transLucyd
Member
- Nov 5, 2024
- 23
When it comes to CtB, I intended to leave some people messages about my life and what has lead me to this.
The three more consequencial people in my life are my parents and my brother.
My relationship with my brother is complicated, in the sense that I can't just blame him and/or say that he has a net negative impact on my life.
My parents on the other hand...
I can't stress enough how badly my parents have f'ed up my life, aside from sexual harassment and stuff like that, I believe they did all the worse.
They ignore my feelings, manipulate me, take out their problems on me, try to impose their views on me, act completly irrationaly in general, and treat me as an idiot.
This last part hurts doubly, triple on me because I am decidedly more intelligent than they are in any way; I'm on medschool, speak and learn several languages, know how to talk to people on important issues...but none of that matters to them, they (mostly my father) think they need to advice me on how, when and what to eat, try to pretend to understand the subjects of medicine by making sh*t up, my father even ''thought me'' that I need to close the window when it rains so it doesn't wet the house! ?????????????? This is worse than someone just calling be ''dumb'' or ''idiot'' because they do all of that implictly under the guise of ''help'', and also, they are not just a random someone they are f'ing parents. When I give some of these examples, people often say that ''oh parents are always like that'', and I do understand that parents can act like this, but it's only ''kinda ok'' when it's just a cute parental trait on a small scale. But no, all my life they accuse me of ''being to (academicly) intelligent, but not really smart'', or just ''slow'' to get to understand people, in parts because I'm just not the kind of person that engages on small talk or self promotion and in general just assume that they know better than me...
With regards to ignore my feelings, I remember istances when my father just plainly that to my face or to people around him that I was ''naive'', ''weak'', ''not mentally stable'' (which is kind of true, but only because of the fact that I have had to deal with all this BS 24-7),and broadly in conversations just noticing how my subjective feelings and completely and systematically dissmissed. There is of course two inherent issues that give way to this behavior one is just they abusing their position: their feeling always matter, their feeling are never out of place, their feeling are always aligned with the situation, but whenever I have a problem that relates to sadness, axiety, loneliness or anger, they are non-sensical, stupid, could easily be put aside if just I did x, y and z. The other issue is plain old men being men, the extant that men ignore their feeling, take out in something else (causing horrible repercussions) and just can't seem to grasp another human sincerely dealing with them is astonishing. Men often joke how they can't understand women and stuff, but seriously, if you understand that in the majority of the cases men are just pretending that feeling don't exist, this just solves mosy of it.
This apply mostly to my father, but also my brother. But what about my mother? Well, the thing I was going to say about them never ever going to be held accountable to what they did to me is seriously worse with my mother. She just... agrees with my father on important issues, or mindlessly let religion and social norms dictate all her life, in the most superficial level of course. And n general, she is just, not very bright, which could just be a small problem, but the deal with people who are this stupid is that
1) they act as if they are not and think they can lecture me in things, when she clearly can't (see prior points)
2) since they don't understand what actual intelligence is they just assume you are dumb just like them (she said several times that I might have become trans because some people ''put stuff in my head'', even impling that my chinese course and college was somehow envolved, which is funny given how eagerly she just acts based on stuff she sees in social media and on those sh*ty catholic lives she watches)
3) she can't even understand herself and her actions. I soon found out that explaining to her that whay she did was wrong because this or that is and exercise in futility. Once I wanted to tell them seriously how I felt so I did tell her that I thought and wanted to CtB because I felt sad and irritated about my life, speacially with regards to my transition, which of course they always opposed. I thought that could finally make her understand. So later my father called and said that she almost fainted when she heard about all of this and was very worried about me...but after that did she do anything diffrently? No. Did she even seem to make my life easier by being a little bit less judgemental or invasive? Nope. Did she...anything? No. She just seems to think that was a bad thing that could have happened and was scared about it but didn't question how or why.
My father is a bit different in that remark. He is by no means an idiot. But he is so completly egocentric...he always has something to ''add'', to ''correct'', to imply, to change the subject to divert attention, he has this incredible ability to sound like he is always right, always has thet moral and rational high ground, incredible indeed, but disgusting too. I don`t ever recall him apologising for something important. He is addicted to sounding right to others... And seriously this was one of the biggest red flags that I notice on them as I was growing up. They never seemed to loose an argument or change their minds because I said something. For more obviously wrong that they were in matters big or small they were always right...they seemed always right. This leads me to the issue with them being manipulative. Another thing that I notice with my parents while growing up is that they wer not my friends. Regarding your parents as friend might be a weird think to many, but when say that they should not only be my friends, but the best friends I could have in my life is not the goofy teenage friend kind I'm talking about. Don't you know friends you can always trust, people that will be there for you when you need them, whose priority is helping you because they want to see you well? My parents are the polar opposite of that? I tell them a problem, they ignore my feelings, make me feel like an idiot for having the problem as if it was all my fault, tell me it is not really a problem and tell me how actually, they are the ones that have real problems, they see more invested in judging than in actually helping me and don`t seem to care if I am well, they just feel like they ``had to put up with me again``. This is a pattern that repeats itself, I just notice that telling my parents, the two people in the world that should care and be there for me always made things so much worse. I actively hide all that I can so I don`t get worse. And they wonder for real why I don`t seem to want to talk to them, they see this as a ``rebel teenage move`` or watherver (I`m 28 btw)
And so I just think that leaving them messages on these subjects is not all that usefull. I did started forgetting many of the details that happened on these discussions since I started living away from they, and frankly that has done me some good. But when I try to explain them I don`t want to relive all of that crap and what for? It's not like they will listen. They talked about the possibility of me CtB as ''doing something dumb'' (a common expression for talking about that in Brazil). If I CtB in the next days they will blame me on my lasy trigger, which in a relationship breakup, blame me on me ''''choosing'''' to have become trans and by extension being dragged by the gay stuff and for not being able to be another mindless zombie like the people around me.
My mother won't get it for sure. Maybe my father will with time. As I said, he manipulates information around him to make up this world where he is right, that requires understanding said information. This reminds me of one time he was having me hear this stupid non-sense repetitive stuff about how the world works from him. I already knew for a long time that arguing wasn't gonna be usefull so I just stared...and stared...and in a moment he said ''you don't know what is to be commanded by people who are more incompetent than you...'' and then, he who always seem to talk very eloquently and be so sure in how right he is about everything...started stuttering while looking at me. I didn't do anything, I was just looking at him and in that moment I knew that he knew the truth.
Some people might look with pity on the ones who choose to end their own lives, but many times, I look with pity (not in his case) to how people live their lives so falsely, building gigantic castles of lies and self repression for what they call themselves and their personalities. The think about most of us here, is that we don't like doing this. We don't bury our heads in the sand and try to keep appearances and continue living as whatever social construct around us is the easiest and most covinent.
My condition as trans woman made me understand this, made me want to live my full self. So in many respects, I think I have lived more that so many people I see around me.
And the pain we feel is the vast majority of cases, caused by these mindless people around us. I think this is the worse part of it all. We all know that sometimes working on ourselves will not be enough, because of people like them.
I don't think I need to tell this here, but as a general rule of life, if I can teach you something with my story is: hold people accountable. My parents can shield themselves from accountability on the grounds that...well they are my parents. But so many excuses are made, so many lies. Lies always come with a cost. Sometimes that cost is a life.
The three more consequencial people in my life are my parents and my brother.
My relationship with my brother is complicated, in the sense that I can't just blame him and/or say that he has a net negative impact on my life.
My parents on the other hand...
I can't stress enough how badly my parents have f'ed up my life, aside from sexual harassment and stuff like that, I believe they did all the worse.
They ignore my feelings, manipulate me, take out their problems on me, try to impose their views on me, act completly irrationaly in general, and treat me as an idiot.
This last part hurts doubly, triple on me because I am decidedly more intelligent than they are in any way; I'm on medschool, speak and learn several languages, know how to talk to people on important issues...but none of that matters to them, they (mostly my father) think they need to advice me on how, when and what to eat, try to pretend to understand the subjects of medicine by making sh*t up, my father even ''thought me'' that I need to close the window when it rains so it doesn't wet the house! ?????????????? This is worse than someone just calling be ''dumb'' or ''idiot'' because they do all of that implictly under the guise of ''help'', and also, they are not just a random someone they are f'ing parents. When I give some of these examples, people often say that ''oh parents are always like that'', and I do understand that parents can act like this, but it's only ''kinda ok'' when it's just a cute parental trait on a small scale. But no, all my life they accuse me of ''being to (academicly) intelligent, but not really smart'', or just ''slow'' to get to understand people, in parts because I'm just not the kind of person that engages on small talk or self promotion and in general just assume that they know better than me...
With regards to ignore my feelings, I remember istances when my father just plainly that to my face or to people around him that I was ''naive'', ''weak'', ''not mentally stable'' (which is kind of true, but only because of the fact that I have had to deal with all this BS 24-7),and broadly in conversations just noticing how my subjective feelings and completely and systematically dissmissed. There is of course two inherent issues that give way to this behavior one is just they abusing their position: their feeling always matter, their feeling are never out of place, their feeling are always aligned with the situation, but whenever I have a problem that relates to sadness, axiety, loneliness or anger, they are non-sensical, stupid, could easily be put aside if just I did x, y and z. The other issue is plain old men being men, the extant that men ignore their feeling, take out in something else (causing horrible repercussions) and just can't seem to grasp another human sincerely dealing with them is astonishing. Men often joke how they can't understand women and stuff, but seriously, if you understand that in the majority of the cases men are just pretending that feeling don't exist, this just solves mosy of it.
This apply mostly to my father, but also my brother. But what about my mother? Well, the thing I was going to say about them never ever going to be held accountable to what they did to me is seriously worse with my mother. She just... agrees with my father on important issues, or mindlessly let religion and social norms dictate all her life, in the most superficial level of course. And n general, she is just, not very bright, which could just be a small problem, but the deal with people who are this stupid is that
1) they act as if they are not and think they can lecture me in things, when she clearly can't (see prior points)
2) since they don't understand what actual intelligence is they just assume you are dumb just like them (she said several times that I might have become trans because some people ''put stuff in my head'', even impling that my chinese course and college was somehow envolved, which is funny given how eagerly she just acts based on stuff she sees in social media and on those sh*ty catholic lives she watches)
3) she can't even understand herself and her actions. I soon found out that explaining to her that whay she did was wrong because this or that is and exercise in futility. Once I wanted to tell them seriously how I felt so I did tell her that I thought and wanted to CtB because I felt sad and irritated about my life, speacially with regards to my transition, which of course they always opposed. I thought that could finally make her understand. So later my father called and said that she almost fainted when she heard about all of this and was very worried about me...but after that did she do anything diffrently? No. Did she even seem to make my life easier by being a little bit less judgemental or invasive? Nope. Did she...anything? No. She just seems to think that was a bad thing that could have happened and was scared about it but didn't question how or why.
My father is a bit different in that remark. He is by no means an idiot. But he is so completly egocentric...he always has something to ''add'', to ''correct'', to imply, to change the subject to divert attention, he has this incredible ability to sound like he is always right, always has thet moral and rational high ground, incredible indeed, but disgusting too. I don`t ever recall him apologising for something important. He is addicted to sounding right to others... And seriously this was one of the biggest red flags that I notice on them as I was growing up. They never seemed to loose an argument or change their minds because I said something. For more obviously wrong that they were in matters big or small they were always right...they seemed always right. This leads me to the issue with them being manipulative. Another thing that I notice with my parents while growing up is that they wer not my friends. Regarding your parents as friend might be a weird think to many, but when say that they should not only be my friends, but the best friends I could have in my life is not the goofy teenage friend kind I'm talking about. Don't you know friends you can always trust, people that will be there for you when you need them, whose priority is helping you because they want to see you well? My parents are the polar opposite of that? I tell them a problem, they ignore my feelings, make me feel like an idiot for having the problem as if it was all my fault, tell me it is not really a problem and tell me how actually, they are the ones that have real problems, they see more invested in judging than in actually helping me and don`t seem to care if I am well, they just feel like they ``had to put up with me again``. This is a pattern that repeats itself, I just notice that telling my parents, the two people in the world that should care and be there for me always made things so much worse. I actively hide all that I can so I don`t get worse. And they wonder for real why I don`t seem to want to talk to them, they see this as a ``rebel teenage move`` or watherver (I`m 28 btw)
And so I just think that leaving them messages on these subjects is not all that usefull. I did started forgetting many of the details that happened on these discussions since I started living away from they, and frankly that has done me some good. But when I try to explain them I don`t want to relive all of that crap and what for? It's not like they will listen. They talked about the possibility of me CtB as ''doing something dumb'' (a common expression for talking about that in Brazil). If I CtB in the next days they will blame me on my lasy trigger, which in a relationship breakup, blame me on me ''''choosing'''' to have become trans and by extension being dragged by the gay stuff and for not being able to be another mindless zombie like the people around me.
My mother won't get it for sure. Maybe my father will with time. As I said, he manipulates information around him to make up this world where he is right, that requires understanding said information. This reminds me of one time he was having me hear this stupid non-sense repetitive stuff about how the world works from him. I already knew for a long time that arguing wasn't gonna be usefull so I just stared...and stared...and in a moment he said ''you don't know what is to be commanded by people who are more incompetent than you...'' and then, he who always seem to talk very eloquently and be so sure in how right he is about everything...started stuttering while looking at me. I didn't do anything, I was just looking at him and in that moment I knew that he knew the truth.
Some people might look with pity on the ones who choose to end their own lives, but many times, I look with pity (not in his case) to how people live their lives so falsely, building gigantic castles of lies and self repression for what they call themselves and their personalities. The think about most of us here, is that we don't like doing this. We don't bury our heads in the sand and try to keep appearances and continue living as whatever social construct around us is the easiest and most covinent.
My condition as trans woman made me understand this, made me want to live my full self. So in many respects, I think I have lived more that so many people I see around me.
And the pain we feel is the vast majority of cases, caused by these mindless people around us. I think this is the worse part of it all. We all know that sometimes working on ourselves will not be enough, because of people like them.
I don't think I need to tell this here, but as a general rule of life, if I can teach you something with my story is: hold people accountable. My parents can shield themselves from accountability on the grounds that...well they are my parents. But so many excuses are made, so many lies. Lies always come with a cost. Sometimes that cost is a life.
