Venting My little breakdown yesterday.

[lucacaro]

It was just one of those days. I made a post here which I deleted because I saw no reason to keep it up. Also this is kind of just a random personal post. Might keep it up might not idk. Probably nothing interesting about it.

Anyways. I think I could have drank the SN I prepared - I think I was close. I sat there for at least an hour really psyching myself up for it. Once I took the first sip I'm sure the rest would come easier.
But someone I really like was talking to me during it. I had messaged them first not wanting to really say what was going on but I knew it would likely come out. But I wanted them to be the last person I ever talked to because they mean a lot to me. It was pretty stupid of me and it's what ultimately caused me not to drink the SN.

So I wasted like half of my SN and I'm still alive unfortunately. I'll try again (maybe soon? maybe not?) and hopefully resist the urge to talk to them before I go again. Or maybe I will talk to them, but leave my house. They don't live near me but they do know where I live and I was paranoid the whole time looking out the window waiting for some cops to show up.

Something weird though that really got me when I was trying to get over the fear of dying was even just looking at my hands made me want to cry. I've never felt that way before - I felt really really human in that moment. All I could think about was how if I drank the SN my hands would just... never feel again. I'd never know the sensation of petting my animals again or typing on my keyboard or holding my phone etc etc... again. It's weird. Facing your own death is weird. Almost kind of unreal.

Next time might take me a few hours to really decide to drink it but I know if I just sit there and think about it I'll do it. That's how I used to be with cutting or the time I tried to OD on pills. (didn't take enough.) Good luck to future me I guess.

 

[SuicidallyCurious]

get away from communications devices while you do it. will reduce SI

 

[lucacaro]

get away from communications devices while you do it. will reduce SI

Yeah I figure that already but... Like I said I really like this person and just felt like I had to talk to them one last time.

 

[yive]

Something weird though that really got me when I was trying to get over the fear of dying was even just looking at my hands made me want to cry. I've never felt that way before - I felt really really human in that moment. All I could think about was how if I drank the SN my hands would just... never feel again. I'd never know the sensation of petting my animals again or typing on my keyboard or holding my phone etc etc... again. It's weird. Facing your own death is weird. Almost kind of unreal.

i feel the same, @lucacaro... but i think i can do it. my life is full of suffering, but it's still a very sad moment.
i always cry when i imagine this.
i hope i'll find the motivation. unfortunately, ctb is the only way out for me

 

[ihavetoleave]

Yup facing death is as awful as the worst moments of facing life. Quite the conundrum. Not sure how so many are able to get past this, I keep procrastinating and I'm stuck in limbo. I know life could be so much worse but then again, what kind of world is this that life could be so bad for so many and not make any kind of balanced sense. I hope I can get there too and let go, I hope I can get out of this limbo and know what it is like and not be afraid anymore.

 

[lucacaro]

my life is full of suffering, but it's still a very sad moment.
i always cry when i imagine this.

Yeah, this is why I made a thread asking "do you really want to die" because I wanted to hear more about this sort of thing. No matter how you feel about life - death is just... sad and unfortunate. It's hard to commit to taking your own life and to try and understand your own feelings on the matter.

Yup facing death is as awful as the worst moments of facing life. Quite the conundrum. Not sure how so many are able to get past this, I keep procrastinating and I'm stuck in limbo. I know life could be so much worse but then again, what kind of world is this that life could be so bad for so many and not make any kind of balanced sense. I hope I can get there too and let go, I hope I can get out of this limbo and know what it is like and not be afraid anymore.

I think it's either some people are so far done with life they have enough confidence and determination to end it. Like they are really at their end and just can't take anymore for whatever reason.
And for others it's just a... do it. Get it done. Don't think too hard just stop thinking and act. Jump off the roof/bridge, walk off the stool and hang, gulp the SN... whatever it is.

I lean more towards the second because I just can't feel enough despair to be numb enough to end it.
(This is of course just my thoughts, opinions, and feelings - not really a fact.)