My plan with SN

[Onelegman]

Well, there is no turning back, it has been decided and I want to do it, even if it hurts a little I will endure it.

Following the example of other people at SaSu, I would like to share with you my plan.

But not before thanking the SaSu community for everything. Finding a place like this on the Internet, open and without taboos to talk about how bad one feels, about one's most reprehensible desires for a society poisoned to the roots, was a stroke of luck. I have learned many things, I have been able to tell my experience, advise some and say goodbye to others, I even made some friends. It bothers me that I can't offer something equivalent in return, just words don't seem enough to me... so thank you, thank you very much for being here, for responding, for listening and for helping in every way possible. This community is necessary, please do not let it disappear until the world is completely healed.

I'm waiting for the SN to arrive, it's a reliable source so I don't think there will be any problems with the shipping. I already have the rest of the things.

I have rented an Airbnb for the 29th of this month. It has everything you need, a toilet in case I vomit, a bed and a sofa, wifi and air conditioning. I will thoroughly clean glasses and spoons and warn them to do it again or throw everything away to avoid risks.

I have to make up some excuse for my parents, who I live with, when I go out there. I don't want to spend 6 hours in that place without being able to eat or drink, without a computer, just with my cell phone... but I have to do it this way or they will get suspicious. I have made a playlist with more than 6 hours of music to at least keep me happy while I wait.

Backpack:
SN 500g
Metoclopramide 10 mg 3 pills
Lorazepam 1 mg 4 pills
Zolpidem 10mg 2 pills
Anafranil (clomipramine) 25 mg 1 pill
Phone charger
Paper and pen to leave notices to the owners
Mortar and pestle
Weighing machine
Bowl for weighing the SN
Speaker and usb with music
Mp3 and headphones for when I sleep with the SN

I think that's all I need, if anyone can think of anything else that I may have forgotten or that would be useful to keep me entertained or help me with the whole thing, I'd be happy to read it.

I will use the 48h method

Day 1

11:00h - 1 X 10 mg Metoclopramide
19:00h - 1 X 10 mg Metoclopramide
3:00h - 1 X 10 mg Metoclopramide

Day 2

11:00h - 1 X 10 mg Metoclopramide
15:30 - 16:00 h - Last meal.
19:00h - 1 X 10 mg Metoclopramide
2:00h - 1000 mg of paracetamol.
2:15h - 3 X 10 mg Metoclopramide + 25 mg clomipramine under the tongue
2:40h - (Crushed) 4 mg Lorazepam + 20 mg zolpidem
3:00h - 25 g SN drink

Any advice on this?

Being in my room, where I spend most of the day, I don't feel any fear, outside my mind begins to ruminate, but I won't back down. When the time comes I will mix it like someone stirring a medicine that dissolves in water and I will drink it. I will play the mp3 and lie down to wait for the symptoms, nausea, irrational panic... I will hug the pillow and scream to release tension, I will refuse to call an ambulance, because the pain will be temporary, the fear will be temporary, enduring what enough I will achieve my purpose, which has more value than anything else.

There's still until that day, so I guess I'll take advantage of the thread to tell a little about my life later. I would like to be able to use my phone and narrate what I am doing and feeling, but it is very likely that once I ingest benzo and hypnotics my mind will become lazy, but I will try. And since there will be traces of it, I will say it now:

No one has forced me to take this path, no one has coerced or incited me to do so. Those who know me well know my history, this is my wish, mine and onloy mine. I want to end my life, it is mine and I have that right to choose whether to abandon it. I can't stand this world anymore, living with pain and feelings that cause me great regret, and that is why I am leaving. That's all.

 

[rozeske]

I am so sorry for all you had to go through in your life. I wish you the best in finding the peace you search for

 

[FuneralCry]

I hope that you find freedom from all the suffering, best wishes.

 

[sugarh1gh]

I hope everything goes as planned, so you can finally meet the peace and freedom you wanted.

 

[Alexei_Kirillov]

Why choose an AirBnb instead of a hotel? I'd be concerned about the owner of the house having to personally deal with your dead body...

 

[Onelegman]

Why choose an AirBnb instead of a hotel? I'd be concerned about the owner of the house having to personally deal with your dead body...

All the hotels I found were very expensive and depressing, they were not welcoming but cold, some hotels even did not have a bathroom in the room, but a common one in the hallway. more than €100 to piss in the hallway!!! We are crazy? hahaha I wanted a quiet place, with a bathroom that would allow you to vomit if necessary, Wi-Fi and air conditioning. Many hotels have an air conditioning duct in the ceiling and blow air into all the rooms, there is no way to regulate it, it is as if you connect a tube to a fan and give air to 20 rooms on the same floor, it really is of no use. . And the Wi-Fi is terrible in hotels, I suppose you have experienced it on some occasion.

On Airbnb I have a whole house, not very big, but cozy, proper air conditioning and high-speed Wi-Fi, ideal in case I want to masturbate or write here.

The owner will not have to take care of my corpse, I will leave the note warning that they will find my body inside the room, that they will not be there and call the emergency room, police or whatever comes to mind. I guess it's a risk to take when you rent... zero empathy with these people, who buy houses like crazy to renovate them a little and see the money fall into their pockets. There is actually no kitchen in this one, but that's not a problem, obviously hehehe.

 

[Praestat_Mori]

I wish you all the best and good luck with your plan. I hope you find peace!

 

[Alexei_Kirillov]

All the hotels I found were very expensive and depressing, they were not welcoming but cold, some hotels even did not have a bathroom in the room, but a common one in the hallway. more than €100 to piss in the hallway!!! We are crazy? hahaha I wanted a quiet place, with a bathroom that would allow you to vomit if necessary, Wi-Fi and air conditioning. Many hotels have an air conditioning duct in the ceiling and blow air into all the rooms, there is no way to regulate it, it is as if you connect a tube to a fan and give air to 20 rooms on the same floor, it really is of no use. . And the Wi-Fi is terrible in hotels, I suppose you have experienced it on some occasion.

On Airbnb I have a whole house, not very big, but cozy, proper air conditioning and high-speed Wi-Fi, ideal in case I want to masturbate or write here.

The owner will not have to take care of my corpse, I will leave the note warning that they will find my body inside the room, that they will not be there and call the emergency room, police or whatever comes to mind. I guess it's a risk to take when you rent... zero empathy with these people, who buy houses like crazy to renovate them a little and see the money fall into their pockets. There is actually no kitchen in this one, but that's not a problem, obviously hehehe.

Sounds like you've thought everything through quite thoroughly, best of luck <3

 

[Onelegman]

The SN package has already arrived. 99% - everything perfect, without police, without notification to social security or anything.

 

[pocket7]

What kind excuse will you make for your parents so they don't start searching for you too early?

 

[Onelegman]

I have a friend that they know, he is a teacher and he doesn't have much time, so we see each other quite often, and can end up late at night. I haven't met him in a while because the school year is ending. I have told them that he wants to introduce me to a girl who is interested in me... that will be enough.

 

[Onelegman]

I guess it's time to tell my story, although I doubt many people would be interested, it's always good to let off steam...

I was born healthy, I crawled in my crib and I almost went bald from rubbing myself against the sheet and the bars hahaha

My first memory is a green inflatable pool on the beach, my first birthday present at 4 years old were 4 white label transformer robots that I loved.

In preschool I learned everything I could, letters and numbers, I even read and wrote. Something that doesn't seem normal today. I felt intelligent and capable of taking on the world. I only had one friend (that makes me realize some things now)
I started primary school and I was surprised that they weren't at the same level as me. I was a good student, I got very good grades and I loved going to school.

I don't remember when the bullying started, the school was in another town and I had to stay there to eat. I had a group of about 6 friends, and for some reason, they started insulting me, harassing me and hitting me. During a medical check-up, the doctor almost called social services because I had bruises all over my body (more than a naughty child should have) I couldn't take it anymore and had to confess what was happening... but I lied about the most important thing. I didn't want them to know they were my "friends", so I said I was an older child.

I started going to a psychologist, with such bad luck that one of them also went... at that time bullying didn't exist, it was "kid stuff" but my persistent mother managed to get measures taken. The measure in question was quite hard for me. Whenever I explain it, no one understands it at first, but I'll try to explain it:

I had to stay after lunch, almost 3 hours next to the teacher. When someone asked, he told them that I had been punished for doing something very very bad, and that I would be punished for the whole year. I was like that for 2 years, quiet next to the teacher, without being able to talk to him because I was so small that adult matters didn't interest me. Luckily sometimes I had the gameboy or I colored photocopies of the manga dragon ball Z (saga of bu)

After those years I finally finished high school and changed to a high school 15 minutes walk from my house. I never heard from those bastards again. Except that the leader's mother died of cancer. Call me a psychopath, but I was happy about it. He deserved something of that caliber. When I was 12 years old I went half my body over the railing of the terrace, I don't know what stopped me. My sister, 6 years older, didn't, she was next to me, I suppose from fear. Same sister who 2 years earlier sexually abused me. I remember that she undressed and then me. And that while we were doing it she didn't pee on me... it took me a long time to realize what she had forced me to do. She was 16 and I was 10, I guess she was studying human reproduction and wanted to learn something first hand... damn sick girl.

High school was harder, but I managed to get by until 2nd ESO (I don't know what year it is in the US educational system) where I started hanging out with a somewhat rebellious kid. Silly me. Here, like everywhere I imagine, depending on your performance you go to class A, B, C or D. I was in B, and I don't understand how this being ended up there, I guess before there were fewer students per class and they were filled until they all had the same number. People studied a lot, including me, but after spending the summer with that guy, in 3rd ESO my grades went down and down. I repeated the year and was forced to pass by law, I failed 7 subjects but the law said I passed the year anyway. In 4th ESO I turned 16 and left high school to work and help my family financially.

There is something I haven't said, and that is that at that time, I met a pretty girl, kind of nice and with a very good body, as well as a nymphomaniac... I, with my hormones raging and depressed for being a burden that couldn't get my head up even when I was studying, found paradise. Brunette with green eyes... anyway... We spent a year together, she was very toxic, another term that wasn't used or known before. Very jealous, pathologically jealous. I ended up cutting ties with my friends, getting along badly with my family... all I wanted was sex with her. When I realized it was too late and after several breakups, my mind was broken. I had been single for a few months and mulling over the idea of suicide, I worked hard and was poorly paid, I was a minor and my first job, but I held on as best I could. I started studying a course to be an electrician and the holidays arrived. I had already planned everything, I couldn't go with my family to the beach because I had the course and work... The day before my first attempt I went to the town festival and drank cheap alcohol (something like normal alcohol mixed with another of lower quality or adulterated). It tasted awful and I left early because I couldn't stand the reproaches of my "friends"
The idea was that, once they entered the autonomous community (what we could call a State in the USA) they would warn me. I would jump and die, they would take me away and they would know my fate thanks to the letter I left them, just 2 pages. BUT, they didn't warn me. I still remember hearing the elevator door and their voices. I panicked, threw the letter on the floor so they could see it and went to the terrace. One foot on a chair, another on the railing and then I stepped into the void. 7 floors of fall, I counted about 3 seconds, I noticed that my body was twisting even though I fell straight as an arrow (the neighbor next door saw everything and warned them) and it hurt, as if I was being stretched on a medieval torture rack. I hit the ground and broke all the bones in my legs, my hip, my coccyx, and I crushed two lumbar vertebrae. A kidney also "drooped." I didn't lose consciousness, I didn't feel any pain, only the ego of having failed at something as "basic" as killing myself by jumping into the void. People were crowding around, shouting, talking and whispering. The neighbor had notified my family, they came down immediately. My father put a jacket under my head and my mother asked me what had happened. I thought, wow, I'll bleed to death before the ambulance comes, and I told them that I had fallen when I looked to see if I saw their car coming.

There is a health center at most 200 meters away, someone ran there to notify them and several professionals came, I didn't feel anything, a comforting warmth, nothing more, I suppose it was my blood soaking the clothes. I don't know what they did, tourniquets or something like that I imagine. The questions didn't stop, how old are you? What happened? Don't fall asleep! The ambulance finally arrived, more questions and more lies. I don't know how much time passed from the moment I was thrown out until they put me in the ambulance, the last thing I remember is that I was getting in, I saw the roof of the ambulance when they induced a coma. I spent 15 days in an induced coma, 3 operations and many nightmares. I woke up during an operation, they were scraping the pus out of my muscle with a scalpel and so that they wouldn't go overboard I just said "hello" and everyone present turned their heads in fear. They ran and sedated me again with a mask. It was funny in a way. I lost almost all of my right leg, it reaches the height of my balls. I was hospitalized for 3 months until I could sit up, and a year to be able to leave rehabilitation. I had 2 prostheses but they made very deep wounds because I didn't support myself on the end of the stump, but on the groin and under the buttock, and I risked contracting sepsis, so after 2 years of trying, I decided not to take the risk. At first I wasn't affected (because of the sedatives) by losing my leg, but every year my mental health got worse because of it.

For several years I graduated from high school, took courses and vocational training in computer science, graphic design, web design and even accounting, in which I was always at the top of the class. After one of the design courses the professor hired me in his advertising company. After making their website, the woman in human resources asked me to stay with them, paying me with sex. I didn't know that I now had integrity. I didn't report it but the company went bankrupt soon, and I was glad. I got jobs but my pessimistic mood, social phobia, BPD and everything that it entailed made me leave some while in others I was fired before completing 1 year. Here they give financial aid to companies that hire disabled people, but they only give the aid once a year and per person. They fired me and hired another disabled person to ask for the aid again... scoundrels.

The second and pathetic attempt came with a cable and a radiator at 26 years. A noose from the movies and at a low height, I spent 20 minutes suffering and got nothing except a red mark and a sore throat. I called my partner at the time and checked myself into the psychiatric wing of my hospital. 13 days of suffering later they discharged me because they needed a free bed. They took me off the medication and gave me another very powerful one, so much so that I only had to take 1/4 of a pill. I lost all emotion, desire to do anything, eat, and I was not aware of time, when I finished eating I would watch a series for a while and when I looked out the window it was nighttime. Like a zombie. Weak and very sleepy all the time.

Then the worst thing in a long time happened. I don't want to leave a very long post so I will summarize it as much as possible.
That woman, who I wanted to marry the following year, hurt herself with a hammer on the head when I fell asleep after lunch and called the police. She woke me up bleeding on top of me while the police went up to the house. Long story short, 5 months in jail waiting for trial and 3 and a half years locked up in a mental asylum. One of so many hells on earth. All that time without knowing if I had really done something like that. When I finally managed to get out, not without mental after-effects, I discovered that she had hurt herself thanks to a computer recording that was activated when it detected movement... I was preparing the complaint against her and the justice system for my unjust confinement when she called me through a second-hand app to confirm what I already knew... she said that she wanted me to be cured, to be taken care of and to be able to be together again... that everything was done to get me help... idiot, now I had a confession, so to speak, of what had happened. And while I was waiting for the trial, an old friend of both of us met me at the doctor's office, and told me that she had confessed the same thing to him a few days after it had happened. Conclusion: a lot of money from the State, a public apology from the judge who sentenced me and her declaring herself insolvent to pay the compensation. With feminism on the rise, she didn't have to serve a prison sentence, just a fucking fine! Despite the final sentence, the videos and everything else, most of my family still think I'm a woman abuser. The world is crazy!!!

Since then I've been cloistered at home with my parents, they're older and we help each other. I only have 1 friend that I see every so often, sometimes for months. The only contact I have had with women after that betrayal has been with prostitutes and I have zero interest in having a relationship with any woman (dating apps and the impossible standards of girls infuriate me) and I am somewhat afraid of being falsely reported again, this is very fashionable now in Spain, where men have been stripped of the presumption of innocence in cases of gender violence. And right now I will have gone 2 years without touching a prostitute, I am not even interested in sex anymore, I have reached that point... I do not recognize myself.

In prison I tried to cut myself with a knife but I was unable to. I do not even consider it an attempt, they looked like cat scratches. Finally, at the end of April I tried with nitrogen gas, but something (I suppose a spasm) knocked the bottle over and disconnected from the tube that connected it to me for breathing. I will never know if it was the nitrogen or the enormous disappointment and depression that came over me after failing that caused the paralysis of half my face... I suppose a bit of both.

And here I am, shattered, waiting for the 29th to come around so I can take the SN. I have everything I need, benzos, EO, SN for a dozen glasses... I could only fail in one way and I would drink another dose if it happened...

And that's my life...

I have not been able to review the entire translation so I apologize for any inconsistencies the translator may have produced

 

[Wolf Girl]

I'm sorry for what you have been through. I hope things miraculously improve before your ctb date, but if not I hope your end is peaceful.

 

[unusally alive]

Lorazepam 1 mg 4 pills
Zolpidem 10mg 2 pills
Anafranil (clomipramine) 25 mg 1 pill

How did you get your hands on those? Are there any other meds you considered?

 

[Onelegman]

How did you get your hands on those? Are there any other meds you considered?

Years and years of psychologists and psychiatrists

 

[DefinitelyReady]

All the hotels I found were very expensive and depressing, they were not welcoming but cold, some hotels even did not have a bathroom in the room, but a common one in the hallway. more than €100 to piss in the hallway!!! We are crazy? hahaha I wanted a quiet place, with a bathroom that would allow you to vomit if necessary, Wi-Fi and air conditioning. Many hotels have an air conditioning duct in the ceiling and blow air into all the rooms, there is no way to regulate it, it is as if you connect a tube to a fan and give air to 20 rooms on the same floor, it really is of no use. . And the Wi-Fi is terrible in hotels, I suppose you have experienced it on some occasion.

On Airbnb I have a whole house, not very big, but cozy, proper air conditioning and high-speed Wi-Fi, ideal in case I want to masturbate or write here.

The owner will not have to take care of my corpse, I will leave the note warning that they will find my body inside the room, that they will not be there and call the emergency room, police or whatever comes to mind. I guess it's a risk to take when you rent... zero empathy with these people, who buy houses like crazy to renovate them a little and see the money fall into their pockets. There is actually no kitchen in this one, but that's not a problem, obviously hehehe.

Where does the clomipramine come in?

 

[Onelegman]

Where does the clomipramine come in?

It's not in the guide, I know. But since I seriously doubt that 20 minutes is enough for benzos to kick in, I know firsthand that clomipramine under your tongue leaves you in a "fuck everything" state and makes me very desensitized. It's like a plan B before plan A (benzos) it practically increases my depressive state.

 

[DefinitelyReady]

It's not in the guide, I know. But since I seriously doubt that 20 minutes is enough for benzos to kick in, I know firsthand that clomipramine under your tongue leaves you in a "fuck everything" state and makes me very desensitized. It's like a plan B before plan A (benzos) it practically increases my depressive state.

Ah, ok thanks. I was prescribed it for ocd and only took it once, and yeah, actually my SI was so much worse. I was omw to an appt, being driven by a driver, and felt like I could just rip the van door open and jump out. It might've been the worst si ever in fact. Odd to rx that to a SI person but I guess it's supposes to wear off. It also made me want to throw up but on those rides I usually get sick so I didn't know if that increased the nausea or not.
Gotcha though. Thx. Good idea for countering the si.

 

[icetealatte]

Ho

Well, there is no turning back, it has been decided and I want to do it, even if it hurts a little I will endure it.

Following the example of other people at SaSu, I would like to share with you my plan.

But not before thanking the SaSu community for everything. Finding a place like this on the Internet, open and without taboos to talk about how bad one feels, about one's most reprehensible desires for a society poisoned to the roots, was a stroke of luck. I have learned many things, I have been able to tell my experience, advise some and say goodbye to others, I even made some friends. It bothers me that I can't offer something equivalent in return, just words don't seem enough to me... so thank you, thank you very much for being here, for responding, for listening and for helping in every way possible. This community is necessary, please do not let it disappear until the world is completely healed.

I'm waiting for the SN to arrive, it's a reliable source so I don't think there will be any problems with the shipping. I already have the rest of the things.

I have rented an Airbnb for the 29th of this month. It has everything you need, a toilet in case I vomit, a bed and a sofa, wifi and air conditioning. I will thoroughly clean glasses and spoons and warn them to do it again or throw everything away to avoid risks.

I have to make up some excuse for my parents, who I live with, when I go out there. I don't want to spend 6 hours in that place without being able to eat or drink, without a computer, just with my cell phone... but I have to do it this way or they will get suspicious. I have made a playlist with more than 6 hours of music to at least keep me happy while I wait.

Backpack:
SN 500g
Metoclopramide 10 mg 3 pills
Lorazepam 1 mg 4 pills
Zolpidem 10mg 2 pills
Anafranil (clomipramine) 25 mg 1 pill
Phone charger
Paper and pen to leave notices to the owners
Mortar and pestle
Weighing machine
Bowl for weighing the SN
Speaker and usb with music
Mp3 and headphones for when I sleep with the SN

I think that's all I need, if anyone can think of anything else that I may have forgotten or that would be useful to keep me entertained or help me with the whole thing, I'd be happy to read it.

I will use the 48h method

Day 1

11:00h - 1 X 10 mg Metoclopramide
19:00h - 1 X 10 mg Metoclopramide
3:00h - 1 X 10 mg Metoclopramide

Day 2

11:00h - 1 X 10 mg Metoclopramide
15:30 - 16:00 h - Last meal.
19:00h - 1 X 10 mg Metoclopramide
2:00h - 1000 mg of paracetamol.
2:15h - 3 X 10 mg Metoclopramide + 25 mg clomipramine under the tongue
2:40h - (Crushed) 4 mg Lorazepam + 20 mg zolpidem
3:00h - 25 g SN drink

Any advice on this?

Being in my room, where I spend most of the day, I don't feel any fear, outside my mind begins to ruminate, but I won't back down. When the time comes I will mix it like someone stirring a medicine that dissolves in water and I will drink it. I will play the mp3 and lie down to wait for the symptoms, nausea, irrational panic... I will hug the pillow and scream to release tension, I will refuse to call an ambulance, because the pain will be temporary, the fear will be temporary, enduring what enough I will achieve my purpose, which has more value than anything else.

There's still until that day, so I guess I'll take advantage of the thread to tell a little about my life later. I would like to be able to use my phone and narrate what I am doing and feeling, but it is very likely that once I ingest benzo and hypnotics my mind will become lazy, but I will try. And since there will be traces of it, I will say it now:

No one has forced me to take this path, no one has coerced or incited me to do so. Those who know me well know my history, this is my wish, mine and onloy mine. I want to end my life, it is mine and I have that right to choose whether to abandon it. I can't stand this world anymore, living with pain and feelings that cause me great regret, and that is why I am leaving. That's all.

how do you mask the noise ? If you turn on speaker with loud music ,how will you deal if you are interrupted to stop loud sound by chance ? like people are unpredictable at times...

 

[Onelegman]

how do you mask the noise ? If you turn on speaker with loud music ,how will you deal if you are interrupted to stop loud sound by chance ? like people are unpredictable at times...

I have booked an Airbnb, no one can complain about the noise in summer until 1 am if I remember the municipal regulations correctly. It's not that I want to bother either. That music will only be on until I take SN, when I drink I will use an mp3 with headphones to relax with calmer songs.
There is no risk of being found until after 12 hours, plenty of time to take another dose if I happen to vomit and that's all the work.

 

[icetealatte]

I

I have booked an Airbnb, no one can complain about the noise in summer until 1 am if I remember the municipal regulations correctly. It's not that I want to bother either. That music will only be on until I take SN, when I drink I will use an mp3 with headphones to relax with calmer songs.
There is no risk of being found until after 12 hours, plenty of time to take another dose if I happen to vomit and that's all the work.

Yes I know you booked on Airbnb, but I was concerned about sounds which may arise from possible seizure , not for everyone but it may be loud for some time , so had asked,. Anyway best of luck for your prep!!!

 

[Onelegman]

Yes I know you booked on Airbnb, but I was concerned about sounds which may arise from possible seizure , not for everyone but it may be loud for some time , so had asked,. Anyway best of luck for your prep!!!

I'll make sure to put away things that might fall and make noise, seizures are the least of my problems honestly. Thanks for the cheering!

 

[icetealatte]

I'll make sure to put away things that might fall and make noise, seizures are the least of my problems honestly. Thanks for the cheering!