Help My mom (I’ll shoot anyone who says mother’s love is unconditional)

[aneurysm]

I live in the kind of culture where parents care for your indefinitely and feel it's their duty (like, they can't kick you out, ever, even after 18).

I used to think it was a good thing, however, ever since I have been looking for a job, ever since I have been trying to claim my independence, mom has been treating me differently.

She'd probably prefer me to look for a husband. Now, she complains about giving me money, like if I ask her $2 she'll complain. It's insane. She happily gives insane amount of money to my other siblings, but me. I.

Simply because she realizes that I'm trying to break free from her and dad... and they say parent's love is unconditional. Middle finger to anyone who thinks that.

Anyway, I plan to reimburse her all the money she and dad spent on me from day 1. From the day I was born. I don't want to owe anything to these losers.

 

[summers]

@Daisy you are absolutely correct. Parents love children they can control. Children who are independent, who don't / won't rely on them, don't fit the mold they want.

My theory (and this doesn't necessarily apply to your situation) is that parents want to support and control their children so that when the parents get old, the children feel obligated to take care of them. Sorry, that's what the old age homes are for :)

@Daisy I hope you are able to get a job and get out of that situation. One word of advice - don't become reliant on a romantic partner. That could be much worse than relying on your parents. Be fully independent and no one can control you.

Edit - Don't feel obligated to reimburse them anything. Parents are legally responsible to feed, clothe, and provide housing for their children. That is the choice they make when they have kids. If anything, repay anything you borrowed as an adult.

 

[GenesAndEnvironment]

In my opinion our parents owe us trillions upon trillions of dollars for bringing us into this hell for the sake of their own genetic interests. I wonder if that sentence is too long to be grammatically correct... Here if u need an e-husband, btw.

 

[Amumu]

It's a shame that you were disappointed...
I also think family should be a paramount pillar of society.

Try to be kind with yourself, anyway.
Life is really hard and we often have to rely on each other to cope.

 

[◄✵火✵〇°Ø•WÅR•Ī°〇✵火✵►]

Here if u need an e-husband, btw.

@Daisy & @GenesAndEnvironment.

I ship it.

Spoiler: .

 

[aneurysm]

My theory (and this doesn't necessarily apply to your situation) is that parents want to support and control their children so that when the parents get old, the children feel obligated to take care of them. Sorry, that's what the old age homes are for :)

This is definitely the case for my parents. Also, it's easier to find the will to live when you live for others (like parents live for their kids), however, when the kid refuses to be taken care of, the parent is brought back face to face with his own self.

Parent's love is fully conditional. They'd rather have you emotionally broken and close to them, than emotionally healthy and away from them.

This truth is especially hard on me, as we have been brainwashed to think that Western parents were uncaring and that our parents were deeply caring and selfless. I realize that parents are fondamentally selfish, regardless of the culture.

Don't feel obligated to reimburse them anything. Parents are legally responsible to feed, clothe, and provide housing for their children. That is the choice they make when they have kids. If anything, repay anything you borrowed as an adult.

It's just that I feel like they won't let me go if I don't hold this as a promise to myself. For exemple, I feel like if this wasn't my goal, my parents would never allow me to break free.

Like, on a subconscious level, they'll cast a hold so strong on me that I wouldn't psychologically be able to do anything. Does that make sense? So, I tell myself that I'll pay them back (with interest, in exchange for releasing me). Tell me if you don't get me

 

[summers]

It's just that I feel like they won't let me go if I don't hold this as a promise to myself. For exemple, I feel like if this wasn't my goal, my parents would never allow me to break free.

Like, on a subconscious level, they'll cast a hold so strong on me that I wouldn't psychologically be able to do anything. Does that make sense? So, I tell myself that I'll pay them back (with interest, in exchange for releasing me). Tell me if you don't get me

Totally understandable, and if this is what you need, then it's the right thing to do. I borrowed money from a family member for one semester of college. I paid her back 100%, even though she said I didn't have to. I knew I couldn't live with that debt.

 

[aneurysm]

Here if u need an e-husband, btw.

@Daisy & @GenesAndEnvironment.

I ship it.

Spoiler: .

 

[262653]

My theory (and this doesn't necessarily apply to your situation) is that parents want to support and control their children so that when the parents get old, the children feel obligated to take care of them. Sorry, that's what the old age homes are for :)

Mine seem to also want support and control, but they won't get a penny from someone who doesn't earn any.

On the other hand, if I'm capable enough to take care of them while they can't take care of themselves (and consequently, can't take care of me), then I'm capable enough to throw them from the care link and focus on myself.

At any rate, they aren't getting anything other than to maintain their emotional dependency on me.

 

[Mentalmick]

I don't understand these anime gifs. Why's there blood spewing out that fellas nose? Brain hemorrhage?

 

[lobster salad]

"Mother's love is unconditional"
NOW JUST SHOOT ME DEAD, I SAID IT!!

 

[Sprite_Geist]

I dislike the idea of unconditional love because that means you have to care for everyone all of the time no matter what - even if they have hurt you badly.

 

[newave3]

I am 61 years old. My father died 21 years ago and my mother died 9 years ago. I took care of my mother after my father died. I have lived alone ever since.
I have a brother but he moved out in the early 90's to have his own family.
I fully understand what you guys are saying about a certain degree of selfishness on your parents part to take care of them when they get old, however I could not bear to see my parents in a nursing home.
I still love and miss my parents like crazy. My parents are part of most of my dreams as I sleep.
Perhaps you guys will feel differently about your parents after they pass away. I do not know.

 

[aneurysm]

"Mother's love is unconditional"
NOW JUST SHOOT ME DEAD, I SAID IT!!

I still love and miss my parents like crazy.

I love my parents too, and that's the curse.

 

[ThrownAwayTom]

I definitely feel the same OP. My parents have showered my older sibling with so much, from paying for their wedding to multiple deposits for a flat and now house.

Now that I'm trying to get out of here I am required to do it without even being able to just borrow and pay back anything at all. They want me gone but see it as an insult that I want to leave - I spent Christmas alone and we haven't spoken since before then. I'm saving to get my independence piece by piece, but that's even harder then they're abusive and you've got nothing else so you just want to drink or do whatever else you can waste your money on to numb yourself.

Unfortunately I see my dad as a great person but he's too passive to essentially stop my mum tearing the family apart over wanting me gone. I'd love to be like you and say I'd reimburse them, but I'm not that strong. They chose to bring me in to this world and incur the cost of raising a child. I choose to not bring a child in to the world, and the cost with everything going to shit is one of the many reasons.

Love is conditional, and showing it is even more of a choice imho

 

[aneurysm]

NOW JUST SHOOT ME DEAD, I SAID IT!!

Seems like I forgot what this forum was about when I wrote this lol

 

[blackwidow92]

"Mother's love is unconditional"
NOW JUST SHOOT ME DEAD, I SAID IT!!

Damn you beat me to it lol

 

[Meditation guide]

I realize now part of the reason I want to ctb is due to the abuse by my parents.

 

[WornOutLife]

I can kinda relate because my mother is to some extent like that.
When I became a NEET, she was really mean to me.

To make matters worse, she suffers from schizophrenia and is literally a devil sometimes. It gets me really sad the fact that she's the one who brought to this world and in spite of that, I just don't like her. I wish I could love her like normal people love their mothers but I just can't. Neither my mom nor me are "normal human beings"

Fortunately, my dad rocks! He's both a good mom and dad at the same time.

Anyway, hope you can give your parents all their money back so that you don't feel like you have debts. It's very responsible of you to want to do that!

Hugs

 

[aneurysm]

Damn you beat me to it lol

 

[killedbypsychiatry]

Ahhh I'm so sorry you're going through that... my advise would be to not let her get you down. Don't feel guilty for her behavior. I used to struggle with this because my mom would become very mean so I stopped doing what I wanted to because of her. Just don't let her do that. It's awful when parents do this to their children. Some parents think we are extensions of them and not different individuals. I hate controlling parents. I really hope you're able to get out of that situation soon.

my mom is the same. her control issues are the reason I'm here. When I started to become independent in many ways (I stopped following her religion, I went vegan, I adopted different values) at age 13, she declared me "mentally ill" and took me with a thousand therapist and psychiatrist who drugged me and damaged my brain. :/ hate obsessive controlling mothers.

 

[Good4Nothing]

"Mother's love is unconditional"
NOW JUST SHOOT ME DEAD, I SAID IT!!

I only came into this thread to see if someone had made this joke already.

 

[Makko]

Never reimburse anything. Take as much as from your parents as you can, get your own income, leave, and never look back. Parents are there to be taken from. You can't be indebted to them.

 

[aneurysm]

Never reimburse anything. Take as much as from your parents as you can, get your own income, leave, and never look back. Parents are there to be taken from. You can't be indebted to them.

wise words

 

[signifying nothing]

Parents.

 

[NeverGoodEnuff]

No need to shoot me because I can state unequivocally that my love as a mother to my two abusive, using daughters, is done. Gone. And that has been the biggest help in my recovery, to stop loving them. I ran out of tears.

 

[thewindblowseast]

I'm 26, I lost my dear Mum very recently. It's why I'm here, I can't live without her. I didn't help her enough, she asked for my help but I was too stupid and selfish to realise how ill she was. I apologised and said I will help her but it's too late now. I just want a way out of the extreme guilt I have. I would do anything to make up for the bad things I did as I loved her dearly, I told her how much I loved her and my Mum said she loved me too but I thought she had so much more time left on this earth. I thought she would recover, in fact I knew she would, I never thought this would happen.

I don't know you or your mother, but cherish her, give her a hug and tell her you love her. I prayed like I've never prayed before by her bedside and pleaded God to save my dear Mums life. She previously spoke of Christmas (2020) and asked me to record some programmes to watch when she came home, it never happened, we both thought it would of course. I've known people all my life, mainly old people (80+) who looked like they were at deaths door and slowly make a recovery but my Mum was young, I was convinced she was going to recover.

Everyone I love is now gone, the only ones who can relate to me are 70 year olds. I'm 26 and ready to 'CTB' but I'm having trouble finding SN as I'm in the UK and this country is awful and unemphatic, it's no surprise of course when our prime minister is a 56-year-old man with his parents still alive. No chance of euthanasia being legalised when the people leading your country have never had to suffer.

 

[newave3]

I'm 26, I lost my dear Mum very recently. It's why I'm here, I can't live without her. I didn't help her enough, she asked for my help but I was too stupid and selfish to realise how ill she was. I apologised and said I will help her but it's too late now. I just want a way out of the extreme guilt I have. I would do anything to make up for the bad things I did as I loved her dearly, I told her how much I loved her and my Mum said she loved me too but I thought she had so much more time left on this earth. I thought she would recover, in fact I knew she would, I never thought this would happen.

I don't know you or your mother, but cherish her, give her a hug and tell her you love her. I prayed like I've never prayed before by her bedside and pleaded God to save my dear Mums life. She previously spoke of Christmas (2020) and asked me to record some programmes to watch when she came home, it never happened, we both thought it would of course. I've known people all my life, mainly old people (80+) who looked like they were at deaths door and slowly make a recovery but my Mum was young, I was convinced she was going to recover.

Everyone I love is now gone, the only ones who can relate to me are 70 year olds. I'm 26 and ready to 'CTB' but I'm having trouble finding SN as I'm in the UK and this country is awful and unemphatic, it's no surprise of course when our prime minister is a 56-year-old man with his parents still alive. No chance of euthanasia being legalised when the people leading your country have never had to suffer.

I am sorry for the lose of your mother. Most grievers have some level of guilt associated with their loss. Guilt is a feeling. No one can tell you to stop feeling guilty. It doesn't work like that.
Guilt is a common and normal feeling In grief. It looks like you have already reflected on the reasons for your extreme guilt but have not figured out how to cope with it. There's are many ways to cope with grief but I think the most important way is to forgive yourself. I know it is easier said than done.

 

[IWantToSleep]

If you live with your parents avoid arguments as much as you can, do what they want you to do within reason to appease them, try to stop yourself getting irritated in front of them, try not to speak to them too much but not so little that it looks like you're avoiding them, stuff like this avoids headaches.