Help My parents will kill themselves too.

[Kastema]

Hello everyone. This is my first post. I have been suicidal on and off for years and have always chosen to stay alive for my parents. They're great people and I love them both with all my heart.

My current suicidal episode started about a month ago. This is when I first told my parents I wanted to die after spending 10+ years with depression and not really saying anything. They were scared and sent me off to therapy immediately. When I said nothing will help and I'm determined to die, they informed me they'll commit suicide too.

We've been going back and forth for the past month. I am horrified and wish I never told them. I keep trying to convince myself to just live, but I simply don't have the strength. I'm 25, I have a good job and a loving family, but I have wanted to die since I was 10 and I can absolutely not see myself continuing for much longer. I don't want to grow old and bury my parents. I can barely take care of myself at this point and it's only going to get worse.

Has anyone here been in a situation like this? Have you told your family you want to die? What would you do in my position? My death will literally kill them and I feel like it's cruel for me to even consider it. On the other hand, I really, really want to die and I feel it's inevitable that I'll kill myself at some point. I always thought I would be able to wait for them to die first, but now I just want to die ASAP.

What would you do?

 

[Walilamdzi]

I can completely relate to your statement "I don't want to grow old and bury my parents. I can barely take care of myself at this point and it's only going to get worse." I've been feeling like that more than ever before over the past couple of months. I suppose because I don't view suicide in a negative light, if my parents said that to me, I would also view it as their choice. I just think everything ends when we die, so as long as it's peaceful, I think it's very neutral. That might sound callous and I really don't intend it as such.

Do you think they really would, or are they just saying it as a form of rhetoric?

 

[silentsinger]

A big hello and really glad you have shared a first post.

I have hinted at my desire to die to my remaining family but I think it is more to prepare them for it, rather than saying it explicitly.

I wish I could say something more useful but I just wanted to welcome you here and wish you all the best.

 

[Ssrejisser]

My father also said he wouldn't be able to live without me, he didn't say he'd commit suicide, but said there will be no reason for him to live if I die.

 

[Ruffian]

Thank you for posting this - there are so many interesting posts, and for some reason I'm surprised I haven't read something like this sooner. I kine of agree with the questioning are they just saying that? I think you would know better than anyone. Do you have brothers and sisters? It sounds like you may be an only child. I can't believe you suffered from depression for 10 years and never said anything - did you realize that's what was wrong, or did you not understand depression? I don't mean to make you uncomfortable or stray from the topic, and you don't have to answer if you don't want to. Would you consider trying to get professional help before trying to ctb? I'm not persuading you one way or another, but when I was younger anti-depressants worked so much better than they do now. I know mental health is a gamble, believe me, I've had a therapist who made me worse, and also one who told me I was ready to go even after I told her I still didn't feel better. But. I've also had a couple of good ones. It is your life to do what you want with, but you sound really young and like maybe something could change?

 

[uiop]

I'm in the same position. If it wouldn't be for my parents, I would've killed myself a long time ago. It breaks my heart knowing one of their family members committed suicide. They'll think it'll be their fault for not being able to help me. But it won't be anybody's fault, but my own. I break down every time I get suicidal ideations. The voices in my head keep saying "just kill yourself, just kill yourself, just kill yourself". I cry over how much agony it'll cause my parents just because I was being selfish. I cry over how I failed them as a child.

Even though there are people willing to support me, I am alone in this universe, and must figure this mess out on my own. I tried seeking professional help; it didn't work for me. I don't need support. I don't need people telling me to keep living. I need a solution.

What would you do?

My advice to you, and anybody considering CTB is to wait it out for a few days, and don't make decisions based on emotions. If you're ever thinking about exiting, just think about how much control you have over your actions. Is it an act based on rationality, or is it an act based on impulse?

 

[Kastema]

Thank you all for your comments. I'll try to reply as best I can. I still don't know how to operate this thing and I'm on my phone, so bear with me.

Thank you for posting this - there are so many interesting posts, and for some reason I'm surprised I haven't read something like this sooner. I kine of agree with the questioning are they just saying that?

They are definitely not just saying that. They mean it. I've watched them cry and beg me not to do it several times now. They're crushed and so am I. I am indeed an only child which only makes things worse.


I did tell them I was depressed, I just never said I wanted to kill myself. I did my best to understand my depression and I've been on medication since I was 17 (I'll be 26 this summer). I've spoken to multiple psychiatrists and psychologists. Nothing helps. I spent the last 5 years working on myself, reading self development books and just trying to get things to work. Nothing had changed and it's as if I never tried. I can't begin to express how tired I am.

My father also said he wouldn't be able to live without me, he didn't say he'd commit suicide, but said there will be no reason for him to live if I die.

That's what mine says too. He says life would be completely pointless. And I know him so I do kind of see what he means.

A big hello and really glad you have shared a first post.

Thank you for the warm welcome! :)

I can completely relate to your statement "I don't want to grow old and bury my parents. I can barely take care of myself at this point and it's only going to get worse." I've been feeling like that more than ever before over the past couple of months.

Thank you for saying that. Makes me feel less alone. Do you see any chance of your situation improving?

A big part of me views suicide neutrally too. Especially when it comes to my own death. So I don't think what you're saying is callous. But when I imagine my dad doing it, it's just... Not right. My mom? No way. And so I'm stuck in this back and forth with myself.

 

[stuckforawhile]

Just curious - what's your job?

 

[Kastema]

I'm in the same position.

I'm sorry to hear that.

I cry over how much agony it'll cause my parents just because I was being selfish. I cry over how I failed them as a child.

I torture myself over that too. Exactly that. I can't cry and I don't have emotions, but I've still got my conscience.

I relate to you a lot. I'm looking for a solution too, and I'm ready to live in pain for the rest of my life so that my parents are okay, but I just don't think I have the strength to.

I'll put it off for at least a month. I'm starting new medication tomorrow and I have some hope it might help. Probably not, but I owe it to my parents to try.

Just curious - what's your job?

I'm a live chat agent at a contact centre. It's nice, I like it.

 

[dandan]

Oh man I love my mom, and that's the hardest part regarding catching the bus.
My dad won't talk to me after saying I want to kill myself.
My brother told me years ago if in gonna kill myself I better do it, and fast, cause my mom suffers a lot. He loves me , I know, but he isn't talking to me since my last "I'll kill me episode"

My mom, oh poor mom....
I love her , she's an Angel...

What would we do? What am I gonna do?
Sometimes I wish my mom dies so I can kill myself...

 

[hunter_lewis]

First of all, there is no guarantee that they will do it-maybe they are saying it to make you rethink. Also, what is much worse is when your parents will never ctb, like mine, and so you pretty much know 100% that you will destroy their life when you go.
Is there any chance of you not ctbing? You are 25, life can change. If you have a job and a family, maybe it is not so bad. I am 28, I can barely walk now because of my illness and am in chronic pain pretty much 24/7-for me, I see no chance. But for you I see one.
Of course it is your own decision, there is no valid reason or non valid reason for ctb.

 

[Cookiedough8956]

Im so sorry you had to endure all that..even more so seeing ur parents like that.

Honestly my mom would prob glare at my grave and say good riddance. No im not exaggerating. She knows about my episodes, she knows my self harm, she knows my suicidal tendencies. But she chooses to ignore them and shame me. Its not a matter of "idk what to do". She knows.

My dad on the other hand will be distraught. Prob pray day in and day out. Hes very religious.

My parents are not the reason im here. My sister is. She understands but im afraid as she grows up she will take thw same route...its horrible.

 

[Gina]

This is the reason why I'm still lingering to this day.I wish i was never born.
Sorry that you are going through this

 

[DeepMind]

"I don't want to grow old and bury my parents. I can barely take care of myself at this point and it's only going to get worse."

Same here.

 

[uiop]

Im so sorry you had to endure all that..even more so seeing ur parents like that.

Honestly my mom would prob glare at my grave and say good riddance. No im not exaggerating. She knows about my episodes, she knows my self harm, she knows my suicidal tendencies. But she chooses to ignore them and shame me. Its not a matter of "idk what to do". She knows.

My dad on the other hand will be distraught. Prob pray day in and day out. Hes very religious.

My parents are not the reason im here. My sister is. She understands but im afraid as she grows up she will take thw same route...its horrible.

I'm sorry you feel that way about your mom. I want to say things to comfort you, but it'll just be all that bullshit family crap. Nobody needs that.

I can relate to you to some degree. In my household, we don't talk about our problems, especially issues regarding mental health. It's like an unspoken rule. We ignore them, and pretend to be a normal family, all so we wouldn't be shamed by our community. Everybody in my family - my mom, my dad, my brother - are not close. I still consider them family, and I love them. But I don't know if that love is out of obligation or actual family love. Our relationship is getting stronger now, so that's good news. It only took 27 years lol. But at this point, I just want to be alone.

 

[Kastema]

Honestly my mom would prob glare at my grave and say good riddance. No im not exaggerating. She knows about my episodes, she knows my self harm, she knows my suicidal tendencies. But she chooses to ignore them and shame me. Its not a matter of "idk what to do". She knows.

That's brutal. I'm sorry you're in this situation. I don't know what I would do without my parents' support.

I wish i was never born.

I know this feeling all too well. I've had it since I was a young child.

People say suicide is an easy way out and it pisses me off. There is nothing easy about this.

Is there any chance of you not ctbing?

I'll kill myself after my parents die at the latest. I've always known that. There is no way I'm surviving long enough to die naturally. I can barely get out of bed at 25. Imagine me at 70. No way.

 

[dandan]

I can barely get out of bed at 25. Imagine me at 70. No way.

damm... I can say im alright then, I wake up to excercise every morning, well havent done it in the past 3 weeks, but that was my habit... nothing I cant do....
but living with my regrets, with my thoughts, with what could've been.... damm... that I cant deal with

but the pure idea of my mom suffering if I kill myself is keeping me here....

 

[Kastema]

damm... I can say im alright then, I wake up to excercise every morning

Does that help? I've been considering starting to exercise a little just to pump some life into my body. I hear it helps with depression. Would you say you're depressed?

 

[dandan]

yes, and sure excercise does helped... did helped... I have 3 weeks I had not excercise, and it all started because I cut my self by accident and didnt want the bruise to open up.... but man... after 1 week or rest I decided to continue sleeping...
specially because I've been deeply considering to off myself...
but sure exercised worked before.... the thing is... that I really been thinking in drinking that N...

 

[Hotsackage]

I stayed alive for my parents. Now I'm to fked up to CBT myself. I'm 31 and understand you

 

[Kastema]

I stayed alive for my parents. Now I'm to fked up to CBT myself. I'm 31 and understand you

That sounds terrifying. Why can't you CTB? The plan I'm coming up with right now is to live for as long as I can, bury my parents and then just stop eating and drinking. I won't be able to get N then and hanging myself will be too difficult, but I'll always have control over whether I feed my body or not.

 

[Hotsackage]

That sounds terrifying. Why can't you CTB? The plan I'm coming up with right now is to live for as long as I can, bury my parents and then just stop eating and drinking. I won't be able to get N then and hanging myself will be too difficult, but I'll always have control over whether I feed my body or not.

I actually had thought about that. Seems only logical way to go. I suck at hanging myself. Meanwhile all these celebs get hanging right. Maybe if I can get N but I dont know where to buy

 

[Kastema]

I actually had thought about that. Seems only logical way to go. I suck at hanging myself. Meanwhile all these celebs get hanging right. Maybe if I can get N but I dont know where to buy

Here's a link to The Peaceful Pill Handbook:

PPeH2020 - Google Drive

drive.google.com

Go to the "Availability of Nembutal" section and you'll see where you can get it from.

 

[Hotsackage]

Here's a link to The Peaceful Pill Handbook:

PPeH2020 - Google Drive

drive.google.com

Go to the "Availability of Nembutal" section and you'll see where you can get it from.

Why you think hanging is to difficult

 

[Kastema]

Why you think hanging is to difficult

I tried it several times and couldn't bring myself to kick the chair. I just stood there, freaking out. It hurts, it's scary and it would be the last of last resorts for me. But I think can handle starving myself. It will take a while, but it will work.

 

[dandan]

I tried hanging.... its about repetition, so you can get it right....... but in the last moment Survivor Instict kicked in.... maybe the rope on my neck wasn't optimal.. partial hanging... not full suspension

 

[hegesias]

I consider having a child the worst crime of all. I see this world as a bad place created by a evil demiurge. I blame my parents for my suffering, so I don't care if they suffer when I ctb.