I don't really know what to think, but I've noticed more and more as time goes on that, despite no inciting incident(s) occurring, my personality has completely and fundamentally changed for the worse.
I've always been depressed, but know it feels as if someone flipped a light switch two months ago (at the start of the school year) and I lost any and all value in my own life.
In freshman year (of college; I am an adult), I was depressed and suicidal and sad about it. Now, in sophomore year, I can't bring myself to care and literally have zero emotions about it positive or negative; it's just the truth.
My depressed thoughts have gone from "I'm such a stupid idiot" or "you don't deserve to win because you're playing like shit" to the stereotypical "
" and "
" over something as simple as hitting the ball out (I play tennis in a recreational league) which I'd always believed was exaggerated in media and that no one had such blatantly horrible thoughts.
Of course, this isn't my first time having thoughts like these, but the fact that they're suddenly popping up 20+ times a day at any minor inconvenience is kind of scaring me. I don't feel more depressed; just less bothered by my depression; by that thing that I feel like I should definitely be bothered by.
Even worse than that is the interpersonal changes. I got an award once in high school for always having the best attitude and a smile on my face (ironic since I've been suicidal since elementary school) and always being a team player. Now, I'm finding myself snap and I'm letting my bad attitude show. It's not intentional. I'm finding myself falling apart over a single lost point when just months ago I was known for being the type who could make a comeback from anything because I always kept a level head.
Suddenly, the fact that I hate life is beginning to show and people are noticing.
The worst change is my respect for others. I've lost respect for a lot of people who, while undeserving of that respect in the first place, I've for years managed to be kind to even in my own thoughts.
Once, in ninth grade, I almost said "
" to my mom during an argument. Not really, because I don't argue with my parents and just silently rant back in my head, but I'd thought it. And immediately broke down crying when she left, wanting to kill myself for even having such a thought when I knew I didn't mean it; that I would never wish what I experience daily on anyone else even for a moment.
I've had that thought three times in my life now. The other two were both in the last week. One was today.
It's not as if I want anyone to go through that, but even thinking the words, devoid of emotion as they may be, was something I'd always refused to do, because though it's a phrase that's thrown around the internet constantly, words have meanings.
Now I'm losing those values and I feel like something inside me is broken.
I've always been depressed, but know it feels as if someone flipped a light switch two months ago (at the start of the school year) and I lost any and all value in my own life.
In freshman year (of college; I am an adult), I was depressed and suicidal and sad about it. Now, in sophomore year, I can't bring myself to care and literally have zero emotions about it positive or negative; it's just the truth.
My depressed thoughts have gone from "I'm such a stupid idiot" or "you don't deserve to win because you're playing like shit" to the stereotypical "
you don't deserve to live
you're a fucking idiot and should just kill yourself already
Of course, this isn't my first time having thoughts like these, but the fact that they're suddenly popping up 20+ times a day at any minor inconvenience is kind of scaring me. I don't feel more depressed; just less bothered by my depression; by that thing that I feel like I should definitely be bothered by.
Even worse than that is the interpersonal changes. I got an award once in high school for always having the best attitude and a smile on my face (ironic since I've been suicidal since elementary school) and always being a team player. Now, I'm finding myself snap and I'm letting my bad attitude show. It's not intentional. I'm finding myself falling apart over a single lost point when just months ago I was known for being the type who could make a comeback from anything because I always kept a level head.
Suddenly, the fact that I hate life is beginning to show and people are noticing.
The worst change is my respect for others. I've lost respect for a lot of people who, while undeserving of that respect in the first place, I've for years managed to be kind to even in my own thoughts.
Once, in ninth grade, I almost said "
kill yourself
I've had that thought three times in my life now. The other two were both in the last week. One was today.
It's not as if I want anyone to go through that, but even thinking the words, devoid of emotion as they may be, was something I'd always refused to do, because though it's a phrase that's thrown around the internet constantly, words have meanings.
Now I'm losing those values and I feel like something inside me is broken.
