Emptiness
Member
- Mar 26, 2019
- 24
First of all, English is not my mother language, so I need to do an additional effort to write well; in any case, apologies in advance for my poor English.
I'm nearly my thirties and both my childhood and teens have been stained by constant bullying which I suffered for almost ten years. This generated a vicious circle in the form of a devastation spiral, as I describe next. By nature, I am an extremely introvert person (caused partially by the insecurity coming from my ugliness), which always has severely burdened my relationships with people, especially with the opposite sex. This, together with terrible looks, is cannon foder for bullies, which see in a person satisfying these conditions a great chance to bully him with relative ease, in order to gain further social status. In turn, as I was suffering it, that made me even more insecure and introverted, which, again, in turn made me even more susceptible to be bullied, and so on. That's where the vicious circle comes from.
The result of all this has been a broken toy at the adulthood. Although my academic performance was pretty good (especially once I stopped being bullied, but by the mere effect of aging, not because of own merits) and that now I have a well-paid job related with my postgraduate studies, I have not been able to overcome all the side effects that such empty and dark period of my life left me. Being exposed for almost a full decade and almost day by day to all kind of humiliations without receiving the slightest sign of affectivity or empathy can be critical, especially at an early age. And indeed it was in my case.
To put it even worse, my looks and the psychological devastation caused by that period has deprivated me of any kind of chance to alleviate that pain, by finding someone of the opposite sex with which heal these wounds with the affectivity that I was lacking back then. However, this is only normal, because everything is related and the answer can be found easily by analyzing the issue under a more objective point of view through biologic considerations: my genetics is pure garbage, and such misfortune has been the main catalyst of the bullying I received and the rejection of the opposite sex. It makes no sense to blame society for this, yet neither blame myself for having lost the genetic lottery. This was just random misfortune, no more no less. And while it is true that free will implied to my bullies attacking me as an option and not as an imperative, which makes them directly guilty of my suffering, it's also true that this is how the social hirearchy works among most living beings: the weaker ones are suppressed and do not reproduce for the good of the species.
Now, despite living under a financially stable situation and working with something related with my intellectual interests, I feel that the sensation of pain that has been besieging me for almost my whole life has transcended to a different plane, until creating a sensation of an absolute emptiness and existential nihilism. I feel that everything that I was suspecting even when I was still a child is actually happening at a baffling accuracy. The "best" period of human life has been completely wasted away in my case and all what remains for me is a monotone life while walking alone through a descending slope, in which the aging effects and their consequences in the health will lower even more my inner integrity.
For all these considerations, and after separating the most visceral point of views (conditioned by feelings) from the most rational ones (cold-hearted thoughts), I have concluded under any of both points of view that the most efficient choice is to put end to my life. After all, I have not asked anybody to live nor gave anybody permission to bring me there. So, it is only natural to have the will to disappear from a world in which not only I have not requested to live in, but also has been too hostile and cruel with me, and that in fact can be unbelievably hostile and cruel with so many people at absolutely insane levels.
I'm nearly my thirties and both my childhood and teens have been stained by constant bullying which I suffered for almost ten years. This generated a vicious circle in the form of a devastation spiral, as I describe next. By nature, I am an extremely introvert person (caused partially by the insecurity coming from my ugliness), which always has severely burdened my relationships with people, especially with the opposite sex. This, together with terrible looks, is cannon foder for bullies, which see in a person satisfying these conditions a great chance to bully him with relative ease, in order to gain further social status. In turn, as I was suffering it, that made me even more insecure and introverted, which, again, in turn made me even more susceptible to be bullied, and so on. That's where the vicious circle comes from.
The result of all this has been a broken toy at the adulthood. Although my academic performance was pretty good (especially once I stopped being bullied, but by the mere effect of aging, not because of own merits) and that now I have a well-paid job related with my postgraduate studies, I have not been able to overcome all the side effects that such empty and dark period of my life left me. Being exposed for almost a full decade and almost day by day to all kind of humiliations without receiving the slightest sign of affectivity or empathy can be critical, especially at an early age. And indeed it was in my case.
To put it even worse, my looks and the psychological devastation caused by that period has deprivated me of any kind of chance to alleviate that pain, by finding someone of the opposite sex with which heal these wounds with the affectivity that I was lacking back then. However, this is only normal, because everything is related and the answer can be found easily by analyzing the issue under a more objective point of view through biologic considerations: my genetics is pure garbage, and such misfortune has been the main catalyst of the bullying I received and the rejection of the opposite sex. It makes no sense to blame society for this, yet neither blame myself for having lost the genetic lottery. This was just random misfortune, no more no less. And while it is true that free will implied to my bullies attacking me as an option and not as an imperative, which makes them directly guilty of my suffering, it's also true that this is how the social hirearchy works among most living beings: the weaker ones are suppressed and do not reproduce for the good of the species.
Now, despite living under a financially stable situation and working with something related with my intellectual interests, I feel that the sensation of pain that has been besieging me for almost my whole life has transcended to a different plane, until creating a sensation of an absolute emptiness and existential nihilism. I feel that everything that I was suspecting even when I was still a child is actually happening at a baffling accuracy. The "best" period of human life has been completely wasted away in my case and all what remains for me is a monotone life while walking alone through a descending slope, in which the aging effects and their consequences in the health will lower even more my inner integrity.
For all these considerations, and after separating the most visceral point of views (conditioned by feelings) from the most rational ones (cold-hearted thoughts), I have concluded under any of both points of view that the most efficient choice is to put end to my life. After all, I have not asked anybody to live nor gave anybody permission to bring me there. So, it is only natural to have the will to disappear from a world in which not only I have not requested to live in, but also has been too hostile and cruel with me, and that in fact can be unbelievably hostile and cruel with so many people at absolutely insane levels.
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