Help My mother is the only thing I am still alive but I can't anymore.

[Qverty7455]

I am only living because I don't want to hurt my mom. She knows about my depression and she knows I want to die and told me she can't stop me and it's my decision but I am sure she would give anything to see me happy and have family etc, but I just can't live only because of her and hurt inside so much. If she found out I am dead she would be destroyed. What can I do I can't live much longer and I want to CTB asap but I don't want to hurt her. Am I selfish that I want to do that if my mom cares about me?
I live with her so it makes things much harder when she sees me broken every day and she helped me very much in the past I was in psych ward before and OD'ed at home before, but she knows psych ward and other people won't help me. It's just me and my head and I can't get these feelings out of it and it's only getting worse.
I want to leave few weeks before CTB in hotel but I don't know where to stay. This depression made me unable to find a job and I don't want to get new job if I know I will CTB soon, nor I want to find a flat for myself if it's only for few months., she would be happy and she will think I am better and then boom I am no longer there...
It's extremely hard decision and I would give anything to CTB without hurting her.
Sorry for writing that but I just needed to tell someone.

 

[Rachel74]

Would your death kill her?

 

[Qverty7455]

Would your death kill her?

No of course not, but she would be very sad because I am her son.

 

[Girobatol]

I still have few loved ones that still care for me and need me. I am still in here because of them. So I feel what you feel too. And I guess many of us feel that way.

 

[Astral316]

Nobody will be hurt when I ctb, so maybe my opinion is bias... if you have someone that cares about you, is that not enough to choose life? If not, why not? Explore the potential answer to that question and you'll figure if ctb is worth the pain you'll cause.

 

[Qverty7455]

Nobody will be hurt when I ctb, so maybe my opinion is bias... if you have someone that cares about you, is that not enough to choose life? If not, why not? Explore the potential answer to that question and you'll figure if ctb is worth the pain you'll cause.

Because I am unhappy in my own body and I hate my life...but I don't want to be selfish and hurt someone innocent because of my death.
But if she sees me unhappy I know she hurts aswell and if I CTB it will hurt a lot but time will heal it (I hope)

 

[Nyanpasuu]

Are you me? I'm exactly in the same position, I have everything to CTB, but I don't want to hurt her, I already tried once and she was devastated, I don't want to cause her that pain again. Wish I could just disappear and be forgotten by everyone.

 

[Eren]

Because I am unhappy in my own body and I hate my life...but I don't want to be selfish and hurt someone innocent because of my death.
But if she sees me unhappy I know she hurts aswell and if I CTB it will hurt a lot but time will heal it (I hope)

the same thing happens to me, I feel your situation, it's really frustrating.

 

[ThisIsTheLastNight]

I am only living because I don't want to hurt my mom.

I'm sorry if I have to tell you this but it's not good if you have such a close relationship with your mother. The most important step of every young man in his life is the financial and emotional independence of his mother to lead a life of his own and center on your own needs, not your mother's. There should only be room for a single woman in your heart, and that is not your mother but the future mother of your children. Sounds hard but you owe nothing to your mother, you are not responsible for her happiness or anything else, just for your own. And under your own dead you are the one who suffers the most, because you will never experience so many wonderful things that this world has to offer. Nobody else. I'm sorry this all sounds so harsh but i've often seen mothers have destroyed the lives of their sons by not raising them to independence and doing everything they can to prevent them from becoming real men by interferes in the lives of their sons and just could not let go. Traditional it is the duty of the father to protect his son from the psycho manipulations of the mother and to show him what it means to be a man. If there is no father around to put the son on the right path and sons are at the mercy of the mother, this unfortunately often ends in tragedies.

 

[Qverty7455]

I'm sorry if I have to tell you this but it's not good if you have such a close relationship with your mother. The most important step of every young man in his life is the financial and emotional independence of his mother to lead a life of his own and center on your own needs, not your mother's. There should only be room for a single woman in your heart, and that is not your mother but the future mother of your children. Sounds hard but you owe nothing to your mother, you are not responsible for her happiness or anything else, just for your own. And under your own dead you are the one who suffers the most, because you will never experience so many wonderful things that this world has to offer. Nobody else. I'm sorry this all sounds so harsh but i've often seen mothers have destroyed the lives of their sons by not raising them to independence and doing everything they can to prevent them from becoming real men by interferes in the lives of their sons and just could not let go. Traditional it is the duty of the father to protect his son from the psycho manipulations of the mother and to show him what it means to be a man. If there is no father around to put the son on the right path and sons are at the mercy of the mother, this unfortunately often ends in tragedies.

thanks for you idea...yea my mum had to take care of everything...I don't like my father he has been ignoring me and when I was 18 he took the money he was saving for me for himself and found rich woman and now he is going around the world and showing me pictures of how cool everything is and I am sitting there with my depression...so that's why I have close relationship with my mother...I wanted to be independent but the depression and illness took everything I was dreaming of and I just can't now...last 2-3 years have been nightmare

 

[GlowingCactus]

I'm only a year older than you, I still live with my parents and I've asked myself similar questions. I know that if I kill myself my parents will suffer, at least in the short term, hopefully they will resume their normal life after a while. I asked myself if I could force myself to stay alive only for my parents. Sure I can. A few more days, a few more months but if my situation never improves, then surely I would end up killing myself sooner or later anyway.

So I guess the real question is, do I think it's possible for my situation to improve someday or am I pretty sure it won't get better ? Like I said, if I decide to stay alive, I will have to find some solutions to my problems at some point. It seems to me that finding solutions to complex problems requires patience, motivation, energy and intelligence.

I personally think that doing it solely to prevent my parents from suffering is not going to give me the same amount of patience, motivation and energy as if I were to do it for myself. I mean by that, trying to believe in the idea that yes, it's possible one day to improve my situation. If I don't believe that is possible, then it's very unlikely for things to improve and for me to stay alive isn't it ?

All I'm trying to say is that if you do decide to stay alive, I think the most effective way to do it is to do it primarily for yourself.

You also asked whether it was selfish to commit suicide when your mother cares about you and will be hurt by it. Would a truly selfish person even be concerned about what happens to other people after their death ? I think it shows you're nowhere near as selfish as you think. You're in a frustrating situation where it may feel like no matter what you do, someone is bound to suffer, you or your mother, and you wish you didn't have to make that choice.

Anyway these are the kind of questions I've been asking myself. Hopefully, that didn't leave you even more confused.