My mom just told me her grandmother hung herself and now I'm terrified

[crocune]

Turns out my mother's grandmother hung herself in the past (chronic allergies and pain) and she started bawling her eyes out just thinking about it

Before, I thought if I died my consciousness then ends immediately and whatever happens to the rest of my family/the world is of absolutely no consequence to me.

But after seeing her remember finding her grandmother's body just fuckin terrified me. Not that I don't wanna die anymore but the amount of trauma and grief I'd leave her with would be so immense that I feel I can't let her experience that again. Like jfc existing is pain for me and I no longer enjoy anything but what kind of son would I be if I let her go through that again?

now trying to not be a neet after being a neet for 10+ years is terrifying to me, enough to cause me to wanna ctb for months but now I'm stuck between facing my fears of failure/rejection and not wanting to emotionally destroy my mom

 

[Praestat_Mori]

I'm sorry you have to go through this.

It's the ever-unsolvable problem bc someone will have to suffer. Either ways are painful and difficult.

 

[idelttoilfsadness21]

May your mother grieve this painful loss well. She is in my thoughts and prayers. I have seen a lot of stories, and nothing beats the terror of finding a dead body of a relative you've known. Truly devastating and heartbreaking… Take all the time you need before you do anything, too. Right now, just be there for both her and yourself to prepare for whatever comes next. One step at a time.

 

[Jadeith]

Not that I don't wanna die anymore but the amount of trauma and grief I'd leave her with would be so immense that I feel I can't let her experience that again.

Same here. My parents are still alive and i just can't bring myself to inflict such trauma upon them. Especially since they are good people, not deserving such cruel fate.

 

[Salkak]

i feel the same. i have no reason to live but i dont want to traumatize my family