Venting My plans changed quite... Drastically

[Tired_M]

So as mentioned in another thread, I ordered my SN a few hours ago. I was planning to CTB right when I received it and the Meto. I went in the bathroom for a shower and to brush my teeth, ready to go back on my laptop to order some Meto... And anxiety hit me hard. Real hard. I freaked out, grabbed my laptop, canceled my SN order and bursted into tears. (Hmmm precocious SI maybe? Ugh)

I called my family, like I automatically do when I have a panic attack, told them I needed to go back home, and I'll explain them everything (not really). Keep in mind I've never seen a therapist, never tried medications, I haven't done anything (because of several fears).

I told my parents about my feelings, my suicidal thoughts, the fact that "I almost did a mistake". They understood that I wanted to CTB, but I didn't tell them how, nor that I did today (ordering SN).

I have an appointment with my doctor tomorrow. So yeah, I guess I'll give therapy a try. I'm not very optimistic tho, and I'm still suicidal af (a single little chat won't change a depressed mind). But we'll see.

I'll still be able to buy SN whenever I need to. I have my exit door still available. Now let's see what's the future has in store for me.

 

[alexithymia]

It sounds like you did the right thing, friend. I'm proud of you for not only taking the steps to call your parents but also to seek help. You're right, you have all the time in the world to CTB if that is what you choose. There's no harm in giving this whole life thing a try—again, if that is what you so choose.

 

[LonelyLight]

Very best of luck with your visit to the doctor, I hope you feel some kind of weight lifted now that you are seeking professional help. It is a very brave thing to do.
At least SN isn't so hard to get so as you said you can always go back to that idea, but I reckon you should give yourself a shot at recovery and take on board what the doctor says.
I'd like to hear how it all goes for you after your appointment tomorrow if you'd be willing to share. Not the details of course, just how your feeling after the first step.
Once again, best of luck, I'll be thinking of you!

 

[Tired_M]

It sounds like you did the right thing, friend. I'm proud of you for not only taking the steps to call your parents but also to seek help. You're right, you have all the time in the world to CTB if that is what you choose. There's no harm in giving this whole life thing a try—again, if that is what you so choose.

Thank you very much. It felt like a huge step for me, but yeah. And you're right, someone told me the same thing earlier today, I can always give it a try. I wasn't expecting changing my plans after going on a pro-life forum, but looks like life is full of surprises.

Very best of luck with your visit to the doctor, I hope you feel some kind of weight lifted now that you are seeking professional help. It is a very brave thing to do.
At least SN isn't so hard to get so as you said you can always go back to that idea, but I reckon you should give yourself a shot at recovery and take on board what the doctor says.
I'd like to hear how it all goes for you after your appointment tomorrow if you'd be willing to share. Not the details of course, just how your feeling after the first step.
Once again, best of luck, I'll be thinking of you!

Thanks you. I feel pretty strange to be honest, still suicidal, still depressed, exhausted because of my anxiolytics, but curious to see what will happen next, I guess. Yes, I still have a way to CTB. But I guess I'll give "the basics" (Therapy and medications) a shot. And I will keep you updated if you want to, yes! It's always good to have some support. Thank you

 

[LonelyLight]

Thank you very much. It felt like a huge step for me, but yeah. And you're right, someone told me the same thing earlier today, I can always give it a try. I wasn't expecting changing my plans after going on a pro-life forum, but looks like life is full of surprises.



Thanks you. I feel pretty strange to be honest, still suicidal, still depressed, exhausted because of my anxiolytics, but curious to see what will happen next, I guess. Yes, I still have a way to CTB. But I guess I'll give "the basics" (Therapy and medications) a shot. And I will keep you updated if you want to, yes! It's always good to have some support. Thank you

Well, it won't be an overnight fix of course, but it's the first day of a new road for you I hope! And yes please do keep us updated, looking forward to hearing how it goes for you

 

[Tired_M]

Hi, here's an update on my situation:

My family called my doctor early this morning, and they recommended me to go to the nearest psychiatric hospital to see a psychiatrist. I went there, saw a psychiatrist, made their first diagnosis: depression and generalized anxiety disorder (what I was expecting). They respected my will not to be hospitalized and gave me meds. I have an appointment next week with the same psychiatrist to talk and push the examination further, then I'll see another psychiatrist for aftercare.

Now it's time for me to wait and see how everything will evolve. Thanks for the wishes

 

[LonelyLight]

Hi, here's an update on my situation:

My family called my doctor early this morning, and they recommended me to go to the nearest psychiatric hospital to see a psychiatrist. I went there, saw a psychiatrist, made their first diagnosis: depression and generalized anxiety disorder (what I was expecting). They respected my will not to be hospitalized and gave me meds. I have an appointment next week with the same psychiatrist to talk and push the examination further, then I'll see another psychiatrist for aftercare.

Now it's time for me to wait and see how everything will evolve. Thanks for the wishes

Well done on this first step! You should be proud of yourself! Depression and GAD are what I was also diagnosed with on my first Dr visit too for my MH. If you ever want to chat, I'm here

 

[CrushedHopes]

If you don't mind me asking, OP, how dedicated are you to CTB? And where would you do it?

 

[Bulletwbttrflywings]

So as mentioned in another thread, I ordered my SN a few hours ago. I was planning to CTB right when I received it and the Meto. I went in the bathroom for a shower and to brush my teeth, ready to go back on my laptop to order some Meto... And anxiety hit me hard. Real hard. I freaked out, grabbed my laptop, canceled my SN order and bursted into tears. (Hmmm precocious SI maybe? Ugh)

I called my family, like I automatically do when I have a panic attack, told them I needed to go back home, and I'll explain them everything (not really). Keep in mind I've never seen a therapist, never tried medications, I haven't done anything (because of several fears).

I told my parents about my feelings, my suicidal thoughts, the fact that "I almost did a mistake". They understood that I wanted to CTB, but I didn't tell them how, nor that I did today (ordering SN).

I have an appointment with my doctor tomorrow. So yeah, I guess I'll give therapy a try. I'm not very optimistic tho, and I'm still suicidal af (a single little chat won't change a depressed mind). But we'll see.

I'll still be able to buy SN whenever I need to. I have my exit door still available. Now let's see what's the future has in store for me.

Hugs... may it be a beautiful new start. It takes a lot of courage to confess, be proud you did. Know you still have a safe place here but embrace life to the fullest so there are no regrets in the end.
Hugs

 

[Tired_M]

If you don't mind me asking, OP, how dedicated are you to CTB? And where would you do it?

CTB is for me the only way to end my life. I don't wanna get old and sick and even more depressed. I know I'll CTB no matter what. Right now I still really want to CTB, but my friends and family asked me to at least give therapy and medication a try. I guess I will, but if I see that it's not working, I'm getting my SN. Also I'll do it in my own place, I'm not financially independant and I don't want to waste some money that isn't mind into going to a nice place. I just need a bed to lay in after all.

Well done on this first step! You should be proud of yourself! Depression and GAD are what I was also diagnosed with on my first Dr visit too for my MH. If you ever want to chat, I'm here

Thanks, it's good to know there's some people out there who went through something similar and could chat with me whenever I feel lost!

Hugs... may it be a beautiful new start. It takes a lot of courage to confess, be proud you did. Know you still have a safe place here but embrace life to the fullest so there are no regrets in the end.

Thanks you, it really means a lot to have some support, this forum is really a nice place

 

[woxihuanni]

I don't know how old you are, but emotional reliance on family fucked up many lives before. Good luck.

 

[Tired_M]

I don't know how old you are, but emotional reliance on family fucked up many lives before. Good luck.

I'm 19. I know I can't 100% rely on others and I don't want to depend on them or hurt them by putting all my suffering on them, like they're a crutch. I'm gonna talk to my psychiatrist about that, I want independence at all costs, but I'll keep what you said in mind, cause I see what you mean by that.

 

[woxihuanni]

I'm 19. I know I can't 100% rely on others and I don't want to depend on them or hurt them by putting all my suffering on them, like they're a crutch. I'm gonna talk to my psychiatrist about that, I want independence at all costs, but I'll keep what you said in mind, cause I see what you mean by that.

Hope your doctor turns out to be helpful. Meanwhile dont ever be shy about seeking support here!

 

[SinisterKid]

Just remember, medication takes time to work, often 6-8 weeks, no instant fix if they work at all, but worth trying. Therapy is the same. Short term, it eases the load. Long term, you need to do the hard miles putting techniques into practice and doing things that make you feel better about yourself and the world around you. You put the effort in, you get the rewards. You do little, you get little back.

Best of luck, I sincerely hope it all works out for you and you find a level that enables you to have a long and happy life. Please do keep us updated of progress, good and bad.

 

[Jean4]

We love and support you no matter what. I am glad you are giving medication and therapy a try. If it works, great! If it doesn't, we will be here for you. If you do decide to CTB being that you tried meds and therapy, it will may help your parents with the pain.

 

[trynacbt]

I'm 19. I know I can't 100% rely on others and I don't want to depend on them or hurt them by putting all my suffering on them, like they're a crutch. I'm gonna talk to my psychiatrist about that, I want independence at all costs, but I'll keep what you said in mind, cause I see what you mean by that.

OP, you are young, use this support while you can. I too found myself in your situation a few years ago. I was unable to develop independence and that's landed me here now at 23. But I am happy to hear that you are giving yourself that shot. You deserve it.

 

[Rising Phoenix]

So as mentioned in another thread, I ordered my SN a few hours ago. I was planning to CTB right when I received it and the Meto. I went in the bathroom for a shower and to brush my teeth, ready to go back on my laptop to order some Meto... And anxiety hit me hard. Real hard. I freaked out, grabbed my laptop, canceled my SN order and bursted into tears. (Hmmm precocious SI maybe? Ugh)

I called my family, like I automatically do when I have a panic attack, told them I needed to go back home, and I'll explain them everything (not really). Keep in mind I've never seen a therapist, never tried medications, I haven't done anything (because of several fears).

I told my parents about my feelings, my suicidal thoughts, the fact that "I almost did a mistake". They understood that I wanted to CTB, but I didn't tell them how, nor that I did today (ordering SN).

I have an appointment with my doctor tomorrow. So yeah, I guess I'll give therapy a try. I'm not very optimistic tho, and I'm still suicidal af (a single little chat won't change a depressed mind). But we'll see.

I'll still be able to buy SN whenever I need to. I have my exit door still available. Now let's see what's the future has in store for me.

You have to try medications. Some people greatly benefit from them. Don't fool yourself chemicals and neurotransmitters play an integral roll in depression. It's worth a shot. You only get one life.

 

[Tired_M]

Thanks you two, I'll stick to my meds and see what my psychiatrist has to suggest to me. I started taking them today, hoping to see some changes in 2 months. I also hope that my very low self-esteem (which made me feel suicidal before depression hit me hard) won't force me to make some impulsive decisions... Thank you for your encouragment and support tho

 

[trynacbt]

Low self-esteem is a b i t c h. I hope therapy can be helpful to you for that, if you are in therapy ...

 

[Tired_M]

Low self-esteem is a b i t c h. I hope therapy can be helpful to you for that, if you are in therapy ...

Gee it is. I've literally never ever liked myself, what I was doing, how I was behaving, etc... UGH. Anyway, yes, I'll start therapy next week with a new psychiatrist. Then I'll also see a psychologist.