My (potentially deserved) reasons why I’ve come here

[burntfatvirgin]

I shared this story, my bus ticket in to this forum, elsewhere and probably stupidly so, especially since I don't want to be admitted as an inpatient anywhere.

I've had a rare illness that has caused my mobility to completely deteriorate over the last five years. I see little to no hope of improvement. All I have is my parents for help since I have no siblings, no IRL friends, and no partner. They're in their sixties and I feel like I'm literally killing them every time I have to go to the bathroom, and honestly having my ass wiped at 27 is fucking humiliating. I have no job, no real skills, and no motivation whatsoever. My condition causes my feet to burn and be hot to the touch until I'm in screaming pain, which makes pushing myself through the pain in therapy seem futile as my flares worsen. I know even my parents resent me, but they want me alive because they've come to hate each other (perhaps they always have, and I'm a 'save the marriage' baby).

My life wasn't any better before this. I was bullied in grade school until I was so resigned to being rejected that I barely tried socially in high school (my fault, I know), and then when I tried harder in college, my best friend ended up being an 'empath' that diagnosed me with autism (probably true, but I didn't appreciate it), and told me everyone hated me and I was socially inept beyond repair because I wasn't good at eye contact, thinking before I spoke, not entering conversation with non sequitars, or not being on my iPad during conversation. All true, but coming from a girl who wanted to adopt 'downsie pups' (Down syndrome babies), regularly told stories about rape in a humorous context, and constantly used shared lectures to undermine my contributions, I think my mistakes were not necessarily warranting the treatment I received. It doesn't help that I was depressed and didn't help enough with our apartment (not "pee bottles and unwashed" bad, more "not contributing much other than paying rent and for the internet/cable package"). Maybe it was all deserved, though.

My brain seems as irrevocably broken as my body. I have online friends but I'm sure if we met in person, I'd ruin that too. I've never had a romantic adult relationship. I haven't even lost my virginity and now that's impossible, because I'd either flare up or my potential partner wouldn't want my overweight, unshowered body near them. I was thin and had a beautiful body until this all started five years ago. Probably an ugly face or personality, plus being too picky is why I stayed a virgin. I'm extremely delusional in some ways, and hiring a prostitute would make me feel like the used one, because I can't handle sex without love, as I learned from my sole blowjob. Once my parents die (my mom is already 67, and my dad 65), I have nothing and no one to live for. I don't know if I can go through with suicide, but I wish I had options instead of living in a world so hostile to the idea of life being a choice.

I might get a lumbar sympathetic block, but after a week of lidocaine infusion didn't work, it's hard to be hopeful. But I'm sick of hearing how suicide is not an option and I'd be better off with a therapist, or at a mental institution where no one could treat my feet with ice around the clock the way my family does, and I'd be forced to eat food I hate because they'd throw in that I have an eating disorder when I just hate the taste of most food (Maybe ARFID, idk). I've lived like Sisyphus pushing a rock up a hill for the last five years, and I don't see what warrants this punishment. I'm sick of advice from neurotypical people or those who have never been suicidal, about always having hope and how suicide is for cowards and how much it'd hurt my parents. The last point is the only one that gives me pause, and sometimes they say such hurtful things when I frustrate them with my depression. In the end, they'll eventually die first and leave me all alone or in some awful group home when I'm in my thirties, forties, or best-case scenario, fifties. I'm just at a very fragile breaking point and I hate the world for rejecting me and then trying to stop me from choosing not to live with bad brain chemistry and worse nerves. If I deserved everything that's happened to me, if it's all been karma, it's hard to believe I haven't done anything good enough that it wouldn't eventually warrant some god, especially the God I grew up with, taking my life. It'd be even hard to believe I deserve to live.

Sometimes I wonder if I even deserve to feel this way, when I know so many other people in my own country are suffering so much more. Another, worse part of me thinks killing myself might get back at all the doctors who've ignored my pain in life since I was a young black female who was healthy enough on paper beforehand. And don't tell me about my diet. I took vitamin pills that were prescribed or at least proven in studies to be substitutes, if not sufficient ones, and plenty of people who eat like me (no meat, fruit and limited vegetables) are mobile and not in constant pain, even if they aren't exactly the ideal. The only reason this might have happened is from a knee fracture I had, and even CRPS, which is linked to erythromelalgia, is extremely rare. It feels like luck or karma or the universe working against me. Or that the way sometimes things just happen indicates an even worse cruelty of existence.

Again, I'm not sure I'm in the right place. Maybe I need my mind sorted out, even though I'm on multiple antidepressants. Maybe there's still hope for me. For the time being, here I am.

 

[Seven Threads]

Hey there. Welcome to the community. I know this probably sounds odd, given the circumstances, but we're glad to see you here. Really. I'd say you're definitely in the right place, and whatever you decide to explore here or choose to do about your circumstances in the end, reaching out and getting involved here was probably the right choice. Nobody should have to go through what you're going through alone. If nothing else, at least a lot of the folks on this forum can understand.

Also, while we're on the subject of understanding, there is one element of what you've said that I would like to push back on a little bit. You know this isn't your fault, right? You didn't choose the circumstances of your birth, or the quirks of biology or genetics that led to your current physical condition. You didn't choose your brain, the arrangement of neurons and chemistry that, in combination with your formative experiences make it easier or harder for you to relate and adapt in ways that may have been beneficial or given you more social prospects. And you definitely did not choose the burden of expectation placed on you by their parents to 'save' their marriage. None of this is your fault.

Now, are there things you maybe could have done differently at certain points? Certainly. But that would have required overcoming a host of significant impairments and disadvantages that made even functioning at a basic level much harder for you than for other people. I mean, sure, you tie a rock to the back of a frog, it can probably still jump. Maybe it can even swim. But can you really blame it for not wanting to, or for maybe avoiding the pond on account of the big ol' rock on its back? If that frog lays down and starves to death, you don't blame the frog and call it lazy or say it did anything wrong. You blame whatever jerk-ass tied a damn rock to its back and hobbled it in the first place.

None of this is intended to undermine the severity of your situation. I don't have an answer for the circumstances in which you find yourself, nor would I even attempt to give one. I have no idea how I'd be able to handle being reliant on care provided by people who I feel resent me, let alone the reality that even they probably won't be able to do so much longer. I can't speak to chronic pain or the lack of relief. But I can try and tell you to be kind to yourself. There are more than enough people already who are going to blame you personally for the circumstances in which you find yourself (and plenty who already have). Don't be one of them. You deserved much better than this, just on account of being human.

In any case, I think you'll find the folks here on this forum to be incredibly supportive, and a good majority of them have some understanding of what you're going through, even if their individual circumstances might be different. You've found the right place. And I hope that, in being here, you find what you need to move forward and address what you're going through. You're very much welcome here.