WhenTheSunHits95
♡ mi dispiace mamma, ti amo ♡
- Aug 29, 2023
- 35
I don't know that this will ever reach the eyes of someone, but if it does, I'll cut to the chase and say that im hoping these will be my final words. Anyone who knows me knows I talk too much when im nervous so this will likely be very long. I don't want anything to go unsaid, though its likely a thing or two will slip my mind.
I have been chronically suicidal and depressed my entire life starting around age 9 and have had multiple attempts or "close calls". Some of you have been around long enough to have witnessed a couple of those. I know I've gained a "girl who cried suicide" reputation amongst some people and I guess all I can say is I am sorry I didn't kill myself? I don't know. Anyway, just want to get that out of the way as I expect some people to roll their eyes at this, and I understand, I really do. But I digress.
The pain I have been coping with for over a decade now has reached a point where I no longer can cope. Be it emotional or physical, I have reached a point that I cannot live with it anymore. I've explored many avenues of treatment and have seen no noticable improvement. As life goes on,'m finding that the pain is increasing. I've been a woman of organization lately so I will be splitting this into digestible sections, as there's a lot I want to say.
I. No one is at fault.
Though, yes, many people have hurt me, I do not put this decision on anyone else but myself. I don't want anyone to stress over feeling though they didn't do enough, or question whether something hurtful they did pushed me to this decision. Absolutely not. I don't even blame the people who did irreparable damage. I will not name drop, those who I'm close with know though. Regardless, my main ask if that no one feel guilt. This is a decision that has been well thought out and has nothing to do with anyone else and whether or not they were "there for me". I know I am loved, those closest to me make me feel loved every day. And for that I am grateful. Thank you.
II. The real reason
I have suffered from the aftermath of CSA and extreme poverty/homelessness for other 20 years. It was only within the last 5 years that I began acknowledging a lot of my pain and odd behavior (promiscuity, over sexualizing myself, accepting mistreatment as love, etc) stemmed from that. I have sought many forms of therapy for this. Ranging from specialized trauma therapy, EMDR, group therapy, inpatient, medication, etc. I have found healing in the form of forgiveness, but the emotional and physical symptoms persist. I don't think I need to go into detail about PTSD, we all know what it is and you're all smart. That being said, it is incredibly painful and frustrating and I kept a lot of it to myself as to not scare anyone or come across as "crazy".
Additionally, for the last 2 years or so, I have been suffering from persecutory delusions. I often believed my food and beverages were poisoned. I often wasted said food and drinks and trashed them because my mind would spiral and I'd be convinced someone poisoned me. It may seem ironic that I'm speaking of being scared about being poisoned within my note, and honestly, yeah, fair. It doesn't have to make sense, I just want to make this part of my psyche known as to paint a picture of what I have been living with.
Furthermore, the physical pain. Aside from a tinge of sciatica and every day aches and pains, the consequences of an eating disorder have permanently affected my body. Absolute anguish from toothaches from destroying my teeth with purging, going to the bathroom is painful from other ED behaviors, my muscles ache constantly, etc. I do not have access to adequate healthcare to seek treatment or alleviation from these issues.
And, of course, the obvious one, depression. I don't think I need to explain that one. I have felt little to no joy in my life for many years. Its agony. That is all.
III. Forgiveness
I forgive all those who have hurt me in big ways or small. Every ex who cheated on me, hit me, etc. My school bullies. The men who raped me. The friends who left in my times of deepest need. I forgive them.
IIII. My own apologies
It'd be remiss for me to not acknowledge the hurt and frustration I've caused in my time on this earth. I've borrowed money I can't pay back, I've projected my emotional state onto others, I've hurt people with my drinking, I've talked shit about people who don't deserve it, I've been temperamental and bitchy, and I know there's more. My hurtful actions to others certainly contribute to a lot of the self hatred I feel. I wish I could sit down with everyone individually and apologize. And to those I still owe money to posthumously, arrangements will be made for beneficiaries of my life insurance to pay you. I don't want this to seem like Im trying to evade my responsibilities.
IIIII. (Cats name)
My sweet son. I know you're a cat, but you've been the greatest support I've ever had. I was blessed to have a kitty as sweet as you come into my life. If my ex who helped my pay for your adoption fee is reading this, I want her to know how grateful I am. Your care after my passing will be arranged so you can continue to live a happy life full of love and those treats you love that smell like ass. You will be with someone I trust deeply and you'll have kitty friends there. I love you so much my little guy. I know you're going to be so confused and I'm so fucking sorry. I wish there was a way I could communicate that to you. Thank you for bringing comfort into my life these last couple of years. You're the sweetest kitty anyone could ask for.
IIIIII. Mom
Oh, mama. You're the one I'm afraid of hurting most. You are such a great mom. You have always been so accepting and understanding of me. You tried so fucking hard. All the therapy and psychiatrist appointments, driving over an hour to see me in the hospital, walking in on me hurting myself and never judging or telling me to get over it. Accepted me when I came out of the closet, embraced it even. You were always there for me when I needed you and I am so lucky to have had a mom like you. You're so strong. You've been through more than I can imagine and somehow you've persevered. Better than I could, apparently. I love you so so so much mamochka. I know this is going to destroy you and I can't apologize enough. Please just know that, again, this isn't a matter of you nor anyone else "not doing enough". You've done so much. I just cannot go on this way anymore.
IIIIIII. Friends
Fuck, I love you all so much. Thank you for all the laughs, the conversations, the beers, the weird ass nights. Thank you for loving and accepting me. Just, thank you. I'm entrusting you all to make sure that whatever services there may be, to not let certain people attend. I'm entrusting that if people you know I dislike try to use my death for sympathy, you will call them out and embarrass the fuck out of them. If you hear people I dislike talking about my death out at bars or shows, slap them as hard as you can and say it's what I would have wanted.
IIIIIIII. Final wishes
I want good to come from my leaving. Love everyone around you as much as you can. Tell strangers you love them just because they made you laugh. Call your mom and friends more. Make more music. Pursue that standup comedy career. Hug more. Be patient with those hurting around you. Don't accept anything less than you know you deserve. Use my doormat DMs as a place to vent if you have nowhere else. Do the things I couldn't find the strength to do. Ask that person out. Apply for that university. Cut your hair the way you've been wanting to. Be unapologetic in everything you do. Always. I love you all. I'm sorry, truly, that my pain hindered me from expressing that love as much as I would have liked to.
IIIIIIIII. Summation
Its been a hard life. Its been perilous and strange and annoying. But YOU, even if you just liked a few pictures of mine, brought some semblance of joy into my life. Everyone who's gone to shows with me, everyone who believed in me when I tried to start a band, every friend who let me cry to them, every ex who showed me love, every hug, every late night message to check in on me, it all meant something. I cannot stress enough that this is not the fault of anyone. I just need to go. I love you all.
- (My Name)
theres some typos lmao i'll fix that later.
I have been chronically suicidal and depressed my entire life starting around age 9 and have had multiple attempts or "close calls". Some of you have been around long enough to have witnessed a couple of those. I know I've gained a "girl who cried suicide" reputation amongst some people and I guess all I can say is I am sorry I didn't kill myself? I don't know. Anyway, just want to get that out of the way as I expect some people to roll their eyes at this, and I understand, I really do. But I digress.
The pain I have been coping with for over a decade now has reached a point where I no longer can cope. Be it emotional or physical, I have reached a point that I cannot live with it anymore. I've explored many avenues of treatment and have seen no noticable improvement. As life goes on,'m finding that the pain is increasing. I've been a woman of organization lately so I will be splitting this into digestible sections, as there's a lot I want to say.
I. No one is at fault.
Though, yes, many people have hurt me, I do not put this decision on anyone else but myself. I don't want anyone to stress over feeling though they didn't do enough, or question whether something hurtful they did pushed me to this decision. Absolutely not. I don't even blame the people who did irreparable damage. I will not name drop, those who I'm close with know though. Regardless, my main ask if that no one feel guilt. This is a decision that has been well thought out and has nothing to do with anyone else and whether or not they were "there for me". I know I am loved, those closest to me make me feel loved every day. And for that I am grateful. Thank you.
II. The real reason
I have suffered from the aftermath of CSA and extreme poverty/homelessness for other 20 years. It was only within the last 5 years that I began acknowledging a lot of my pain and odd behavior (promiscuity, over sexualizing myself, accepting mistreatment as love, etc) stemmed from that. I have sought many forms of therapy for this. Ranging from specialized trauma therapy, EMDR, group therapy, inpatient, medication, etc. I have found healing in the form of forgiveness, but the emotional and physical symptoms persist. I don't think I need to go into detail about PTSD, we all know what it is and you're all smart. That being said, it is incredibly painful and frustrating and I kept a lot of it to myself as to not scare anyone or come across as "crazy".
Additionally, for the last 2 years or so, I have been suffering from persecutory delusions. I often believed my food and beverages were poisoned. I often wasted said food and drinks and trashed them because my mind would spiral and I'd be convinced someone poisoned me. It may seem ironic that I'm speaking of being scared about being poisoned within my note, and honestly, yeah, fair. It doesn't have to make sense, I just want to make this part of my psyche known as to paint a picture of what I have been living with.
Furthermore, the physical pain. Aside from a tinge of sciatica and every day aches and pains, the consequences of an eating disorder have permanently affected my body. Absolute anguish from toothaches from destroying my teeth with purging, going to the bathroom is painful from other ED behaviors, my muscles ache constantly, etc. I do not have access to adequate healthcare to seek treatment or alleviation from these issues.
And, of course, the obvious one, depression. I don't think I need to explain that one. I have felt little to no joy in my life for many years. Its agony. That is all.
III. Forgiveness
I forgive all those who have hurt me in big ways or small. Every ex who cheated on me, hit me, etc. My school bullies. The men who raped me. The friends who left in my times of deepest need. I forgive them.
IIII. My own apologies
It'd be remiss for me to not acknowledge the hurt and frustration I've caused in my time on this earth. I've borrowed money I can't pay back, I've projected my emotional state onto others, I've hurt people with my drinking, I've talked shit about people who don't deserve it, I've been temperamental and bitchy, and I know there's more. My hurtful actions to others certainly contribute to a lot of the self hatred I feel. I wish I could sit down with everyone individually and apologize. And to those I still owe money to posthumously, arrangements will be made for beneficiaries of my life insurance to pay you. I don't want this to seem like Im trying to evade my responsibilities.
IIIII. (Cats name)
My sweet son. I know you're a cat, but you've been the greatest support I've ever had. I was blessed to have a kitty as sweet as you come into my life. If my ex who helped my pay for your adoption fee is reading this, I want her to know how grateful I am. Your care after my passing will be arranged so you can continue to live a happy life full of love and those treats you love that smell like ass. You will be with someone I trust deeply and you'll have kitty friends there. I love you so much my little guy. I know you're going to be so confused and I'm so fucking sorry. I wish there was a way I could communicate that to you. Thank you for bringing comfort into my life these last couple of years. You're the sweetest kitty anyone could ask for.
IIIIII. Mom
Oh, mama. You're the one I'm afraid of hurting most. You are such a great mom. You have always been so accepting and understanding of me. You tried so fucking hard. All the therapy and psychiatrist appointments, driving over an hour to see me in the hospital, walking in on me hurting myself and never judging or telling me to get over it. Accepted me when I came out of the closet, embraced it even. You were always there for me when I needed you and I am so lucky to have had a mom like you. You're so strong. You've been through more than I can imagine and somehow you've persevered. Better than I could, apparently. I love you so so so much mamochka. I know this is going to destroy you and I can't apologize enough. Please just know that, again, this isn't a matter of you nor anyone else "not doing enough". You've done so much. I just cannot go on this way anymore.
IIIIIII. Friends
Fuck, I love you all so much. Thank you for all the laughs, the conversations, the beers, the weird ass nights. Thank you for loving and accepting me. Just, thank you. I'm entrusting you all to make sure that whatever services there may be, to not let certain people attend. I'm entrusting that if people you know I dislike try to use my death for sympathy, you will call them out and embarrass the fuck out of them. If you hear people I dislike talking about my death out at bars or shows, slap them as hard as you can and say it's what I would have wanted.
IIIIIIII. Final wishes
I want good to come from my leaving. Love everyone around you as much as you can. Tell strangers you love them just because they made you laugh. Call your mom and friends more. Make more music. Pursue that standup comedy career. Hug more. Be patient with those hurting around you. Don't accept anything less than you know you deserve. Use my doormat DMs as a place to vent if you have nowhere else. Do the things I couldn't find the strength to do. Ask that person out. Apply for that university. Cut your hair the way you've been wanting to. Be unapologetic in everything you do. Always. I love you all. I'm sorry, truly, that my pain hindered me from expressing that love as much as I would have liked to.
IIIIIIIII. Summation
Its been a hard life. Its been perilous and strange and annoying. But YOU, even if you just liked a few pictures of mine, brought some semblance of joy into my life. Everyone who's gone to shows with me, everyone who believed in me when I tried to start a band, every friend who let me cry to them, every ex who showed me love, every hug, every late night message to check in on me, it all meant something. I cannot stress enough that this is not the fault of anyone. I just need to go. I love you all.
- (My Name)
theres some typos lmao i'll fix that later.
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