shes really amazing and i love her so much, im not sure what im more scared of- losing her, or making her life worse by being in it.
unfortunately i dont trust anyone else around me to not call 911 if i open up, id be held for who knows how long and it would really mess up what little i do have going for me. my gf knows that if i were to be held in hospital it would make things much worse for me; but my few friends i dont think would understand.
thank you though <3 talking to people about it, even if anonymously is really helpful in calming me down and letting me think less impulsively.
yeah... i feel like a lot of our relationships issues right now are due to me self sabotaging, not intentionally, but pushing her away and getting far too upset over little things. subconsciously i think its like "if she leaves me, i dont have to be anxious about her leaving me anymore"
I don't think you're making her life worse by being in it. That's a rough situation, not being able to talk to anyone in person about it. In any capacity, I hope that talking here is helpful enough to at least compare to talking to people irl about it.
I also post here in lieu of telling my mom, or my ex sometimes. Other times I do open up a little to them.
But I can also say I relate to the friends not being able to understand part of your message, I certainly don't believe my friends understand what I'm going through most times, they try I think but not successfully.
You're very welcome, you can always message me on here if you need to talk or something, obviously completely up to you. I am not on here super often, I'm on irregularly lol. Sometimes multiple times a day sometimes I might be gone for days at a time. Either way, I just want to put that out there.
I sound like a broken record but I also self-sabotage a lot as well. It's an off cycle, I pushed her away to distance her from me so she didn't have to worry about me and it made her more worried and eventually became too much.
Anyways, my best advice is try to communicate your worries in a pressure free way. Like you could tell her your worries and some of the stuff you told us here, and I think she would understand it. I agree that it seems like you have an amazing partner, sounds very understanding of your struggles :)