uselessness
Who tf cares about being controversial if I'll die
- Jul 21, 2023
- 15
I am not actually going to CTB anytime soon don't worry, love you guys :). Just listen to my thoughts.
Ever since I was a small child, I never feared death. I remember when I was young when I talked to myself in bed, saying that I was not afraid of death itself, but rather how painful my death was.
I remember the day I learned about anesthetics, and I had an urge, an urge that was shaken off, that I wanted to die painlessly, and anesthesia was something I thought wouldn't hurt. I still thought I was going to be something worth even a speck of value in the eyes of the universe. I know for sure that the way things are going, and the way people treated me, that this is impossible. I'm detached from the childhood speculation that I would be someone successful, the next billionaire, or a celebrity, or someone who people talk about. I'm not a person, let alone a person who is talked about.
ihatemyselfandotherssomuchbecauseIcan'tevendosomethingproperlyandcan'tliveuptomyownexpectationsIhateotherpeoplebecausethewaypeoplearoundmetreatmeisdisgustingandbecauseweasawholeshouldceasetoexistbecauseofourcrimesbecauseweareallxenophobicandpickontheweakwelietoourselvesthattheworldisn'tendingwedon'tcareaboutwarsinothercountriesanditisn'tthelackofreligionthatistheproblembecausetherearepriestsinthisworldwhoassaultchildrenandwecan'teventhinkofacaringgodwhichtellsalotaboutus.
I'll keep living out of determination and spite, and things will be that way for a while, if at least SOME things go to plan. I'm not perfectly fine, but I know I can't die until I have lived. I don;t know if I want to live, and that's part of why I joined. I don't know which side I am fighting for, in my internal struggle, and I may never know which is right: fighting for my life or for my death. I'm in indecision, but until I'm sure I want to, I'm going to stay like this.
bye.
Ever since I was a small child, I never feared death. I remember when I was young when I talked to myself in bed, saying that I was not afraid of death itself, but rather how painful my death was.
I remember the day I learned about anesthetics, and I had an urge, an urge that was shaken off, that I wanted to die painlessly, and anesthesia was something I thought wouldn't hurt. I still thought I was going to be something worth even a speck of value in the eyes of the universe. I know for sure that the way things are going, and the way people treated me, that this is impossible. I'm detached from the childhood speculation that I would be someone successful, the next billionaire, or a celebrity, or someone who people talk about. I'm not a person, let alone a person who is talked about.
ihatemyselfandotherssomuchbecauseIcan'tevendosomethingproperlyandcan'tliveuptomyownexpectationsIhateotherpeoplebecausethewaypeoplearoundmetreatmeisdisgustingandbecauseweasawholeshouldceasetoexistbecauseofourcrimesbecauseweareallxenophobicandpickontheweakwelietoourselvesthattheworldisn'tendingwedon'tcareaboutwarsinothercountriesanditisn'tthelackofreligionthatistheproblembecausetherearepriestsinthisworldwhoassaultchildrenandwecan'teventhinkofacaringgodwhichtellsalotaboutus.
I'll keep living out of determination and spite, and things will be that way for a while, if at least SOME things go to plan. I'm not perfectly fine, but I know I can't die until I have lived. I don;t know if I want to live, and that's part of why I joined. I don't know which side I am fighting for, in my internal struggle, and I may never know which is right: fighting for my life or for my death. I'm in indecision, but until I'm sure I want to, I'm going to stay like this.
bye.
