Thank you for putting in all this time and effort to write this. I honestly don't feel like I deserve this amount of attention and care from other people. I'm set on my decision but thank so much anyway, I really do appreciate it. I do love writing and I always wanted to pursue that. I am working on finishing my collection of poems, so at least I can feel good about leaving something behind. I appreciate you reaching out and trying to help me navigate this, you are incredibly kind, patient, and selfless. I will definitely check out those links, I'm sure I'll be able to relate to them quite well lol. I am also really sorry to hear about everything you've been through. With your mother your ex wife and yourself. You really should be proud of everything you've overcome. Thank you again for everything:)
Those are the kindest and nicest words anybody has ever said to me. I did write quite a lot for you, but it was quite easy since I have an in-depth knowledge I have gained recently on NPD and Complex-PTSD from being the child of a NPD mother and the emotional and psychological abuse that damages us as a result. I sadly have not overcome anything ultimately, since the dive down the rabbit hole of my past, discovering my own NPD, breaking down those walls, then researching NPD origins, seeing it was my mother who also had NPD, then seeing that I suffered child abuse after recalling times at school (elementary/primary) where I would stare at the ground with a hollow feeling, and then recalling other incidents that my mind had tried to hide and the nasty abuse I suffered, and then seeing how this lead onward to high school, where I suffered more, and then into the workforce, where in hindsight I can now see I developed my own NPD after finally losing my virginity back in 2005, which I thought at the time had instead simply finally got me over the past pain of life.... but it was a false sense of releif, since it was the start of my NPD developing and not me finally getting over the pain of my past (pain which I only recently in the last month or two discovered it was due to my mother abusing me when I was a child).... this would lead to 2011 where I unconsciously pushed away my wife, seemingly my NPD polluted mind dissociated or did some type of trick where it hid the real memory of this (which I only recently dug up through connecting the dots through other memories through the passage of time connecting back to it), and created a false memory of her leaving me/divorcing me for another man that would be presented to my conscious mind (even though this was not true at all in my looking back through all the past correspondence and connecting events and digging up memories and such).
This all has lead me, at the age of 38 now, and 39 in a couple of months, so near middle age now, where I basically see the true horror of my past, and all hat was lost and stolen from me due to the abuse I suffered in childhood, added to this the physical health toll and higher risk of death that children that suffered child abuse have in life, that clearly is a reason that my physical health is struggling as I age, I feel that I have gone down the rabbit hole of my past, not to overcome anything in the end as I had originally set out to do, but rather, what I have found and learned about my past and how it was all totally different in narrative to what my mind had originally tricked itself into believing, is that my whole life has so far been a total waste of opportunity, love stolen from me from what ultimately traces back to the abuse that my mother selfishly inflicted upon me when I was just a vulnerable baby/child, which is one of the greatest tragedies that I could ever envisage possible.
So the feeling and sense that I have actually arrived at the point of total despair in my life, given my age, all that is forever lost (my wife in 2011 who is now my ex-wife, "the one" and my soulmate, forever lost to another man she is now married to, a man who benefited ultimately from my mother abusing me as a child, which is sickening to think of, but it is what it really boils down to, and it is difficult to describe the exact terrible sinking feeling that it gives me in my whole body as I think of that).
Also, the childhood that was all suffering and pain due to this same abuse that my mother made me endure in childhood for her own pleasure and needs to be met, my mother using me like a rag to wipe her dirty hands on and then discard and throw away into the corner when she felt like it, never once attending to my needs as her child, and never giving me any advice or parenting, no advice for life, she just used me up like a pedophile uses a child's orifices for his own sick sexual need to ejaculate, without caring what damage that this ultimately does to the child whilst they are children as well as for how this will affect the child as they grow older into a teenager, and then an adult, corrupting and sabotaging it all, a whole life ruined from the start just to satisfy the selfish and shallow needs of an adult who abuses a child either sexually, emotionally or otherwise, it makes me feel sick, and especially as the woman I wanted to spend the rent of my life with as she wanted to do with me, she thinks I left her as I did not want her (which is not true) and as a result her new husband benefited from me being abused in childhood, which makes me feel sick about how this whole world works, and how people who are not even connected or known to each other can both benefit from the abuse of a child, one when the child is a child, and the other when that child has grown into an adult who is unknowingly carrying around that trauma from the past which will ultimately self-sabotage his marriage, thus handing his perfect woman and love, handing that to a man who now benefits from the complete downfall of the abused child inside me, even though that abuse happened so many years ago,, this man now unknown to my my abuser which is my mother, this man now benefits by getting to take my now ex-wife away from me, all because I was abused as a child.
So nothing is overcome for me. I see only pain and suffering and worsening health as I get older entering middle age now with only pain and suffering and loss and nothing good in my life that I ultimately ever had a chance of having, it was teased in front of me, I held it for a sscond, and then it was cruely stolen from me, ultimately due to the sick abuse my mother inflicted upon me, the son, her child that she gave birth to only to use for her own wants and needs like a toy that she cares little for how much she damages it, a toy that is me, a real person, that was completely disregarded from birth, my own wants and needs and hopes and dreams cruelly disregarded from the moment I was born, feeling empty inside, and ultimately only teased with the hope that I was able to hold onto the love I found in my ex-wife, before my broken abused mind from childhood and it's maladaptive and ultimately mortally fatal defense mechanism, which had back in 2011 had clearly as I can see now with hindsight, in 2011 my own faulty abused mind inflicted a mortal wound upon my whole existence on this earth, whilst at the same time handing the woman of my dreams who was in love with me at the time, it handed her over to another man who now enjoys her company and intimacy, at what will ultimately be the expense of my life, which I am now left with no other option than to end in my own suicide, since I can now see in retrospect that I, my soul and sense of self died inside back in 2011 when that new man of hers captured her heart after my child abuse damaged mind self-sabotaged by pushing her away inexplicably, and without letting me realise this in time by hiding the memories of it from my grasp, by creating a fake set of memories and narrative that she had left me when this was not true... I effectively see that my mind, decayed with the scars of suffering child abuse at the hands of my own mother, that my damaged scarred mind has inflicted the mortal wound upon my soul that would inevitably lead to me realising sooner or later, that I had already died inside back in 2011, and that now all there was left to do was for me to finish the job by ending my body from living as a soulless living corpse that is now is, I am faced with the only real option that I have now, facing total loss and emptiness of a life wasted maybe... more like a life stolen, a whole life that never was, I only got to see it through the window outside as the rain poured down on me, now soon will drown me, and I now see that my duty, as sad as it is, is to end my suffering, by bringing my heart to a stop, my lungs to stop breathing oxygen, and my brain to shut down and cease sending electrical signals, just shut down for ever, left to decay and decompose, and back unto the earth finally the composition of the what makes up my physical body from the periodic table of elements, back unto the earth shall this all return, finally closing the final chapter of my tragic life, a life which in hindsight never really was given a chance to really start, as it was polluted by childhood abuse from the very beginning which would grow like a cancer, to dangle carrots in front of me for my whole life, until the final realisation now that it is finally time to bring my body to it's death to match my soul that died back in 2011.
I just need to choose a method and plan the ending to my life, which ultimately proved to be pointless and devoid of any joy, with only the memory of loss, pain and tragedy.... Ultimately a life, my life, sabotaged from it's very beginning by the very woman who gave birth to it.
All I have are the memories of all I had and all that was stolen from me by my sabotaged mind, and the precious valuable parts handed to lucky random others, like I am a car being stripped bare for giving away it's spare parts for free, until there is nothing left of me, but pain, sadness,
deep sense of void and loss, and a tragic life that was never meant to be, thinking to myself, "and all that could have been..."
When there is nothing left, one wonders, was there anything ever really there, or was it all a mirage of the mind? ... Ultimately cast out into the ether...
It seems that I have changed so radically in the last few months, that the humility I gained, the ego I have lost, and ultimately my will to live also lost forever and irrecoverably... has finally come right at what is clearly the end of my life, with the clock ticking down, and no sunrise to come for me anymore regardless of how many days I let pass me by from here onwards... the world I exist in feels now in eternal darkness and quiet, trapped below a sheet of clear ice underwater in the cold arctic it feels like for me this world, as I look upwards to where others laugh and enjoy love and life, and a select few people doing so at my direct expense... as II am slowly freezing and drowning not able to touch the world that I can see but not truly ever exist in again... I only now have to find the way to turn out the light for good, to vanish into a forever nothingness, from whence I originally came.
Bluebus, thankyou for saying such lovely things about me, I have never had anybody say such kind things to me. I truly feel humbled.
If you would like to chat we can have a PM conversation if you would like?
If you have any advice on how you handled the feeling of finally deciding that your life needs to come to an end, I actually would like to hear any advice you have for how to manage this, as I feel I am at that stage now finally, and I knew that ruminating over what could have been in the past would eventually wear out and come to an end and I would face looking forwards into the abyss, the end pathway as I now turn forwards and can now see ahead of me, and it is the first time I am facing this, with any other path blocked off by the passage of time going backwards, as time only moves forwards, and with me looking forwards at only one path, no others, the only path being the steps I need to take to effectively grieve the loss of the life I could have had, and to start the process of planning the method and execution of the end to my act as a human, in my final chapter, on the final page to my empty, painful, tragic and ultimately what turned out to be a meaningless tainted life that I have experienced on this earth.
I just need to carefully plan the ending now, so that I can write "The End" and then close the back cover of the story of my life, and throw it into the ether, for me to fade away into nothingness, where I can no longer be abused nor remember being abused, never again experience painful loss and tragedy nor recall the memories in of my life of these painful events ripping my heart and soul apart, and let the hopes and dreams that I had for my life drift away into vapour and vanishing into thin air, so that I no longer can see others enjoy that which I lost and which was stolen cruelly away from me. I can only let my past go, if I let my entire consciousness go, my entire life go, my entire future go, for which is a good deal, since my potential future years would only consist of me entering middle age in this state of despair, and with only old age after that, no partner and no children, no hope left, only pain and dreams and love stolen from me, the future potential years ahead for me of getting older and ever deepening despair, sound like something that that I shall choose to exercise my right to opt-out of, by bringing my breathing, my heartbeat and my brain to a permanent stop, and then decomposition back into the earth from whence they originated.
My motivation, and drive for life, and my soul having been already dead long ago back in 2011, all that is left is for me to catch get my body to catch up, so I can finally rest in peace forever in the calm and soothing darkness, of nothingness, to find the peace, the absence of fear, worry and pain, the absence of my damaged mind, and the absence of all suffering, I hope to find the peace in death that I was not afforded in life. For nothingness and absence of existence is far better than the all-encompassing nightmare and torment that I have experienced since I was born in 1984...
There truly is nothing left to salvage from my life now, and in retrospect there never was, wuth the benefit of hindsight, it was all just a cruel mirage.
