SHThrowAway213
That's the hell I live with
- Apr 19, 2018
- 658
I'm crap at writing, I just wanted to write out my life before I died. I'm not expecting anyone to read.
I was born on August the 15th, in Devon in the UK.
I was born to my parents, L and S From what I've heard, it was not a good marriage. My mum had undiagoned BPD at the time and my Dad was abusive. They separated and got back together, and had my sister L. Then my parents separated for good when I was 3, as my Dad was accused of molesting the 12 year old girl next door. When they were in the middle of divorce proceedings, my mum got hospitalised, and me and my sister was put into foster care. Foster care...the foster mum was good, made sure we were always clean, never bored ect. But the foster Dad...he abused me. I still remember his curly grey moustache and hair, and his rectangular glasses, him forcing the bathroom door open while I was weeing, and him doing what he had to do. It's by far, the worst memory I have to date. On one of these occasions my 2 year old sister walked in on him doing it.
By this time, my Mum was out of hospital. We visited her in her flat. On one of the visits, my sister told my mum, as best as a 2 year old could, what happened. We were watching George of the Jungle. Me and my Mum still can't watch that film. There was a Police Investigation, but it didn't produce any results.
When I was 5, I was being monitored by the doctors as I was slow in my development, and still wasn't talking. I did speak my first word at age 5. My doctor diagnosed me with dyspraxia, and I got put in the special needs class at school until I was 7/8. My mum met P, with his special-needs daughter, the moved in together.
Primary school - I was never bullied, but I was also never included, and was treated as a social pariah. Nothing significant happened until Secondary School.
Secondary school...I was bullied relentlessly from the moment I stepped foot through the doors. Called names, pushed, ripped up work ect...you name it, I've had it done to me. My first year of Secondary School, age 12, was my first suicide attempt. I was stupid back then, tried using an elasticated skipping rope...then came the hallucinations.
I still remember the first time I heard them...I was walking down the hallway, then I heard my name being screamed..."AMBER!!!" I looked around, no one there...then I heard my name being screamed again, more distorted...I kept walking. This was also the year I started self-harming via cutting and overdoses, little ones, less then 10 pills at a time.
Fast-forward to age 15, I was yet again sexually abused. The same way my foster dad did it...got caught by a teacher, the guy got excluded, but before he went, he spread around the whole school that I performed oral on him willingly. More bullying followed.
Then I met D. An abusive relationship...he beat me, used me without my permission...we were only 16.He was autistic so his mum enabled his behaviour...he's now in prison for unrelated reasons. I tried to kill myself via OD. Didn't work, just my luck...got admitted into hospital, where I got the diagonsis of PTSD and Severe Depressional Episodes with Psychotic symptoms. My mum, got sectioned a month after I did, I got out after 6 months, she was in there for 4 years, in one of the only high-security units in the country. During the next 2 years, my sister would devolp an eating disorder and nearly get admitted to a hosptial herself, while my step-Dad had depression.
Age 18, got into College...here I met B, my current husband, but we didn't get together till after college.
During the 3 years I was in College, I would be abused again by both H and D, and got together with M. M had his own problems...aspergers , anxiety and depression. We were together for 2 years, but he was also mentally abusive., and managed to manulipate me into oral. We were together for 2 years before we broke up. I tried to kill myself by going to the cliffs, but was too scared of surviving the 200 foot drop.
Age 20, got a diagonis of BPD, while he thought C-PTSD was more fitting, it wasn't in the DSM yet.
Age 21, got together with B...age 22, moved out and got my first job. Started drinking on-and off behind B's back...age 23, tried to get help and was told I didn't have the right mind-set. Got abused again, and up to 8 attempts on my life throughout the years...and here we are another attempt, age 24, still drinking, still unstable and killing myself in 2 days. B has done his best to help, but I am done.
Thank you for reading.
I was born on August the 15th, in Devon in the UK.
I was born to my parents, L and S From what I've heard, it was not a good marriage. My mum had undiagoned BPD at the time and my Dad was abusive. They separated and got back together, and had my sister L. Then my parents separated for good when I was 3, as my Dad was accused of molesting the 12 year old girl next door. When they were in the middle of divorce proceedings, my mum got hospitalised, and me and my sister was put into foster care. Foster care...the foster mum was good, made sure we were always clean, never bored ect. But the foster Dad...he abused me. I still remember his curly grey moustache and hair, and his rectangular glasses, him forcing the bathroom door open while I was weeing, and him doing what he had to do. It's by far, the worst memory I have to date. On one of these occasions my 2 year old sister walked in on him doing it.
By this time, my Mum was out of hospital. We visited her in her flat. On one of the visits, my sister told my mum, as best as a 2 year old could, what happened. We were watching George of the Jungle. Me and my Mum still can't watch that film. There was a Police Investigation, but it didn't produce any results.
When I was 5, I was being monitored by the doctors as I was slow in my development, and still wasn't talking. I did speak my first word at age 5. My doctor diagnosed me with dyspraxia, and I got put in the special needs class at school until I was 7/8. My mum met P, with his special-needs daughter, the moved in together.
Primary school - I was never bullied, but I was also never included, and was treated as a social pariah. Nothing significant happened until Secondary School.
Secondary school...I was bullied relentlessly from the moment I stepped foot through the doors. Called names, pushed, ripped up work ect...you name it, I've had it done to me. My first year of Secondary School, age 12, was my first suicide attempt. I was stupid back then, tried using an elasticated skipping rope...then came the hallucinations.
I still remember the first time I heard them...I was walking down the hallway, then I heard my name being screamed..."AMBER!!!" I looked around, no one there...then I heard my name being screamed again, more distorted...I kept walking. This was also the year I started self-harming via cutting and overdoses, little ones, less then 10 pills at a time.
Fast-forward to age 15, I was yet again sexually abused. The same way my foster dad did it...got caught by a teacher, the guy got excluded, but before he went, he spread around the whole school that I performed oral on him willingly. More bullying followed.
Then I met D. An abusive relationship...he beat me, used me without my permission...we were only 16.He was autistic so his mum enabled his behaviour...he's now in prison for unrelated reasons. I tried to kill myself via OD. Didn't work, just my luck...got admitted into hospital, where I got the diagonsis of PTSD and Severe Depressional Episodes with Psychotic symptoms. My mum, got sectioned a month after I did, I got out after 6 months, she was in there for 4 years, in one of the only high-security units in the country. During the next 2 years, my sister would devolp an eating disorder and nearly get admitted to a hosptial herself, while my step-Dad had depression.
Age 18, got into College...here I met B, my current husband, but we didn't get together till after college.
During the 3 years I was in College, I would be abused again by both H and D, and got together with M. M had his own problems...aspergers , anxiety and depression. We were together for 2 years, but he was also mentally abusive., and managed to manulipate me into oral. We were together for 2 years before we broke up. I tried to kill myself by going to the cliffs, but was too scared of surviving the 200 foot drop.
Age 20, got a diagonis of BPD, while he thought C-PTSD was more fitting, it wasn't in the DSM yet.
Age 21, got together with B...age 22, moved out and got my first job. Started drinking on-and off behind B's back...age 23, tried to get help and was told I didn't have the right mind-set. Got abused again, and up to 8 attempts on my life throughout the years...and here we are another attempt, age 24, still drinking, still unstable and killing myself in 2 days. B has done his best to help, but I am done.
Thank you for reading.
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