Venting My only friend may, probably will, ctb because of our relationship.

[ALittleBurden]

The story of our friendship (1.), recent events (2.), my current situation (3.) and the way the future can go (4.) are one huge mess... I'm writing this post mostly for myself, so I want to include everything that's on my mind, but for the convenience of those who may want to read this I've separated it into those 4 parts, as well as I've hidden any unnecessary stuff as spoilers.

Spoiler: It's all horribly written

Also, sorry if it's hard to read, English isn't my native language, my brain's dead rn and I've been sitting over this for MANY hours, so even I lost the track of what's written in here.

Spoiler: To my friend

One more thing, just in case: A., if you're seeing this and you recognise it's me, please don't read this. Just ignore me on this forum.

~ Since that thread ended up being INCREDIBLY FUCKING LONG here's a "Too Long; Won't Read" version:

Spoiler: TL; WR

I met my online friend two years ago. It was an accident but we got along as two depressed fucks with dark sense of humour. Unfortunately at some point he fell in love with me, and I can't even grow attachment to others. For a long time we ignored this subject and I strongly believed it's just the kind of love between friends and that it's nothing serious. Just recently shit got really serious. I realised that his love was way powerful then I expected and that this whole time he really hoped we could end up together. Finally, few days ago, we settled once and for all it's not going to happen. He then asked for some time alone, but yesterday I sent one last message just to cheer him up a bit. He later replied, acting like he was alright and we were normally chatting even today. This didn't last however. He explained what is he going through and that he needs bit of isolation. Unfortunately, he also admitted to having suicidal thoughts recently and that if I won't get a text after 3 weeks it means he's gone. Now, I do see chances that he's going to make it this time, however I don't think it will be possible when I'll ctb. I need to do it, I'll try as soon as I can, but it's just wrong that I will take him with me. He accidentally met someone as broken as me and now it's pushing him closer to the edge of life. He's going to pay with his life for me being broken. I can't understand how everything escalated to this point, I got shocked so much I'm currently in Dissociation Land™ and I have no idea wtf I'm going to do if he comes back. Woohoo!

Now, fuck me, let's get into this...

1. Our history in a nutshell goes like this: we've met over 2 years ago on the internet (our entire relation is online only). We got along quickly, we were both depressed and didn't had a lot of other people that could be there for us; all of this caused our relationship do develop at a pretty fast rate. It meant a lot for him as he valued my support more than I ever thought it would... And at some point he fell in love with me...

That's where the fun begins, especially since not only I don't love him back, but I'm generally unable to grow any attachment to anyone

Spoiler: Unnecessary details

(I didn't straight off tell him that, since I didn't want him to worry about me even more; instead I watered it down, saying shit like how I can't really feel love, for no reason, "it's just how I am")

, what often makes me a harsh company

Spoiler: Depiction of how harsh I can be

(to give you an idea of how badly it can be: since my personality is very unstable it can reach extreme behaviours - I sometimes feel I would have no problem with slaughtering everyone I know, or even get to point when I actually wish I could do it; and it's not something rare so I have to treat it as a completely valid version of myself; although I do my best not to show the entirety of this hatred)

. We weren't talking a lot about it though. Usually when the topic had an occasion to come up I'd change the subject, often like a dickhead, so eventually we were both avoiding it. It stayed like that for a long time, until recently.

2. Lately it appeared that this emotional burden became heavier for him, becoming unbearable at its peaks. He started to mention love more often, sometimes casually, sometimes seriously, from time to time expressing a lot of pain. This marked the end of our sweet denial - up until now I was telling myself that what he feels is really just a light friend-love, and as long as we're good buds, it's all going to be ok; while he was hoping I may still find in my heart the same emotion he carries in his... but now we knew neither of these versions were true. The time has come, when we had to settle it once and for all.

Spoiler: I must confess that I'm a little fucking idiot

(I need to get the fact, that I'm a fucking moron, off my chest here, haha! You see, that time would come up anyway - well, unless I'd fkn ctb first, hah - but in this very case it was my fault. That one time when the matter of emotions appeared on the horizon, instead of just avoiding it I tried to turn it into a joke. Needless to say it was a mistake, 'n' it triggered the discussion, which wouldn't happen otherwise. To make things worse I couldn't realise how major the situation was, for a really long time; so while he was getting crushed, I was like "shit happens". Again, I know getting the issue of love straight was unavoidable, and it shouldn't have waited for so long in the first place, but I do have one question lurking in the back of my mind - if I wouldn't act this way at the time, could it all wait until some other moment, when it would be easier for him? Maybe yes, maybe not... I won't be thinking about it rn, it doesn't matter anyway...)

He simply asked me if there's a way we could be together, and I straight off said "no". He only asked me for some time in peace so he can get over it. It's safe to say that this one question turned out to be the most significant moment of our story, unfortunately I really wasn't aware of it. Only after few days I started to see how unusually insensitive I was, and yesterday I sent him a message. In it, I asked him to excuse me for breaking the silence, but I wanted to apologise for my lack of empathy and thank him for everything he has done for me; because I thought that will take some of the weight, which was caused by my cold rejection, away from his recovery.

He messaged me later that day and it seemed things were getting better really quickly. He gave some short, positive reply to my apologies, saying he'll be ok, and started some casual conversation. That calm atmosphere lasted even for today's midday.

Then I got a new message: it was pretty long and started off by saying that now he can finally give me a proper reply to those earlier apologies of mine. He explained how it's really tough for him and it will require more time of complete isolation, so naturally my interruption would be harmful.

All in all it sounded pretty hopeful, but there was still a last bit of this message ahead of me. He admitted that during last few days he started to consider suicide, so if three weeks will pass and I won't get any message - it will mean he's in a better place now.

3. Bang! Truth about his state has finally showed up to blast into my ignorance's face.

Spoiler: My reply

He said that if he'll be gone then he wants me to just forget about him and continue living my life. My first reaction was to get him to talk about this, but I felt it wouldn't work or it'd even make things harder, and I should let him be alone as he wishes, so I only had short goodbyes, saying that I would never forget about him.

I'm no hypocrite - I'm not going to try to force him into staying here, especially since I myself plan on leaving some time this year, as soon as I can. I'm also not suddenly all in love and feeling that I can't lose him. I know who I am, that I could never understand what is he going through, and he knows better how he feels about his life (after all, love ,even though it triggered our current situation, isn't the only problem, he's been already depressed without it) and what's going to be best for him.

But even though this thread has been saying otherwise so far - I'm not always completely heartless either. I don't really have one personality; there are many different individuals living in my head, and although I can control my actions, it's not that easy with some thoughts and emotions.

Seeing that message was a huge shock. A shock that ripped me out of reality, starting a period of dissociation that will last for who knows how long. It impacted everything in my head, initiating a new kind of chaos. Being empathetic and getting attached aren't my skills, but even I can't be blind to the tragedy now.

It just makes me think how unlucky this poor fuck is... He shouldn't have met me, it happened by pure accident, but here we are... And it isn't even the full picture of my worries.

4. I actually believe there is some significant chance that he won't commit suicide now, but as I said earlier, I want to ctb soon. I can't take this anymore, I just want everything to be finally over, and the sole thought of not being able to kill myself gives me a panic attack, from mild to major. He doesn't know about it tho. There are many things I didn't ever want to tell him about, and they stayed untold forever. Even if he knew it wouldn't change much... The point is, as long as I could tell myself his love wasn't so deep and strong, I could tell myself he will make it through the loss. In cases when we were talking about death I would mention that if I were to die first, I want him to live his best life, because it always seemed to me that there is a hope for him to live happily. If he said that he wouldn't want to, I would put emphasis on how this is what I want, because - again - I believe in him and in what he can achieve. But now...

It's all so fucked up I can't believe it's reality. The only person I allowed to get a bit closer to me (and I still kept a pretty huge fucking distance - there are really many things he doesn't know about me, because opening up would bring our connection to a serious level, with that being said - I honestly wouldn't even call our relationship profound, that's why I could never see how much it can affect his life) is now facing the bus stop.

The one and only person I call my friend will pay with his life for me being broken.

It shouldn't be like this but that's the reality. I really can't comprehend how did we ended up here. How could all of this even happen...? Once again I wish I could close my eyes and just perish, because it's beyond my understanding how can life keep coming up with new atrocities.

I don't even know what will I do if he'll come back after those few weeks... I don't want him to know I'm suicidal. I don't want it to end this way, it's just not right, but the future seems to be sealed - we will both die. He will pay with his life for me being broken...

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

Okay whoa there! I read everything but the spoilers.

Gonna share a different perspective.

When a friend discloses feelings for you and you don't respond that you reciprocate, that is a gentle way of sending the message. One who is adept at social cues and has a sense of confidence in their self will understand the message and either let it go, or let the relationship go.

If they persist, it is an excellent course of action to address it directly and say no. This leaves no room for confusion or doubt. They then can decide whether to let it go or let the relationship go.

You. handled. things. fine.

You are not responsible for other people's yards. They are responsible for watering their own grass and pulling their own weeds. That means they, not others, own and are responsible for their feelings, desires, thoughts, and actions.

I think you are confusing empathy with tending someone else's yard.

I believe he is emotionally blackmailing you. He shows very clear signs that he would be abusive in an in-person relationship. You would be confused, you would take blame for things not your fault. The pattern begins by getting close quickly and putting you on a pedestal, then making you responsible for his happiness, his well being, and eventually his life. Eventually, you will get knocked off the pedestal, made wrong for everything in his life when previously you were so right, then into the blame and confusion, diminishing you for all that he previously praised you for, then physical abuse escalating from the minor to the major, and potentially ending in murder or murder-suicide.

I'm not being melodramatic here. It's a pattern. He is trying to pull you in any way he can to feed off of your life force, your goodness, your compassion, and when he doesn't get his non-nom, he makes it your fault and makes threats so that you will take responsibility for him because he never will.

I sincerely doubt he will ctb. He's likely going to keep stringing you along so he can suck all the attention and emotion from you that he can.

Okay, climbing off my soapbox now and putting down my sword of righteousness.

This is not on you. Sending a little water to your yard so you can get your hose back.

Now, fuck me, let's get into this...

 

[ALittleBurden]

Okay whoa there! I read everything but the spoilers.

Gonna share a different perspective.

When a friend discloses feelings for you and you don't respond that you reciprocate, that is a gentle way of sending the message. One who is adept at social cues and has a sense of confidence in their self will understand the message and either let it go, or let the relationship go.

If they persist, it is an excellent course of action to address it directly and say no. This leaves no room for confusion or doubt. They then can decide whether to let it go or let the relationship go.

You. handled. things. fine.

You are not responsible for other people's yards. They are responsible for watering their own grass and pulling their own weeds. That means they, not others, own and are responsible for their feelings, desires, thoughts, and actions.

I think you are confusing empathy with tending someone else's yard.

I believe he is emotionally blackmailing you. He shows very clear signs that he would be abusive in an in-person relationship. You would be confused, you would take blame for things not your fault. The pattern begins by getting close quickly and putting you on a pedestal, then making you responsible for his happiness, his well being, and eventually his life. Eventually, you will get knocked off the pedestal, made wrong for everything in his life when previously you were so right, then into the blame and confusion, diminishing you for all that he previously praised you for, then physical abuse escalating from the minor to the major, and potentially ending in murder or murder-suicide.

I'm not being melodramatic here. It's a pattern. He is trying to pull you in any way he can to feed off of your life force, your goodness, your compassion, and when he doesn't get his non-nom, he makes it your fault and makes threats so that you will take responsibility for him because he never will.

I sincerely doubt he will ctb. He's likely going to keep stringing you along so he can suck all the attention and emotion from you that he can.

Okay, climbing off my soapbox now and putting down my sword of righteousness.

This is not on you. Sending a little water to your yard so you can get your hose back.

I understand how you got this conclusion, but you can trust me, it's not the case. I've known enough abusive people to know how it works, but that guy is really a good friend. For all this time he never failed to be there for me, even when I was being a total asshole.

Only in the recent days he's been honestly expressing his pain and it just seems to be a huge meltdown. A point when he couldn't say "it's fine" anymore and everything just spilled out.

Fuck, he's really been a good friend...

Even now he wasn't mad at me or blaming me. He said that I'm his best friend and he's sorry that emotions got into our relationship, but it was not my fault. And he still wants to be there for me.

Now, I know that there wasn't much I could do that would lead to a better scenario, and I'm not blaming myself per se.

I'm blaming all the coincidences and accidents. We were both doing our best to take care of this friendship, and yet everything ended up like this, without anyone's fault... That's the core of tragedy.

And now when I'll be ctb, there's going to be someone who cares about me too much to just get over it. That's one thing I thought I won't ever have to worry about, hah.

Just, how can life be such a bitch...?

 

[ALittleBurden]

I've always been a loner and I was fine with it. I've rarely kept contact for a longer time with anyone, and sooner or later I would cut them off, when I was getting bored of them. In just this one case I've decided to keep the friendship alive and now it has become a source of pain.

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

Well, there are people who are intentionally, and aggressively abusive, and there are those who are passive, who slide down to it and take the other with them, who don't recognize they are in a pattern of becoming an abuser. I firmly stand by what I said about the pattern, but I do not demand that you accept it.

I also stand by what I said about you taking responsibility for watering his yard. Again, I do not demand that you accept it.

I do understand what you are saying about finally having a friend and how things have now become so much more complicated. I am sad that you do not have the foundation yet for managing this new experience, as it sounds like he also does not have foundations for managing his experience.

I wish you peace and support, I hope you're finding some here.

 

[ALittleBurden]

I do appreciate the concern about the impact this relationship has on me, but I still advice not to worry about any possible toxicity, so I'd put that aside.
Instead, I could hear opinion of others on one subject, although I really don't know what will I do in the end.

The thing is that I'm not sure how to act, if my friend will come back, on the subject of me ctb sooner or later. Since on one hand I'm aware that I can't know about everything he's going through, but on the other, I still believe there is hope for him to find happiness and live in peace, and I don't want to drag him into nothingness with me. My death would be a massive shock for him and it would make him suicidal again; as well as warning him beforehand about my plans would likely cause him to prepare himself for ending it all, rather than for getting over the loss.
One of the plans I'm considering, is to remind him about my faith in his future, hoping he would gain some faith as well; and also to tell him that for a long time I've been considering starting a new life, as an escape from "the dark place" I'm currently in. That it would require me to cut off from everything I have ever known - including himself - but it would solve my problems and make me happy.
I think the idea that I'm living on fulfilled would be less painful than truth, or no information on my disappearance at all. Especially if my last wish was for him to keep going and not give up.
I still deeply believe that my death would cause a significant risk of him ctb, and I really don't want this to happen. It's already incredibly difficult for me to get through the anxiety and SI to end the pain, and I don't think I can handle the thought of taking someone to the grave with me.