Venting My Life

[abruptum]

Dont worry this wont be super long

I know im newer to this site and only recently made an account I had just been trying to wait for the right time to speak my mind

Anyways I just wanted to vent a little to people that will actually understand how shitty life is

To start I am only 18 now and haven't lived much of my life, but as far back as I can remember I had some sort of instinctual pull towards being stoic, choosing to not feel anything at all rather than deal with my adverse feelings with the trade off of being able to feel joy. To me that was never a fair trade. This caused a lot of speculation in my childhood leading people to believe I had aspergers- a form of autism that affects your communication and emotional state. Anyways this barricade that blocked out all the emotion has slowly been failing since highschool at first with me getting waves of depression and bursts of anxiety. Then towards the end of highschool with overwhelming multiple month long depressive episodes that stopped me from being able to function. And recently with the next semester of my first year of college I am realizing I haven't felt good in what feels like my entire life. If I could describe it, its like if the sun were to set and never rise again in the morning, and eventually people would become less hopeful of the return and start to doubt sunlight was ever even a thing. And for me im at the point where I doubt I will ever be happy or have ever actually experienced true happiness. Recently all that runs my head is a feeling of burdensome to my mom and the want to cbt but my narcissistic tendencies and idea to be perfect is stopping me from actually pulling the plug on life.

Anyways sorry that was long and idk if anyone will actually bother to read or understand and thank you to those of you who do understand and I also wish to apologize because I would never want anyone to be able to have to feel even remotely close to these terrible things

 

[Kat!]

This sounds very similar to my life, of course some tradeoffs since we're different.

And don't worry about long posts, people will still read and respond, I'm sorry you're feeling this way friend.

Happiness is a far away and quickly fleeting feeling.

 

[abruptum]

This sounds very similar to my life, of course some tradeoffs since we're different.

And don't worry about long posts, people will still read and respond, I'm sorry you're feeling this way friend.

Happiness is a far away and quickly fleeting feeling.

Thank you for responding it really means alot to me, its sad to know that so many people suffer but I really do appreciate your kindness and being the first person to interact

 

[Kat!]

Thank you for responding it really means alot to me, its sad to know that so many people suffer but I really do appreciate your kindness and being the first person to interact

Oh it's alright. I think everyone deserves to be listened to in life, I agree, it's tragic to consider how many people suffer alone.

I'm glad that you've come here, it's a very wholesome community if you know where to look, I'm sure you can find people to talk to and cherish.
<3