my mom is dying

[Comfydant]

a lot has changed since i last visited this forum but at the same time nothing has changed at all. i still want to kill myself but i'm still afraid of fucking it up and just ending up being in pain (and probably medical debt), i still don't have access to any methods other than od on otc pain meds which i know has a low success rate like taking 200 advil isn't gonna do shit but even so i keep them on my bedside table, i'm still broke, i'm still a useless fuckup hikikomori who doesn't have a job or a high school diploma or ged, can't drive, cook, laundry, or do even the bare minimum for myself even though i'm 21, my body still hates me and is in pain all the time. yesterday my mom started repeating the same word over and over again and barely acknowledged anything i was saying to her and doing weird shit like trying to unscrew the cap off a water bottle that already had the cap off and ignoring me when i told her like 6 times the cap was off, or wondering where her phone went after she just had it in her hand and set it down right in front of her and i kept pointing to it. she's been sick for over a month atp (i thought she just had the flu) and too weak to get up to go to the bathroom (+ her toilet is clogged) so she doesn't wear pants and shits on the living room chair/ottoman, and the house is covered in garbage and dog piss and dog shit and infested with flies and the porch is also covered in garbage and rotting moldy food because i'm also sick and disabled (chronic back + joint pain) and every time i try to clean up i wind up hurting myself, i can't remember the last time i ate real food or left my house for more than just a walk around the block, and we've both been wearing the same filthy clothes for god knows how long. all i do day in day out is eat junk food, feed my dogs and let them into the backyard a couple times a day (they still shit in the house tho), play genshin, scroll social media, chat with my boyfriend when he happens to be online, and sleep. i just feel completely helpless. i told my sister last night about my mom so my sister called 911 on my behalf cuz she was worried mom might have been having a stroke but they couldn't force her to go to the hospital because she could at least answer what her name is and when her birthday is and stuff like that and she kept stubbornly refusing to let them take her to the hospital and saying she was fine and they couldn't even do a thorough checkup because of all the garbage preventing them from bringing their equipment into the house and my mom either refusing or not being able to walk outside. my sister is planning on calling them again tonight and having me stay with my dad, i hate my dad he's a control freak and he verbally and financially abused my mom when they were married and verbally abused me when i was little and he still had partial custody (not to mention i'm trans and he's a conservative evangelical) but i don't have a choice. if i lose my mom there's a good chance my dad will put me in a group home just like he did my stepsister who has downs cuz he and my stepmom didn't want to take care of her anymore and they sure as hell won't take care of me. if that happens i'll probably lose access to the internet which means never talking to my boyfriend of 8 years who lives on the other side of the world ever again and he's all i have left, the only person other than my mom who genuinely loves and cares about me and the only reason i'm still alive. not to mention if my mom dies my dogs will probably be taken to the shelter cuz it's not like i can care for them by myself, my sister lives a 4 hours drive away, and my brother lives all the way on the opposite side of the country so neither of them can care for them either and my dogs are old so they'd probably be put down at the shelter. i've never wanted to die more than i do now, even the girl who abused and sa'd me when i was 11 didn't make me this suicidal, and every waking second i find myself wishing i was never born in the first place. i wish there was a way for me to just die painlessly in my sleep that also doesn't cost more money than i have, if there was i would take it in a heartbeat cuz i'm not even that afraid of death anymore i'm just afraid of pain. but i have no will to live, i contribute nothing, and the world would genuinely be better without me in it, i've been nothing but a burden on my mom for as long as i've been alive