Story My Life

[tiredandafraid]

Hello everyone,

I'm new here. I'm a 44-year-old male. I'm an open book. I'm going to list the things that made me the way I am currently.

Elementary school through High School:

Moved to a suburban town from a city:

1. Sexually abused by a peer who was bigger than me. Said peer went and told all of the kids that it was me that did it to him. The rest of my school life was filled with anxiety and depression.
2. During last year of high school my best friend started hanging out with different people. The one time I hung out with him and his new group of friends they held me at knife point and took what little cash I had.

Surprisingly I was able to overcome these things and still make friends who knew these people that did this to me were horrible individuals. I just kept living and learning.

Adulthood:

1. This event is the last straw. Went to an ER several times within a few week span with panic attacks and issues with my private area. Had a rash on my groin as well. The third time at the ER I got the chief of the ER. He said he needed to order a catheter for a sterile urine sample from my bladder. I questioned it because I was able to get up and pee on my own. Needless to say my wife was with me and told me to trust the doctor as we're all taught to do. She also worked for this hospital in medical coding. Long story short the nurse fucked up and injured me. I walked out of that hospital bleeding from my private area. I have never been the same physically or mentally since. My wife was able to see that the piece of shit ER Doctor changed the records hours after I was discharged to say I was unable to urinate on my own. My heart was broken. This happened a little over eleven years ago. I'm very scared. As it turns out I'm heading to an appointment with the urologist right now. I've never been so scared in my entire life.

I think I will need to CTB because I need peace.

With love,

N

 

[Bear1234]

Im sorry you're going through this. Life is already not easy and when you add physical health issues, it fucks you. Im here because I got diagnosed with interstitial cystitis - a bladder condition thats feels like a constant uti. I understand your fears. Good luck on this appointment, remember not all doctors are terrible even though many are. You never know what can happen, continue to be hopeful and if all really goes to shit, then CTB is here for you.

 

[tiredandafraid]

Im sorry you're going through this. Life is already not easy and when you add physical health issues, it fucks you. Im here because I got diagnosed with interstitial cystitis - a bladder condition thats feels like a constant uti. I understand your fears. Good luck on this appointment, remember not all doctors are terrible even though many are. You never know what can happen, continue to be hopeful and if all really goes to shit, then CTB is here for you.

Thank you so much. I'm very sorry you have IC. That is brutal. My mother-in-law has that. I'm in the car with my wife and son driving me there. I'm just so scared of having to be tortured with barbaric procedures. I believe there's a higher power and I believe in karma. What makes this even more scarier is my father who is 77 just had a horrible experience with kidney stone surgery back in April and then in May he needed to have a TURP for his prostate. He's better now. I wish I had his strength but I'm just totally different.

 

[smaragdyne]

So sorry to hear you are one of the unlucky ones... most people are lucky enough to get out of ER's and hospitals better than they left, so they continue to believe the lies about our medical industry "having our best interests in mind" and all that brainwashed crap.

 

[Bear1234]

Thank you so much. I'm very sorry you have IC. That is brutal. My mother-in-law has that. I'm in the car with my wife and son driving me there. I'm just so scared of having to be tortured with barbaric procedures. I believe there's a higher power and I believe in karma. What makes this even more scarier is my father who is 77 just had a horrible experience with kidney stone surgery back in April and then in May he needed to have a TURP for his prostate. He's better now. I wish I had his strength but I'm just totally different.

It is brutal. Im also going to doctors lately. Urogynos and pain management. Hopefully ill get relief at some point but if after all the procedures (i have a few lined up), are not working. I don't have it in me to continue. I do believe there is a higher power as well and that the universe works in mysterious ways. Stay strong friend, I hope your appt goes well. Maybe you'll have the luck of your father. Please update us when your done with the appt

 

[FuneralCry]

It truly is so cruel how people suffer so much in this existence, I hope you find peace, I wish you all the best.

 

[tiredandafraid]

It is brutal. Im also going to doctors lately. Urogynos and pain management. Hopefully ill get relief at some point but if after all the procedures (i have a few lined up), are not working. I don't have it in me to continue. I do believe there is a higher power as well and that the universe works in mysterious ways. Stay strong friend, I hope your appt goes well. Maybe you'll have the luck of your father. Please update us when your done with the appt

I'm back from the urologist. I had to wait a while as the doctor was running behind. I literally heard the man in the next room over getting a cystoscopy by my doctor and the patient he was doing it on didn't make a sound so it seemed like that could be a good sign. My urologist specializes in genitourinary trauma which is why I chose him. When I finally saw him he listened to my concerns and tried to say it's my anxiety and a tight pelvic floor but I don't think that's the problem. He said if he were to do a scope it would hurt because I'm so tense. I agree with that statement but then I asked him to knock me out for it and he came up with some reasoning as to why that wouldn't be a good thing. I just think some doctors refuse to slow their schedule by doing an in-office procedure under anesthesia in an operating room because it makes them less money. It's sickening how the medical industry has become more about money and less about truly caring for people. Once you have anxiety and depression in your medical record doctors tend to be scared to treat you. I'm supposed to go to pelvic floor therapy which is not even done by a real doctor. It's done by a physical therapist who puts their finger up your rectum to loosen all your pelvic floor muscles. Then the urologist told me to follow up with him in December. Sadly this probably the fifth urologist I've seen about this and I've come to the realization that I may never get the help I truly need. As I write this I literally feel sick to my stomach that this happened to me in the first place. I've always been a good person, and treated people well. This is a nightmare that seems to have no end. I'm in a dark place right now. The worst part of all of this is my son is being exposed to this and I don't want him witnessing this. He's five years old and it breaks my heart he will never really see a happy version of his father that existed prior to this happening to me in 2013. I feel so abused. I feel like taking the ER doctor out who did this to me. I'm not violent enough to do that though. Back when this happened I filed a complaint to the state health board and they sided with me that he deviated from the standard of care but what good is it that. He gets a slap on the wrist and is still breathing air. He's retired by now anyway probably laughing it up. He ruined my life and made me hate myself. I really want to CTB. Truth be told since I work from home and I'm afraid to leave the apartment I have saved up a lot money. I may just take that money and put it towards a VAD application, but I'm sure they'll find a way to take my money and deny me. I'm also considering SN but possible pain scares me after being tortured in my most sensitive area. I'm so brokenhearted. I loved my life but I was murdered on 5/4/2013. I'm trying to stay strong for my wife and five year old son but at the age of 44 I'm not sure I have the mental toughness to power through the discomfort I'm feeling physically. I'm pretty hopeless at this point.

 

[Bear1234]

I'm back from the urologist. I had to wait a while as the doctor was running behind. I literally heard the man in the next room over getting a cystoscopy by my doctor and the patient he was doing it on didn't make a sound so it seemed like that could be a good sign. My urologist specializes in genitourinary trauma which is why I chose him. When I finally saw him he listened to my concerns and tried to say it's my anxiety and a tight pelvic floor but I don't think that's the problem. He said if he were to do a scope it would hurt because I'm so tense. I agree with that statement but then I asked him to knock me out for it and he came up with some reasoning as to why that wouldn't be a good thing. I just think some doctors refuse to slow their schedule by doing an in-office procedure under anesthesia in an operating room because it makes them less money. It's sickening how the medical industry has become more about money and less about truly caring for people. Once you have anxiety and depression in your medical record doctors tend to be scared to treat you. I'm supposed to go to pelvic floor therapy which is not even done by a real doctor. It's done by a physical therapist who puts their finger up your rectum to loosen all your pelvic floor muscles. Then the urologist told me to follow up with him in December. Sadly this probably the fifth urologist I've seen about this and I've come to the realization that I may never get the help I truly need. As I write this I literally feel sick to my stomach that this happened to me in the first place. I've always been a good person, and treated people well. This is a nightmare that seems to have no end. I'm in a dark place right now. The worst part of all of this is my son is being exposed to this and I don't want him witnessing this. He's five years old and it breaks my heart he will never really see a happy version of his father that existed prior to this happening to me in 2013. I feel so abused. I feel like taking the ER doctor out who did this to me. I'm not violent enough to do that though. Back when this happened I filed a complaint to the state health board and they sided with me that he deviated from the standard of care but what good is it that. He gets a slap on the wrist and is still breathing air. He's retired by now anyway probably laughing it up. He ruined my life and made me hate myself. I really want to CTB. Truth be told since I work from home and I'm afraid to leave the apartment I have saved up a lot money. I may just take that money and put it towards a VAD application, but I'm sure they'll find a way to take my money and deny me. I'm also considering SN but possible pain scares me after being tortured in my most sensitive area. I'm so brokenhearted. I loved my life but I was murdered on 5/4/2013. I'm trying to stay strong for my wife and five year old son but at the age of 44 I'm not sure I have the mental toughness to power through the discomfort I'm feeling physically. I'm pretty hopeless at this point.

I'm sorry the appointment went so bad. I know how heartbreaking that can be. Doctors are quick to throw everything on anxiety which is not entirely the case. Honestly ever the case really. I've had a cystoscopy before and they did put me under. It showed an inflamed bladder but they couldn't do much else on that front. Few thoughts on this, you need a better urologist of course (Im based in the US, I can share my doc info via personal message if you'd like, maybe you are in the same state). Im sorry you've seen 5 already but I know of a good one in Florida and one in New jersey if you are in either. Two, I've been to pelvic floor therapy for like 8 months before. They are really kind and they usually know what they are doing. Obviously, there can always be not as intelligent ones but from my experience, I've worked with 4-5 different ones and they are always kind. It has immensely helped me before. They went in rectally when I had rectal issues and it helped. Its 1000% worth a shot. might not be your whole issue but I think it will help a little at least and if not, at least you tried it. I hear you. I know its incredibly hard. I am also a good person dealt a bad hand. You aren't at fault here, in my opinion it was just written this way for some reason and I have to accept it. By that I mean, if i don't get better then CTB is what is meant for me. Its hurtful that your son has to witness you like this, I truly hope you gets to have some good memories with you instead of just these sad ones. F the ER doctor. I personally think VAD might consider you because you are close to age 50 however it will be a lot of money. Truthfully a gun is better. My method is also SN and like you sometimes i get scared about the pain but at least the 'pain/discomfort' will only be 20 mins long vs the agonizing life you live day by day. I think you owe to yourself to try treatments before you give up and CTB. Also a pain management doctor might help too - they can do botox shots, trigger point shots, pudendal never shots, and even give you nerve pain medications to help or some other meds depending on your illness.

 

[tiredandafraid]

I'm sorry the appointment went so bad. I know how heartbreaking that can be. Doctors are quick to throw everything on anxiety which is not entirely the case. Honestly ever the case really. I've had a cystoscopy before and they did put me under. It showed an inflamed bladder but they couldn't do much else on that front. Few thoughts on this, you need a better urologist of course (Im based in the US, I can share my doc info via personal message if you'd like, maybe you are in the same state). Im sorry you've seen 5 already but I know of a good one in Florida and one in New jersey if you are in either. Two, I've been to pelvic floor therapy for like 8 months before. They are really kind and they usually know what they are doing. Obviously, there can always be not as intelligent ones but from my experience, I've worked with 4-5 different ones and they are always kind. It has immensely helped me before. They went in rectally when I had rectal issues and it helped. It's 1000% worth a shot. might not be your whole issue but I think it will help a little at least and if not, at least you tried it. I hear you. I know its incredibly hard. I am also a good person dealt a bad hand. You aren't at fault here, in my opinion it was just written this way for some reason and I have to accept it. By that I mean, if i don't get better then CTB is what is meant for me. Its hurtful that your son has to witness you like this, I truly hope you gets to have some good memories with you instead of just these sad ones. F the ER doctor. I personally think VAD might consider you because you are close to age 50 however it will be a lot of money. Truthfully a gun is better. My method is also SN and like you sometimes i get scared about the pain but at least the 'pain/discomfort' will only be 20 mins long vs the agonizing life you live day by day. I think you owe to yourself to try treatments before you give up and CTB. Also a pain management doctor might help too - they can do botox shots, trigger point shots, pudendal never shots, and even give you nerve pain medications to help or some other meds depending on your illness.

My doctor mentioned those Botox shots today too. You're definitely very kind and I appreciate that. You can feel free to send me a personal message. I'm in the US too.