Monkeyman
Member
- Dec 27, 2022
- 47
I've felt terrible for a long long time now, honestly I think my life has been pretty bad since childhood (though I was definitely happier back then), but I didn't consider CTB as an option until later in life. Whenever I told people my troubles I'd get told I'm "strong" or something like that, but it was definitelly just stubbornness and stupidity.
I did eventually end up trying. All but the first attempt led to things getting worse and more people abandoning me. I guess in a way that should make me less hesitant to do it for fear of worrying others, since it just shows how I don't really matter overall...
As for why I want to CTB, I think if I went into every reason this post would be pretty cluttered and it's a bit beside the point either way. But most people here would sympathize anyway, I imagine. I made three attempts, and it was before I knew much about methods, which is probably why they failed since I didn't really know how to make it work.
First time, I tried hanging. It followed a particularly nasty fight with my mother, who's a self-centered narcissistic sack of crap. She physically threatened me and then almost broke my knee, all while lying to my face that I attacked her as if she could change reality or whatever. It was just the two of us in the house and she was the one who lunged at me, so it's not like she was trying to make it look to someone else like I was in the blame since there was no one around, and she lied right as it was happening. Was this a terribly dumb attempt at gaslighting? Who knows. Anyway, it took some days and I took the rash decision to try to CTB. I say it was rash because I was unprepared and didn't really think things through, not because I shouldn't have tried it at all. It was a pretty bad attempt at hanging, and SI kicked in and I ended up hesitating and ruining everything. Didn't seem so bad at the time since I just gave up then and thought I'd just keep powering on like always.
The second time was also a hanging attempt. This one was right around the beginning of the Covid pandemic, and I made some basic research but apparently not enough. It wasn't long after I got unemployed - I had been working as a teacher for two years, but it was a temporary contract which I knew wouldn't last forever (though I wished they'd want to renew it, I knew not to keep expectations) and Covid basically ruined my job searches. A "friend" found out about the CTB attempt and insulted me for it, saying I just do things for attention and I don't have anything to offer otherwise. Now, she wasn't a very good friend even before this, there had been some cases you could almost call bullying, but this was a new low and I can't say it didn't hurt me. I cut all contact with her after that and she gladly went on to pretend I never even existed.
I'm not sure if the hanging failed because I got the wrong kind of rope or my knot wasn't good enough, but anyway that was it for the method for me. Some of my friends tried to calm me down afterwards and help me feel better, and later they even got me into therapy (lack of money was a big reason for me not to seek professional help, but they helped me with that). Therapy actually helped me for a while, I started taking meds and recovering from depression, until eventually I didn't even need the meds anymore. It wasn't all roses from then on, though - my psychiatrist warned me that despite medication making me feel a bit better, I wouldn't really recover fully unless I got rid of the things that made me feel this way (family troubles, unemployment etc).
My third attempt was in March 2022. I was in a (supposedly) healthy relationship by then and earlier that month we completed 1 year together. But I was still not managing to get a new job and still had those growing family tensions. I felt like a burden, but didn't want to disappoint my friends or my partner. He had almost tried to CTB one year before and it was mostly because of me that he didn't (or at least that's what he said - he said I "saved his life"). I saw him cutting himself and neglecting to eat, I spent days and nights without sleep trying to take care of him.
But I was already feeling terrible and considering CTB around the end of '21 (by that time it had been many months after that partner's breakdown). I didn't want to do it, but I couldn't stop that feeling of helplessness, of having no future ahead, and that I was just holding back the people who cared about me (or that I thought cared). Then the final catalyst was another fight with my mother where she pretty much confirmed all those insecurities of mine. She straight up called me useless and, really, I agreed. So when she was gone, I sent goodbye messages to some people I believed deserved to know what I was doing and tried to CTB by taking a bunch of pills I still had lying around.
Needless to say that was a terrible method because of how "in the moment" that was and how unplanned and unprepared the whole thing was. All that happened was I vomited a lot and slept (passed out?) for most of the rest of the day. And now, I think it's obvious that the aftermath of all those attempts was always filled with shame. I felt shameful for trying, for failing, it was always a mix of all those feelings.
The next day I saw that my then-partner had actually decided to break up with me because of that. By message. While I was unconscious. He didn't want to know what happened, didn't care, when I tried to talk to him he straight up said it didn't matter. Then he said I had no future and that I was treating him like a doormat... I don't know what he meant with that last one. If anything, he was the one who treated me like crap then and during the months after... but that's another story and I don't want to derail this.
Things didn't really get better after that. Still had family troubles, my mother found out about my CTB attempts but just used it as ammo to make me feel worse before pretending nothing ever happened. I got a new job some time later but it's a terrible one, it makes me lose faith in humanity even more than before.
So my family treats me like crap, I don't know which of my friends I can really trust, I can't land a decent job, and even someone who claims to love me can discard me out of nowhere... I really don't know what other alternative I have. I don't have the will to do anything anymore and it's been like this for a long long time. I'll be ordering SN tonight and making actual preparations so that this time I'm gone for good, and I know I won't be missed.
Just needed to get this off my chest. Thanks to anyone who actually read all the way through.
I did eventually end up trying. All but the first attempt led to things getting worse and more people abandoning me. I guess in a way that should make me less hesitant to do it for fear of worrying others, since it just shows how I don't really matter overall...
As for why I want to CTB, I think if I went into every reason this post would be pretty cluttered and it's a bit beside the point either way. But most people here would sympathize anyway, I imagine. I made three attempts, and it was before I knew much about methods, which is probably why they failed since I didn't really know how to make it work.
First time, I tried hanging. It followed a particularly nasty fight with my mother, who's a self-centered narcissistic sack of crap. She physically threatened me and then almost broke my knee, all while lying to my face that I attacked her as if she could change reality or whatever. It was just the two of us in the house and she was the one who lunged at me, so it's not like she was trying to make it look to someone else like I was in the blame since there was no one around, and she lied right as it was happening. Was this a terribly dumb attempt at gaslighting? Who knows. Anyway, it took some days and I took the rash decision to try to CTB. I say it was rash because I was unprepared and didn't really think things through, not because I shouldn't have tried it at all. It was a pretty bad attempt at hanging, and SI kicked in and I ended up hesitating and ruining everything. Didn't seem so bad at the time since I just gave up then and thought I'd just keep powering on like always.
The second time was also a hanging attempt. This one was right around the beginning of the Covid pandemic, and I made some basic research but apparently not enough. It wasn't long after I got unemployed - I had been working as a teacher for two years, but it was a temporary contract which I knew wouldn't last forever (though I wished they'd want to renew it, I knew not to keep expectations) and Covid basically ruined my job searches. A "friend" found out about the CTB attempt and insulted me for it, saying I just do things for attention and I don't have anything to offer otherwise. Now, she wasn't a very good friend even before this, there had been some cases you could almost call bullying, but this was a new low and I can't say it didn't hurt me. I cut all contact with her after that and she gladly went on to pretend I never even existed.
I'm not sure if the hanging failed because I got the wrong kind of rope or my knot wasn't good enough, but anyway that was it for the method for me. Some of my friends tried to calm me down afterwards and help me feel better, and later they even got me into therapy (lack of money was a big reason for me not to seek professional help, but they helped me with that). Therapy actually helped me for a while, I started taking meds and recovering from depression, until eventually I didn't even need the meds anymore. It wasn't all roses from then on, though - my psychiatrist warned me that despite medication making me feel a bit better, I wouldn't really recover fully unless I got rid of the things that made me feel this way (family troubles, unemployment etc).
My third attempt was in March 2022. I was in a (supposedly) healthy relationship by then and earlier that month we completed 1 year together. But I was still not managing to get a new job and still had those growing family tensions. I felt like a burden, but didn't want to disappoint my friends or my partner. He had almost tried to CTB one year before and it was mostly because of me that he didn't (or at least that's what he said - he said I "saved his life"). I saw him cutting himself and neglecting to eat, I spent days and nights without sleep trying to take care of him.
But I was already feeling terrible and considering CTB around the end of '21 (by that time it had been many months after that partner's breakdown). I didn't want to do it, but I couldn't stop that feeling of helplessness, of having no future ahead, and that I was just holding back the people who cared about me (or that I thought cared). Then the final catalyst was another fight with my mother where she pretty much confirmed all those insecurities of mine. She straight up called me useless and, really, I agreed. So when she was gone, I sent goodbye messages to some people I believed deserved to know what I was doing and tried to CTB by taking a bunch of pills I still had lying around.
Needless to say that was a terrible method because of how "in the moment" that was and how unplanned and unprepared the whole thing was. All that happened was I vomited a lot and slept (passed out?) for most of the rest of the day. And now, I think it's obvious that the aftermath of all those attempts was always filled with shame. I felt shameful for trying, for failing, it was always a mix of all those feelings.
The next day I saw that my then-partner had actually decided to break up with me because of that. By message. While I was unconscious. He didn't want to know what happened, didn't care, when I tried to talk to him he straight up said it didn't matter. Then he said I had no future and that I was treating him like a doormat... I don't know what he meant with that last one. If anything, he was the one who treated me like crap then and during the months after... but that's another story and I don't want to derail this.
Things didn't really get better after that. Still had family troubles, my mother found out about my CTB attempts but just used it as ammo to make me feel worse before pretending nothing ever happened. I got a new job some time later but it's a terrible one, it makes me lose faith in humanity even more than before.
So my family treats me like crap, I don't know which of my friends I can really trust, I can't land a decent job, and even someone who claims to love me can discard me out of nowhere... I really don't know what other alternative I have. I don't have the will to do anything anymore and it's been like this for a long long time. I'll be ordering SN tonight and making actual preparations so that this time I'm gone for good, and I know I won't be missed.
Just needed to get this off my chest. Thanks to anyone who actually read all the way through.
