Venting My psychiatrist when I was a child told my mother and I that I would never be happy.

[blue94]

TW: besides obvious suicidal idelation, mentions of childhood SA. also wasn't sure if I should tag this as story or venting so sorry if its wrong.

I was like 7 or 8 I think when she sat me down and told me. I don't even remember having very alarming thoughts. I just had chronically low self esteem and was never a very happy child but I didn't understand the concept of suicide. I don't know what she saw in me that made her say that. After I was told I was a messed up child and that I'd never be happy, I remember the following summer I had the idea of drowing myself in the pool and attempted to do so at a hotel before my uncle noticed.

I didn't really become suicidal til 12 when my mother got a new boyfriend who was a pedophile. Blah blah he abused me and I got PTSD. And then I was further traumatized by my mother defending him and his words over me when I was 14 when I tried to testify against him to the CPS. Something broke inside me that day I think. My mother choosing a pedophile boyfriend over her own daughter.

I remembered recently my psychiatrist when I was 8 diagnosed me with Reactive Attachment Disorder but it was removed after she quit being my psych. Now I wonder if my mom really was unable to give me love growing up and maybe thats why I'm so suicidal. I think of suicide everyday. My father beat me, but my mom had to work all the time so she could never protect me from my father or her abusive boyfriends. Maybe that is why theres something wrong with me. I never got love as a child or felt protection.

I don't know why I want to CTB so badly. My life isn't perfect right now but its a lot better than other people who had CSA. I'm graduating soon, but I feel like my degree will be useless (in the life sciences) because I have no internship or research experience. I have no drug addictions and I'm fairly healthy physically. I won't be graduating with a lot of debt. I have some pretty good friends and even a boyfriend.

But I feel so unhappy. I always find something new that makes me want to kill myself. Whether it be my grades or my lack of internships, I feel worthless. I have been wanting to CTB so badly I feel bad venting to my boyfriend so I'm just rambling here I think because its not fair to him or my friends to burden them.

I feel like my day will be going fine, and I either feel like a dumbass comparing myself to other smart students, remember something traumatic and feel disgusting about myself, or feel utterly hopeless at future job prospects. I can't ever be happy. I can't sleep without dreaming of what would happen once I decide to CTB.

Sometimes I feel like she cursed me, or perhaps she knew I would never be a happy child. I wonder even if I wasn't abused, if I would still be depressed.

I am so tired of living. I want to CTB but I'm scared of failing. I'm also scared of making my loved ones suicidal too. I have a complicated relationship with my mom but I know she would die too if I chose to. And my BF would fall into deep depression because his bff also killed himself whwn he was younger. I feel like I'm living for the sake of others. I don't know what happiness feels like. I almost want to get back on anti psychotics so I can numb my feelings again. Its painful to have emotions.

 

[FuneralCry]

It really is so horrible how people continue to bring life into this hellish world especially when they treat the person so badly, it's disgusting how humans create so much harm. I do understand having the fear of failing ctb, we deserve to have the option to just leave this world in peace without worrying about that but anyway I wish you the best.

 

[Shadowlord900]

Wow... That's absolutely a bizarre thing for a psychiatrist to say, even if she was being brutally honest. I wonder if she was talked by the higher ups into quit being your psychiatrist (or being a psychiatrist in general) due to saying something that I would think psychiatrists would be advised against saying, no matter how honest it was.

I guess... Good on her for being honest? I personally would prefer such people being honest with me than giving me all the usual BS that "Oh don't worry, everything will turn out okay if you try to be positive!" Even if the honesty doesn't help much.

I'm also sorry for the crap childhood you had to go through. Sometimes it just isn't possible to mentally recover from such terrible pasts even if your current situation is far better than it used to be. That I can relate to.

 

[blue94]

Wow... That's absolutely a bizarre thing for a psychiatrist to say, even if she was being brutally honest. I wonder if she was talked by the higher ups into quit being your psychiatrist (or being a psychiatrist in general) due to saying something that I would think psychiatrists would be advised against saying, no matter how honest it was.

I guess... Good on her for being honest? I personally would prefer such people being honest with me than giving me all the usual BS that "Oh don't worry, everything will turn out okay if you try to be positive!" Even if the honesty doesn't help much.

I'm also sorry for the crap childhood you had to go through. Sometimes it just isn't possible to mentally recover from such terrible pasts even if your current situation is far better than it used to be. That I can relate to.

I misremembered I think. She was actually a therapist but yeah after she told me that she quit being my therapist and they said she moved away. I don't know if they were actually being honest with my mom and I or not, or maybe she was sick of seeing a mopey kid so she lied. I mostly saw her because I was depressed after not getting into the gifted program in like kindergarten (my mom was very disappointed in me for not getting in). The place arranged me with a new therapist pretty quickly so I imagine it was in the works for a while.

I guess it was good she was honest but my next therapist wasn't and got mad I wouldn't use DBT for my PTSD and suicidal thoughts..

 

[Shadowlord900]

I misremembered I think. She was actually a therapist but yeah after she told me that she quit being my therapist and they said she moved away. I don't know if they were actually being honest with my mom and I or not, or maybe she was sick of seeing a mopey kid so she lied. I mostly saw her because I was depressed after not getting into the gifted program in like kindergarten (my mom was very disappointed in me for not getting in). The place arranged me with a new therapist pretty quickly so I imagine it was in the works for a while.

I guess it was good she was honest but my next therapist wasn't and got mad I wouldn't use DBT for my PTSD and suicidal thoughts..

Psychiatrist, therapist, I don't see much difference between them. XD

Admittedly I haven't had much experience with either, but the only time one of them was helpful for me was when one of them managed to get me out of a pretty terrible middle school where I got bullied badly. The other few times were just pointless conversations that never gave me any answers. So yeah other than that one time, I never found them to be of any help either.

 

[6MillionWaystoDie]

I don't know if she was honest or not. I DO know HOWEVER that its UNACCEPTABLE for someone, especially a mother or a therapist to say such a thing to a young child. Hearing that alone, could permanently damage a child. That could be the reason you are here; not solely just because of all the trauma you've experienced. These words could have been the final nail in the coffin where a switch was flipped in your young mind. Children take things like this to heart and such statements are hard to reverse.

I'm sorry that you had to hear such a thing. I'm sorry you went through all of this.

Unfortunately most psychologists and psychiatrists are horrible. The majority of them are damaged human beings that enter the profession to fix themselves but unfortunately damage others in the process. I know a great psychologist who has openly discussed how incompetent many others are within the field. So if its any consulation please know that a therapist getting mad at you for not being open to a specific therapy, or therapists rendering you incurable is not a normal thing especially for someone so young. They are trained to try different things and work within the confines of the client's requests and beliefs. It's possible that the professionals you are dealing with are not a good match for you.

It sounds like you could possibly have CPTSD. It is very tough to overcome and much more intense than PTSD. Do some research on this and see if you can find a different specialist in this area. Even if you don't have that diagnosis, a specialist in that area would be the best equipped to deal with all of the traumas you mentioned. The sooner you find someone better equipped to help you, the greater chance for a positive outcome.

The one positive---(I'm sure there are other positives you haven't mentioned, in addition to being gifted or borderline gifted)--you have going for you is that you have a boyfriend. Hopefully, I assume its a healthy relationship. I think it's a great thing that you understand that it could be a burden to drop all your woes on him. That indicates both a healthiness and self-awareness that could be the key to you getting to a better place in the future.

My heart goes out to you. I can 100% relate to you and your situation.

 

[blue94]

I don't know if she was honest or not. I DO know HOWEVER that its UNACCEPTABLE for someone, especially a mother or a therapist to say such a thing to a young child. Hearing that alone, could permanently damage a child. That could be the reason you are here; not solely just because of all the trauma you've experienced. These words could have been the final nail in the coffin where a switch was flipped in your young mind. Children take things like this to heart and such statements are hard to reverse.

I'm sorry that you had to hear such a thing. I'm sorry you went through all of this.

Unfortunately most psychologists and psychiatrists are horrible. The majority of them are damaged human beings that enter the profession to fix themselves but unfortunately damage others in the process. I know a great psychologist who has openly discussed how incompetent many others are within the field. So if its any consulation please know that a therapist getting mad at you for not being open to a specific therapy, or therapists rendering you incurable is not a normal thing especially for someone so young. They are trained to try different things and work within the confines of the client's requests and beliefs. It's possible that the professionals you are dealing with are not a good match for you.

It sounds like you could possibly have CPTSD. It is very tough to overcome and much more intense than PTSD. Do some research on this and see if you can find a different specialist in this area. Even if you don't have that diagnosis, a specialist in that area would be the best equipped to deal with all of the traumas you mentioned. The sooner you find someone better equipped to help you, the greater chance for a positive outcome.

The one positive---(I'm sure there are other positives you haven't mentioned, in addition to being gifted or borderline gifted)--you have going for you is that you have a boyfriend. Hopefully, I assume its a healthy relationship. I think it's a great thing that you understand that it could be a burden to drop all your woes on him. That indicates both a healthiness and self-awareness that could be the key to you getting to a better place in the future.

My heart goes out to you. I can 100% relate to you and your situation.

thank you for the advice. i did emdr i think at one point and it helped a bit but i never saw any therapist who focused on trauma after that because i had to move. no one has ever told me about cptsd before so i will look into it. thank you