right through it. They ask me what's wrong and won't take "nothing" for an answer. These are only the few friends that stuck around for a while. Most friends stop talking to me when I have barely even scratched the surface of how I feel. They ask what's wrong all the time and eventually I give in and give them an honest answer, then they say they'll be there for me, then they leave me.

This post was much longer than I expected and I can't believe I'm actually posting this. This is probably a mistake. Time to be judged by the few random strangers who actually feel inclined to read this crap!

I dont think these are mainly good reasons to end your life. It seems workable and your still only 21.

 

[Ruffian]

Yes. You are rational in the sense that your brain is actually still developing, so to have a system of thought that arrives at the conclusion that ending your life is option should be considered so. You also sound depressed in your last reason about feeling like you're a burden. Depression can actually change the shape and functioning of your brain. It is depressing to be your age and not be independent. When I read people still live with their parents until they're in their 30s I was shocked. That would suck. I know I had to be out at your age. Please take into consideration that feeling like you're burden was determined to be the leading cause of people carrying out ctb IN ONE ARTICLE I found. That doesn't mean its gospel, but it's worth maybe speaking your feelings if you trust the people in your life. Feelings do not always = reality. I have these rage attacks that escalate way over what is appropriate - doesn't mean the situation warrants it. Edit: verbal and I do not physically harm people. Edited because physical abuse is never warranted and I can control that level.

About the Math thing - please don't make that a reason, and math has a lot to do with programming. You said you're in the states and there is a lot of bias towards girls in Math classrooms. There are numerous studies on this where they have outside observers come into Math classrooms and tally how often the teacher will call on girls, spend time making individual attention, etc. Plus, how many good Math teachers are there? Unfortunately most people think because they are good at Math they can teach it. Not so. I use the football analogy, and you don't need to be a fan to get it. The greatest players of all time usually did not go on to be great coaches.. There are exceptions like John Madden (probably most famous coach and broadcaster) and Mike Ditka, and probably others, but this is something I've noticed with both disciplines. Plus, you can't go off of a single IQ score to determine your "intelligence." You should look up multiple intelligences and maybe read something on it. There's like 12 different areas. Some people don't like school, it doesn't mean they suck at it. Plus that one score is a result of 4 different parts, divided into like 10 sections, and there's known to be "scatter" among these scores, meaning you can do well in one area and not so well in another area. Whoever tested you obviously didn't explain this to you. That's because most Special Education Teachers, guidance counselors, and school psychologists, or psychiatrists trained in giving IQ tests go into it because they want to help people or work with kids. They can't read an educational evaluation, or if they can, they don't know how to translate what is basically math and statistics. Again, because THEIR math teacher probably sucked. That's why they're in the fields that they're in probably 50%. of the time.

IDK if you have enough posts to PM, but when you do if you want to PM me you can. I know a lot about IQ tests because I did a paper on them once and their inherent bias towards females and other marginalized groups. I am quite the nerd.

 

[idecidewhen]

Since when does anyone need to justify their reasons. Everyone has a right to the way they feel and don't need it validated by another. You can have a "poor" reason, but feel very strongly about it, or a "great" reason and not feel so strongly about it. Who can judge the quality of your reason other than you. You can have a bad day and justify it, or like me, have an amazing day and still see little point in being here.

 

[Umi]

Your reasons aren't dumb, pathetic, or unreasonable.

Heck I could even relate to a lot of these myself.

There will always be people saying stuff like, "you have no right to suffer when others have it worse," but that doesn't invalidate your suffering. I HATE people that say shit like that.

Pain is relative. Just cuz some people have it worse doesnt mean that you aren't in pain yourself.