Angst Filled Fuck Up
Visionary
- Sep 9, 2018
- 2,925
I want to talk about something that happened to me in 2014. That was the year l knew it was over.
Long story short, I was pretty normal/healthy up until then, aside from mental health issues that made me isolate myself and feel mildly anxious and depressed. As such, those would be bad enough. But in the summer of '14 I caught a rare, life threatening infection and was hospitalized. I was in a really bad way. I was in so much discomfort that I couldn't eat, sleep or drink for days on end. I was only sustained by the IV drip. I struggled so bad in that hospital bed. I thought I was going to die, and it really didn't look good for me. Eventually I turned a corner and recovered, and was discharged a few days later.
Upon release, I felt more or less like my old self. But two weeks after that, I was walking around one night and suddenly became very dizzy. I couldn't walk very far and I felt like I was going to fall over or faint. This kept happening, so I went to get checked out again. Turns out, there was nothing medically wrong with me, but I had (and still do to this day) very severe dissociative symptoms as a result of my illness in the hospital. A kind of messed up self defense system that your brain can implement if you have been through something bad.
Years later, I am apparently still traumatized and unable to do much of anything. Overwhelming fatigue, spaciness, a constantly wandering mind, an inability to concentrate or remember things, in addition to chronic dizziness/off balance sensations are just my every day life now. This makes me little more than a miserable paperweight, and most definitely a waste of space.
I guess for me, this is the icing on a really shitty cake, having felt depressed and underwhelmed with life even prior to the infection I caught. A person can't live with this. The doctors and psychs don't fully understand, my family doesn't understand, and I am totally alone in living with these hellish symptoms all day every day. I have had nervous breakdowns over it, drank myself to oblivion many times, been hospitalized for suicidal ideation, the whole nine yards. So the underlying mental health issues I always had are now compounded by this complication as of the last 4 years, and there is no way to fix it or get any relief.
It has caused me to rack up medical debt from all the testing and therapy, and overspend and overeat to try to forget about my problems, as well as living a totally sedentary life. It even cost me my marriage, as my wife left me shortly after shit hit the fan because she couldn't deal with it.
I suppose I just wanted to get this off my chest, and share a little more of my story with you all on here. Something stupid like this can happen to anybody, at seemingly any time. Life is terrifying like that. If anyone has symptoms like mine, feel free to message me.
Long story short, I was pretty normal/healthy up until then, aside from mental health issues that made me isolate myself and feel mildly anxious and depressed. As such, those would be bad enough. But in the summer of '14 I caught a rare, life threatening infection and was hospitalized. I was in a really bad way. I was in so much discomfort that I couldn't eat, sleep or drink for days on end. I was only sustained by the IV drip. I struggled so bad in that hospital bed. I thought I was going to die, and it really didn't look good for me. Eventually I turned a corner and recovered, and was discharged a few days later.
Upon release, I felt more or less like my old self. But two weeks after that, I was walking around one night and suddenly became very dizzy. I couldn't walk very far and I felt like I was going to fall over or faint. This kept happening, so I went to get checked out again. Turns out, there was nothing medically wrong with me, but I had (and still do to this day) very severe dissociative symptoms as a result of my illness in the hospital. A kind of messed up self defense system that your brain can implement if you have been through something bad.
Years later, I am apparently still traumatized and unable to do much of anything. Overwhelming fatigue, spaciness, a constantly wandering mind, an inability to concentrate or remember things, in addition to chronic dizziness/off balance sensations are just my every day life now. This makes me little more than a miserable paperweight, and most definitely a waste of space.
I guess for me, this is the icing on a really shitty cake, having felt depressed and underwhelmed with life even prior to the infection I caught. A person can't live with this. The doctors and psychs don't fully understand, my family doesn't understand, and I am totally alone in living with these hellish symptoms all day every day. I have had nervous breakdowns over it, drank myself to oblivion many times, been hospitalized for suicidal ideation, the whole nine yards. So the underlying mental health issues I always had are now compounded by this complication as of the last 4 years, and there is no way to fix it or get any relief.
It has caused me to rack up medical debt from all the testing and therapy, and overspend and overeat to try to forget about my problems, as well as living a totally sedentary life. It even cost me my marriage, as my wife left me shortly after shit hit the fan because she couldn't deal with it.
I suppose I just wanted to get this off my chest, and share a little more of my story with you all on here. Something stupid like this can happen to anybody, at seemingly any time. Life is terrifying like that. If anyone has symptoms like mine, feel free to message me.
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