To preface this I need to give a brief story of my childhood. I was born to a drug dealer who cheated on his wife. He abused my sister and I and he even robbed my mother's house at gunpoint and told her to file for bankruptcy. She eventually decided to leave and get a divorce and he decided that neither of us were worth the child support and waived his visitation. Then my mother re-married and my stepdad was an abusive prick. He would physically abuse me (not my sister) any time he was upset. I suffered getting thrown from 3+ flights of stairs off a balcony, getting beaten to a bloody pulp, and when I was lucky he would only wind me with a gut punch. This continued from age ~6 or 7 to around 14 or 15 when DCS got involved. He would then get creative and find other ways to make my life hell. I won't go into them here, but they were pretty demeaning and I really wouldn't wish it upon anyone. For the majority of my life I was never really happy. I assume my stepdad was bipolar because one moment he would seemingly be cheery and the next I'm seeing stars. I had been through a few romantic relationships in my life and I never really connected with anyone except 2 people. One of those two I haven't seen in quite a while and lost touch with. The other was the first person in my life that made me happy. He made my shitty existence seem like it was more than worth it. We were happy and in pure bliss for about 9 months and he even alluded to marriage. I was ecstatic and on cloud 9 I didn't even care about anything else. I was going to continue living and do anything I could to make him happy. I was completely selfless for himself and would sacrifice myself for him without hesitation. He was also ecstatic and loved me so much and I finally felt like everything had finally paid off. I felt like I had reached that light at the end of the dark tunnel. I felt invincible when I was with him and I could see the future he had talked about. It was the first true dream I had ever had (other than getting away from my abusers) and it was almost within my reach. I shouldn't have been so naive. Disaster struck—My boyfriend and I got in a terrible car accident and it was all my fault. The person I knew died in that car crash and he was never the same. He shut me out and left me in the dark for 2 months. When I was finally able to confront him he acted like he thought we already broke up. He later explained he didn't want to hurt my feelings and I knew it was my fault. His personality did a 180 after the accident and it could've been prevented. On top of that I left him in debt that he's going to have for the next 7 years because of me. I found out after my a little bit after 18th birthday (we were still together and it was just a few weeks before the crash) that I had started showing signs of cancer, but like I said I felt invincible and I didn't care so I ignored it. A few days before New Year's Eve I had to break up with him because he didn't have the heart to do it. I knew after 2 months if he didn't do it I had to say goodbye for him. I found out that night he was cheating on me and he didn't have the heart to tell me. I wanted to ctb that night. I decided I was going to keep going for a while so he wouldn't have to live with that guilt. I eventually decided to get screened so I could put that worry aside. I have never smoked but I spent a lot of my time as a kid at my grandparents and they were big smokers. I was told that I had "(3C) stage 3 non-small lung cancer". At this point my life has been a sick joke. I was told I have about 13 months left with the proper diet and exercise. I didn't want to tell anyone about it because I didn't want them to be sad or waste their money on me. I was already told it couldn't be removed. Jumping to the present it hurts so much to breathe and it's only going to get worse. I eventually got kicked out by my stepdad because he said "He didn't want to deal with me anymore". I have since been living with a friend. I don't want to weigh them down either because his family is kind but they aren't well off.
I have two options and I don't win in either.
#1 I selfishly ctb to end the physical and emotional pain, but I hurt everyone I love.
#2 I stick it out and suffer till the bitter end and still hurt those I love, but at least it wasn't by my own hand.
I don't know what to do. I've been told I'm a talented with computers and chemicals. I was going to be a Red Team pentester because I love cyber security, but if what my doctor said is true I'll be dead before I even finish college (even though I'm almost finished with my 2-year because I did DE through highschool)
I'm just looking for someone to listen and maybe even some advice. If you have anything please let me know.
I have two options and I don't win in either.
#1 I selfishly ctb to end the physical and emotional pain, but I hurt everyone I love.
#2 I stick it out and suffer till the bitter end and still hurt those I love, but at least it wasn't by my own hand.
I don't know what to do. I've been told I'm a talented with computers and chemicals. I was going to be a Red Team pentester because I love cyber security, but if what my doctor said is true I'll be dead before I even finish college (even though I'm almost finished with my 2-year because I did DE through highschool)
I'm just looking for someone to listen and maybe even some advice. If you have anything please let me know.
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