BecomingTired
Lov3rBoy<3
- Feb 23, 2024
- 99
I never feel alive, not in a hyperbolic sense but in a literal way.
Everyday I feel as though I lose absolute sense of reality and only briefly exist for a moment, I'm not sure if I was born like this or it was caused but my environment but I very very much struggle to feel any and all emotion; in a sense that I feel a bit out of control, like my body is clearly experiencing some feeling that I don't personally feel at all, only feeling extremely tired from my insomnia.
It's weird, even when the most horrible and despicable things are done and said to me, I cry crocodile tears I don't feel and act frustrated when I genuinely feel calm. I seem suicidal, to the point I failed to ctb by suffocation at 14 and failed again at 19 without even being able to attempt yet at the same time I feel like nothing much changed, yk? It's like I'm watching myself, going about day to day life, not even my memories seem like my own; no real goals, dreams, ambitions, standards etc.
There's still a few instances where I genuinely do feel "in the moment" like the 4 days prior to today, and it's as though the years and years worth of pain came crashing down on me all at once, I completely burned out and could even get out of bed; irrationally scratching at my arms until I bled, my head hurting extremely bad, it felt so awfully suffocating to even breathe properly, I just constantly was hyperventilating. I tried to pretend to be okay online but anytime I even tried to type I would either blank out or someone would point out I am being very off.
I just constantly felt as though my mind was trying to shatter into several bits like glass, my memories was just replaying over and over again even at uni; from the long years of loneliness due to autism, the severe emotional/physical abuse from my mom, the years of homelessness, the bullying when I was still going through early puberty, the constant anxiety to the point I spent hours vomiting, the lies I was fed from christianity, the gay thoughts I suppressed due to quite literally everyone around me being either very religious or homophobic, my insomnia getting so bad I spent most of my day sleeping even in lesson time, things were so bad we barely had food on the table because of my mother spending most of the benefits we received from the government on jewellery and fancy clothes, I was never sure why she so desperately wanted to seem well off to others when we didn't even own a home; even weirdly specific old memories like when my biological father threw me into a glass table the night of his arrest, I was just 5 lol… I drank some free cold original coco cola a nurse gave me to cheer me up, though I very much remember even then I wasn't exactly feeling much at all, just a bit numb.
The only reason I got so addicted to gaming and the internet was because I just wanted to forget everything and focus on the online world, where I could be someone else and talk to people freely; even then I still was experiencing some pushback due to how bad my mental state was, extremely edgy and hateful or just very autistic and not understanding others well when I wasn't being silly until I eventually started to suppress all that too.
And I am even more so unhealthily attached to any amount of "real" friend I manage to get online to the point it's clear I'm overbearing, even while trying my best to not act too clingy, and I probably hurt them a lot without realising due to how bad my autism is and how much I simply struggle to understand others without pretending to be someone else and making a whole new personality; even when I apologise a lot I just annoy others with how apologetic I am, I'm such a bad friend it hurts.
So many different experiences was crossing through my mind fresh as day, like a personal hell just for me; and I was just trapped in that for most of the week, extremely miserable that I just regret not being able to ctb on October 1st, and my last post very much explains how that experience went and why I wasn't able to. I even tried to kill myself the night before but I couldn't bring myself to lunge the knife completely into my neck and just got a slight cut from it instead, would've been a stupid idea anyways given it wasn't preplanned like the october 1st one.
Then poof, as soon as I woke up in the morning everything is exactly how it usually is, as though nothing ever really happened lol. It happens most of the time but it just felt so odd because of how bad the whole thing was then I just generally stopped caring, even spent a couple hours studying with a clear mind as though I wasn't just extremely depressed to the point of seeming deranged a day ago.
I know I probably do need professional help in some way, to atleast know why I'm like this before I do ctb at any point in time but it probably won't help much at all outside of identifying what I got, not exactly worth the money or time.
I want to talk some more about my very ill mind, and especially my philosophies to expand on it but its almost 5am rn and I'm supposed to wake up 1-2 hours later.
I'll continue this post tomorrow if I still want to.
Everyday I feel as though I lose absolute sense of reality and only briefly exist for a moment, I'm not sure if I was born like this or it was caused but my environment but I very very much struggle to feel any and all emotion; in a sense that I feel a bit out of control, like my body is clearly experiencing some feeling that I don't personally feel at all, only feeling extremely tired from my insomnia.
It's weird, even when the most horrible and despicable things are done and said to me, I cry crocodile tears I don't feel and act frustrated when I genuinely feel calm. I seem suicidal, to the point I failed to ctb by suffocation at 14 and failed again at 19 without even being able to attempt yet at the same time I feel like nothing much changed, yk? It's like I'm watching myself, going about day to day life, not even my memories seem like my own; no real goals, dreams, ambitions, standards etc.
There's still a few instances where I genuinely do feel "in the moment" like the 4 days prior to today, and it's as though the years and years worth of pain came crashing down on me all at once, I completely burned out and could even get out of bed; irrationally scratching at my arms until I bled, my head hurting extremely bad, it felt so awfully suffocating to even breathe properly, I just constantly was hyperventilating. I tried to pretend to be okay online but anytime I even tried to type I would either blank out or someone would point out I am being very off.
I just constantly felt as though my mind was trying to shatter into several bits like glass, my memories was just replaying over and over again even at uni; from the long years of loneliness due to autism, the severe emotional/physical abuse from my mom, the years of homelessness, the bullying when I was still going through early puberty, the constant anxiety to the point I spent hours vomiting, the lies I was fed from christianity, the gay thoughts I suppressed due to quite literally everyone around me being either very religious or homophobic, my insomnia getting so bad I spent most of my day sleeping even in lesson time, things were so bad we barely had food on the table because of my mother spending most of the benefits we received from the government on jewellery and fancy clothes, I was never sure why she so desperately wanted to seem well off to others when we didn't even own a home; even weirdly specific old memories like when my biological father threw me into a glass table the night of his arrest, I was just 5 lol… I drank some free cold original coco cola a nurse gave me to cheer me up, though I very much remember even then I wasn't exactly feeling much at all, just a bit numb.
The only reason I got so addicted to gaming and the internet was because I just wanted to forget everything and focus on the online world, where I could be someone else and talk to people freely; even then I still was experiencing some pushback due to how bad my mental state was, extremely edgy and hateful or just very autistic and not understanding others well when I wasn't being silly until I eventually started to suppress all that too.
And I am even more so unhealthily attached to any amount of "real" friend I manage to get online to the point it's clear I'm overbearing, even while trying my best to not act too clingy, and I probably hurt them a lot without realising due to how bad my autism is and how much I simply struggle to understand others without pretending to be someone else and making a whole new personality; even when I apologise a lot I just annoy others with how apologetic I am, I'm such a bad friend it hurts.
So many different experiences was crossing through my mind fresh as day, like a personal hell just for me; and I was just trapped in that for most of the week, extremely miserable that I just regret not being able to ctb on October 1st, and my last post very much explains how that experience went and why I wasn't able to. I even tried to kill myself the night before but I couldn't bring myself to lunge the knife completely into my neck and just got a slight cut from it instead, would've been a stupid idea anyways given it wasn't preplanned like the october 1st one.
Then poof, as soon as I woke up in the morning everything is exactly how it usually is, as though nothing ever really happened lol. It happens most of the time but it just felt so odd because of how bad the whole thing was then I just generally stopped caring, even spent a couple hours studying with a clear mind as though I wasn't just extremely depressed to the point of seeming deranged a day ago.
I know I probably do need professional help in some way, to atleast know why I'm like this before I do ctb at any point in time but it probably won't help much at all outside of identifying what I got, not exactly worth the money or time.
I want to talk some more about my very ill mind, and especially my philosophies to expand on it but its almost 5am rn and I'm supposed to wake up 1-2 hours later.
I'll continue this post tomorrow if I still want to.
