legozone
Member
- Dec 14, 2021
- 9
Please skip this thread if you're looking for something useful, this post is made selfishly and what it describes is also incredibly selfish. I'm making this post to perhaps look back at it just before ctb and to remove doubt by my family on why I did it (if they care enough, they'll probably find this post), and hopefully entertain some users of this forum.
I am a 19 year old male born in Ukraine and moved to the United States in 2014, at the age of 11. I see that lots of people on here describe their reasons for turning to suicide in a way that boils down to having such a sharp fall in life that they cannot recover from it. It could be a big disappointment such as the loss of a relationship, the destruction of livelihood such as losing money, an unbearable disease that started recently, etc. For me, however, life has been shit for a very long time, I'd say I had suicidal ideations since around age 9, which is around 4 years after I can say for sure that things started going downhill. Pretty early, isn't it?
The first reason is the extreme social isolation I've experienced for as long as I can remember. I can still remember the first time I cried about not being able to have normal social interactions - the details are not important but it was very early on, before I went to first grade. I believe it was started off by my parents who believed I was very smart and being around other kids would harm my intellectual ability because everyone else is stupid. It's an attitude I've inherited and had until maybe age 13 - that I had to be smarter than everyone around me. Of course, as I grew up, I started to realize that whatever vague and subjective definition of "smart" applied, it did not matter at all because in the end it does nothing for me compared to being a normal functioning member of society. I can name exactly one person that I would have ever called a close friend, and that was in elementary school. Since then, no close interpersonal relationships, no one to talk to, no one to ask for help; the idea of a romantic relationship seemed like the apex of a mountain. Now don't call me an incel - I was never a sour loser about it, I knew exactly why that was the case and I did not blame anyone but myself and my parents for it.
Social isolation was severely amplified by the fact that I moved a total of 6 times throughout my life, almost once per year since 2014. As soon as I had any hope whatsoever of connecting with another person I moved. I haven't had any semblance of a normal "high school" life - no parties, no friends, no acquaintances, not even a place I could call home. The entire chunk of life that many people would say made the best memories they've ever had, all of it is missing.
Another factor in this is misophonia. If you're not aware, it's a neurological disorder where the perception of certain sounds ("triggers") is hard-wired into a response that manifests as extreme rage/irritation. This is not a psychological issue; it's faulty wiring of the brain. The moment I hear a trigger, I get sent into what is by all means torture, rage that is stronger than any anger or irritation I could ever feel otherwise. My triggers are eating sounds, thumping on walls (like when someone is running around in the apartment above you), and whistling. I really want to stress that the severity of a reaction should not be underestimated: it's not "getting annoyed" by sounds, it's feeling just as threatened by them as if an insane man was pointing a gun at you, and suffering from it as much as from a bad migraine or worse: it's a disorder. In the end, I decided to never eat with my family and avoid all kinds of public or social gatherings unless I was 100% certain that I could bring headphones and block out all sounds, which would pretty much defeat the point of any social gathering.
The second reason is that I cannot feel at home in what is supposed to be my home; I do not feel comfortable or safe, and when that's the case 24/7 for years, it adds up to a lot. It's not an issue with the home per se but an issue with me. First, I lived with an emotionally abusive stepfather for 5 years who had untreated bipolar disorder and would fall into violent fits of rage at random moments. Keep in mind that this happened as I was a kid. Although he is gone now, I believe I have a mild PTSD that can be triggered by things like a raised male adult voice (especially it's swearing) or opening or closing doors at my home. What doesn't help is that my mother found a new boyfriend who not only does both of these things all day, but also does nothing but whistle all day - I shit you not, he literally spends probably like 20% of his time awake whistling. It boggles my mind how a person can become like this but somehow he ended up living in my home. As a result, I live basically the same way as I did with the stepfather - always in my room with closed doors, afraid to ever come out, feeling stressed if the guy is anywhere around, even though I know logically that the new one is harmless (except for triggering my misophonia). Always on guard 24/7, to the point that I cannot force myself to relax the muscles in my body, let alone completely concentrate on something or meditate. Keep in mind that my mother knows about these issues very well but chose to ignore them because I guess she feels lonely without a man.
The third reason is my crippling inability to do things. I don't know if this is classified as ADHD, a symptom of depression, or something else. Probably all of it at once. I find it nearly impossible to force myself to do even basic things like hygiene or waking up until it becomes a very obvious and a very physical problem. That's not to even talk about being able to finish school (can you believe it? I'm still 19 and haven't finished high school! My past classmates are already far into college!) - right now I'm in an online school with a flexible course length and I've been "doing" a single semester of a single class for over a year now. How can I expect to get a job like this? How would I be able to provide for myself in the future assuming I do finish school and not kill myself? How would I ever survive in my own house if I do get one?
The fourth reason is that I firmly believe that it's a decision that I will not regret, or be able to regret, in any capacity. I used to be a Christian - and a serious Christian, the kind that takes science into account and connects it with the Bible without presuming that there are could be any contradictions. That was until I watched Dr. Robert Sapolsky's Human Behavioral Biology lectures and did more research, at which point I found the facts about how and why humans behave the way they do incompatible with religion. Inherent in this is also the realization that afterlife does not exist; the very existence of such a thing as thought is tied directly into the physical brain. These realizations came to me about 3 years ago and since then I had a very different opinion on suicide and death: it cannot be a bad thing for the individual because no suffering can exist after death. So, the only reason not to kill yourself is because you enjoy life, and that in turn is because you willingly succumb to your natural instincts to feel pleasure from certain things and to keep yourself alive. Now, most people succumb to this simply because they aren't aware of it - they just live their lives like normal fucking human beings and have nothing to complain about and love life as is - but for me it now has to be a deliberate choice. And for these 3 years, I chose to continue living because I still had hope of creating a life that is enjoyable - of coming to a point where waking up is not a problem and there are at least some things to look forward to. I gave myself every last chance I could but it only kept getting worse and as I learned more about the world and myself, I slowly realized that I have no control over my mental issues or shitty personality, that I would not act to fix it even if I knew how to, and that as I grew older, I would have new and harder challenges, all while not even being able to deal with things that middle schoolers have no problem with, so realistically there is zero chance of ever becoming an adequate person. That in itself is sad enough, but I also just don't want to live like this (and I know some other people would be ok with it), and since I know that ending my life will lead to no suffering, the choice to do so is logical.
There are other things that aren't really reasons for me to take my own life, they just make staying alive less appealing - like having clinical depression, living in a culture I despise and cannot relate to, and the fact that the world sucks and could be coming to an end because of human greed and willful ignorance. But that's not that important.
After years of thinking about it and learning more and more things, I made my final decision a week ago and gave myself this buffer time for SI to kick in if it does at all. I will try to ctb on August 8th 11:59 PM EST, about 25 hours since posting this (I'll keep this thread updated). August 8th also just so happens to be an anniversary of me coming to the US and also my dad's 50th birthday. My method is SN with no other substances. If it fails, it fails, whatever, I'll have another chance eventually. I don't mind sharing all this potentially private information - after all, I won't regret it ;)
I guess it's tradition to leave some final words so here are mine: "What did you expect?".
I am a 19 year old male born in Ukraine and moved to the United States in 2014, at the age of 11. I see that lots of people on here describe their reasons for turning to suicide in a way that boils down to having such a sharp fall in life that they cannot recover from it. It could be a big disappointment such as the loss of a relationship, the destruction of livelihood such as losing money, an unbearable disease that started recently, etc. For me, however, life has been shit for a very long time, I'd say I had suicidal ideations since around age 9, which is around 4 years after I can say for sure that things started going downhill. Pretty early, isn't it?
The first reason is the extreme social isolation I've experienced for as long as I can remember. I can still remember the first time I cried about not being able to have normal social interactions - the details are not important but it was very early on, before I went to first grade. I believe it was started off by my parents who believed I was very smart and being around other kids would harm my intellectual ability because everyone else is stupid. It's an attitude I've inherited and had until maybe age 13 - that I had to be smarter than everyone around me. Of course, as I grew up, I started to realize that whatever vague and subjective definition of "smart" applied, it did not matter at all because in the end it does nothing for me compared to being a normal functioning member of society. I can name exactly one person that I would have ever called a close friend, and that was in elementary school. Since then, no close interpersonal relationships, no one to talk to, no one to ask for help; the idea of a romantic relationship seemed like the apex of a mountain. Now don't call me an incel - I was never a sour loser about it, I knew exactly why that was the case and I did not blame anyone but myself and my parents for it.
Social isolation was severely amplified by the fact that I moved a total of 6 times throughout my life, almost once per year since 2014. As soon as I had any hope whatsoever of connecting with another person I moved. I haven't had any semblance of a normal "high school" life - no parties, no friends, no acquaintances, not even a place I could call home. The entire chunk of life that many people would say made the best memories they've ever had, all of it is missing.
Another factor in this is misophonia. If you're not aware, it's a neurological disorder where the perception of certain sounds ("triggers") is hard-wired into a response that manifests as extreme rage/irritation. This is not a psychological issue; it's faulty wiring of the brain. The moment I hear a trigger, I get sent into what is by all means torture, rage that is stronger than any anger or irritation I could ever feel otherwise. My triggers are eating sounds, thumping on walls (like when someone is running around in the apartment above you), and whistling. I really want to stress that the severity of a reaction should not be underestimated: it's not "getting annoyed" by sounds, it's feeling just as threatened by them as if an insane man was pointing a gun at you, and suffering from it as much as from a bad migraine or worse: it's a disorder. In the end, I decided to never eat with my family and avoid all kinds of public or social gatherings unless I was 100% certain that I could bring headphones and block out all sounds, which would pretty much defeat the point of any social gathering.
The second reason is that I cannot feel at home in what is supposed to be my home; I do not feel comfortable or safe, and when that's the case 24/7 for years, it adds up to a lot. It's not an issue with the home per se but an issue with me. First, I lived with an emotionally abusive stepfather for 5 years who had untreated bipolar disorder and would fall into violent fits of rage at random moments. Keep in mind that this happened as I was a kid. Although he is gone now, I believe I have a mild PTSD that can be triggered by things like a raised male adult voice (especially it's swearing) or opening or closing doors at my home. What doesn't help is that my mother found a new boyfriend who not only does both of these things all day, but also does nothing but whistle all day - I shit you not, he literally spends probably like 20% of his time awake whistling. It boggles my mind how a person can become like this but somehow he ended up living in my home. As a result, I live basically the same way as I did with the stepfather - always in my room with closed doors, afraid to ever come out, feeling stressed if the guy is anywhere around, even though I know logically that the new one is harmless (except for triggering my misophonia). Always on guard 24/7, to the point that I cannot force myself to relax the muscles in my body, let alone completely concentrate on something or meditate. Keep in mind that my mother knows about these issues very well but chose to ignore them because I guess she feels lonely without a man.
The third reason is my crippling inability to do things. I don't know if this is classified as ADHD, a symptom of depression, or something else. Probably all of it at once. I find it nearly impossible to force myself to do even basic things like hygiene or waking up until it becomes a very obvious and a very physical problem. That's not to even talk about being able to finish school (can you believe it? I'm still 19 and haven't finished high school! My past classmates are already far into college!) - right now I'm in an online school with a flexible course length and I've been "doing" a single semester of a single class for over a year now. How can I expect to get a job like this? How would I be able to provide for myself in the future assuming I do finish school and not kill myself? How would I ever survive in my own house if I do get one?
The fourth reason is that I firmly believe that it's a decision that I will not regret, or be able to regret, in any capacity. I used to be a Christian - and a serious Christian, the kind that takes science into account and connects it with the Bible without presuming that there are could be any contradictions. That was until I watched Dr. Robert Sapolsky's Human Behavioral Biology lectures and did more research, at which point I found the facts about how and why humans behave the way they do incompatible with religion. Inherent in this is also the realization that afterlife does not exist; the very existence of such a thing as thought is tied directly into the physical brain. These realizations came to me about 3 years ago and since then I had a very different opinion on suicide and death: it cannot be a bad thing for the individual because no suffering can exist after death. So, the only reason not to kill yourself is because you enjoy life, and that in turn is because you willingly succumb to your natural instincts to feel pleasure from certain things and to keep yourself alive. Now, most people succumb to this simply because they aren't aware of it - they just live their lives like normal fucking human beings and have nothing to complain about and love life as is - but for me it now has to be a deliberate choice. And for these 3 years, I chose to continue living because I still had hope of creating a life that is enjoyable - of coming to a point where waking up is not a problem and there are at least some things to look forward to. I gave myself every last chance I could but it only kept getting worse and as I learned more about the world and myself, I slowly realized that I have no control over my mental issues or shitty personality, that I would not act to fix it even if I knew how to, and that as I grew older, I would have new and harder challenges, all while not even being able to deal with things that middle schoolers have no problem with, so realistically there is zero chance of ever becoming an adequate person. That in itself is sad enough, but I also just don't want to live like this (and I know some other people would be ok with it), and since I know that ending my life will lead to no suffering, the choice to do so is logical.
There are other things that aren't really reasons for me to take my own life, they just make staying alive less appealing - like having clinical depression, living in a culture I despise and cannot relate to, and the fact that the world sucks and could be coming to an end because of human greed and willful ignorance. But that's not that important.
After years of thinking about it and learning more and more things, I made my final decision a week ago and gave myself this buffer time for SI to kick in if it does at all. I will try to ctb on August 8th 11:59 PM EST, about 25 hours since posting this (I'll keep this thread updated). August 8th also just so happens to be an anniversary of me coming to the US and also my dad's 50th birthday. My method is SN with no other substances. If it fails, it fails, whatever, I'll have another chance eventually. I don't mind sharing all this potentially private information - after all, I won't regret it ;)
I guess it's tradition to leave some final words so here are mine: "What did you expect?".
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