Venting My plans are a mess, everything is choas🫠

[OT8]

I am planning my suicide for a long time now.
I survived 23 attempts, the first one when I was 8, I am 32 now. My last attempt was a year ago.
As of this time I want to do everything right, there are many things I have to consider.

The first one are the suicide notes.
I started writing a journal with quotes and thoughts, so everyone who reads this might have a better understanding of why this happened.
I also wrote some handwritten personal letters to the people closest to me. I put them in envelopes and sealed them with wax.
For my dearest friends, I made cards with a Quija Board and the sentence "Lets keep in touch" (I think its funny so idc) and added a poloroid picture of us together.
I also made a document with detailed instructions on my bank account, passwords, social securitys and stuff like that.
I would love to make a video but I feel super awkward in front of the camera and I can't bear to see myself. I feel like I would have to at least put on some make up and some clothes other than a dirty tshirt and sweatpants and that is just too much for me.
Writing these letters took me a loooong time and I'm not even finished, thats because most of the time I feel absolutely empty and I don't care at all about what happens after I'm gone. So I only have limited time frames for when I feel super guilty to do this kind of stuff.
I'm thinking about also leaving personal notes for my friends, because they totally deserve that, but I just can't bring myself to write like 15 more notes and I really don't know what to write either. Will everyone get the same one? Is this fair? What if I forget someone? My head is a whole mess and I can't figure out a solution.

The second thing is my stuff that I leave behind.
I know that I could just not care about it because I (hopefully) won't be here anymore anyways. But weirdly enough I somehow do care. I can't sell all of my stuff because it would be very obvious that something is going on and I honestly want to keep the things I love and not feel even worse. Packing everything up and selling stuff would be easier for my family, but I don't want to spend my last months without the stuff I love and in an emty flat. So I thought about giving some instructions on voluntary basis. Like please donate x/y, throw away x/y and give x/y to the following person.
This all is so hard to figure out, I wish I had some one I could talk about those things...

I already wrote down what I want for my funeral, sadly as I don't have any money, I cannot pay for it. But my mom has a savings account from me that she keeps for emergencies, so I will tell her to use the money to cover hopefully some of the costs.

Now the only thing I have to do is wait for all my orders to arrive, thats the only reason I'm still here. I don't want my family to be responsible for my group orders from korea and Japan, even if I have everything in an sheet and explained, I just can't let them handle all the stuff, its just not fair.
So here I am waiting. I have approximately about two more months to get through every day. Tavor helps but its a lot to do tbh.

All I care about is my family and friends and what they feel like after I'm gone. Luckily it won't be a surprise, as I've been in and out of hospital and on suicide watch for months and everyone near me knows that I plan to do it, they just don't talk about it, which is totally okay for me. They all know what I'm going through, I openly communicate my thoughts instead of acting, because I have the hope, that it hurts a tiny bit less if they knew what was coming and how miserable I was.

About the act itself, I read through this forum for days which was so incredibly helpful! I now know what I did wrong in the past and why all of my attempts failed.
As much as I wish to do it with Na or overdose on something, its just not possible to get those things where I live.
So I bought a 10m, 12mm polypropylene rope. I really want to do full suspension hanging but then I'd have to leave my flat and go outside, I'm not sure if I can do that. So I'll try out partial hanging, in hopes that this works out. I'm not sure about the details yet but I'm working on it every day.

Thank you for listening to my rambling, feedback is very welcome and sorry for the chaos.

 

[moralfag]

My heart broke hearing everything you have to deal with, that sounds like a lot. I've only attempted three times, but I understand how disappointing it is to fail. I failed each of mine as well.
I just wanted to write to let you know that I can tell you're very thoughtful and caring to the people around you. Everyone has their own life, so I can't say I fully understand what it's like to be in your shoes, but hearing about how you have written letters and planned to pass on saving money to help cover costs made me feel incredibly disappointed that life has led such a kind person down this path. I hope whatever happens that you're able to find peace. You will always have a place here, and I will be keeping you in my thoughts, anon. Never apologize for sharing your experiences here, even though we are just strangers on the internet, I care about you a lot.
Take care, I'm wishing you the best...