i hope this is the right thread and category, but this is the reason why i'm here.
i dont think i will ctb. i'm in a dark place, and i've been in it for a while now with little to no support. i know a lot of people disagree with therapy and psychologists or what not and they are especially bad where i'm from because of the religious majority, but my family have very little money and a close family friend has offered to help me without payment and to me, that says a lot. i was assesed by them when i was 13 and they've enver realy brought up religion which i am thankful for.
theres a lot of reasons why i'm suicidal; the future, my anxiety, gender dysphoria, insecurities. you've all heard it before. i was going to do it last may, but, despite how cringey it is, a stupid kpop group sort of saved my life. there was this korean survival show called 'boys planet'. the general concept is that they bring about 90 something contestants and the people who make the top 9 in rankings in the last episodes joins in to become a kpop group. i was going to ctb earlier, but then i wanted to see who wins and i wanted to root for my number 1 pick ( who in the end, did not make it. sorry i failed you junhyeon T_T ). i planned to do it after the show ended, but i want to support the group formed from it as they have a 2.5 year contract. thinking of doing it then, but i don't know what the future holds.
i'm scared of the future. it has something to do with my religious trauma. i think this is why i'm the way i am in the first place. the religion is beautiful, but i was taught it in a way where i now live in fear every second of the day. i am afraid of everything. i am afraid of sinning, the devil, the apocalypse, and every supernatural thing. i don't believe in it anymore, i don't think, but all the anxieties are still there and i think about all these scenarios and i wish i could just forget everything i've learned. i'm tired of living in constant fear, especially in a country where this religion is so common. i cant talk about it to anyone because they'll think ive betrayed them and ive been possessed by the devil.
i have this other thing where i think i am destined for fame. i know it makes me sounds like a douche but i genuinely have passion for entertainment. i think i'm meant to be famous or something because it's been my dream for so long. i just want to entertain and make people happy but i'm scared of cancellation or whatever because of what ive said online as a child. its also a really difficult industry to be successful in. if i cant live this life why live at all?
i want everything to stop, but again, the thoughts of whats in the afterlife occupy my brain. i don't want to find out but i don't want to keep living like this. sometimes i feel like i know i don't want to die and i feel like maybe thoughts of self deletion are realy just intrusive thoughts. i am so stuck. i honestly want to get up and just start another life but i'm broke as hell. i don't know what to do. i want to forget everything and i want to live a normal life and not live in constant fear. i feel like i'm going to die soon anyway and i have no idea why. i'm scared that i've been seeing and hearing things and i dont know if its just my paranoia or if theres an evil spirit following me or something but i just want to escape everything. i don't want to leave my stupid kpop group and its ridiculous how this is the only thing keeping me alive. but then again whos going to stream their new album ( lol ). i want to go home. wish me luck.
i dont think i will ctb. i'm in a dark place, and i've been in it for a while now with little to no support. i know a lot of people disagree with therapy and psychologists or what not and they are especially bad where i'm from because of the religious majority, but my family have very little money and a close family friend has offered to help me without payment and to me, that says a lot. i was assesed by them when i was 13 and they've enver realy brought up religion which i am thankful for.
theres a lot of reasons why i'm suicidal; the future, my anxiety, gender dysphoria, insecurities. you've all heard it before. i was going to do it last may, but, despite how cringey it is, a stupid kpop group sort of saved my life. there was this korean survival show called 'boys planet'. the general concept is that they bring about 90 something contestants and the people who make the top 9 in rankings in the last episodes joins in to become a kpop group. i was going to ctb earlier, but then i wanted to see who wins and i wanted to root for my number 1 pick ( who in the end, did not make it. sorry i failed you junhyeon T_T ). i planned to do it after the show ended, but i want to support the group formed from it as they have a 2.5 year contract. thinking of doing it then, but i don't know what the future holds.
i'm scared of the future. it has something to do with my religious trauma. i think this is why i'm the way i am in the first place. the religion is beautiful, but i was taught it in a way where i now live in fear every second of the day. i am afraid of everything. i am afraid of sinning, the devil, the apocalypse, and every supernatural thing. i don't believe in it anymore, i don't think, but all the anxieties are still there and i think about all these scenarios and i wish i could just forget everything i've learned. i'm tired of living in constant fear, especially in a country where this religion is so common. i cant talk about it to anyone because they'll think ive betrayed them and ive been possessed by the devil.
i have this other thing where i think i am destined for fame. i know it makes me sounds like a douche but i genuinely have passion for entertainment. i think i'm meant to be famous or something because it's been my dream for so long. i just want to entertain and make people happy but i'm scared of cancellation or whatever because of what ive said online as a child. its also a really difficult industry to be successful in. if i cant live this life why live at all?
i want everything to stop, but again, the thoughts of whats in the afterlife occupy my brain. i don't want to find out but i don't want to keep living like this. sometimes i feel like i know i don't want to die and i feel like maybe thoughts of self deletion are realy just intrusive thoughts. i am so stuck. i honestly want to get up and just start another life but i'm broke as hell. i don't know what to do. i want to forget everything and i want to live a normal life and not live in constant fear. i feel like i'm going to die soon anyway and i have no idea why. i'm scared that i've been seeing and hearing things and i dont know if its just my paranoia or if theres an evil spirit following me or something but i just want to escape everything. i don't want to leave my stupid kpop group and its ridiculous how this is the only thing keeping me alive. but then again whos going to stream their new album ( lol ). i want to go home. wish me luck.
